11/13/19

We will start with the day before my birthday. Noah was feeling down and sick and he wanted to go to the Irish pub near our house so we could have fish. I was fine with that, I'm not used to him wanting to know what I want for dinner. So on the way there he introduced the idea that the dinner was somehow for my birthday. I wasn't completely opposed to the idea, it just felt like it was not any part of my own conception so how could it be for me? I came to the conclusion that he likes it, so wanting it for my birthday was sweet. Then at dinner all he could talk about was work, how stressed he was to do his job in the winter. I tried to be supportive but all I could do was stay quiet. I didn't want to talk about it. I tried directing the conversations somewhere else, but it was all he could think about. I understand being scared, but we are dependent on his income due to my being in school and unable to work full time. Him switching to a different position almost guaranteed he earn less, and bills are tight as it is. It's hard for me to be supportive of him earning less when us being stressed about money makes us snap at each other. I don't want to snap at each other. My birthday was fine, he was sweet to me at every step of the day. Today, he was so depressed I was surprised he went to work. He came home and slept for 4 hours. Went to bed after being awake for 3. I'm so concerned about him and even more concerned when I won't be around while he's awake. I don't want him to feel alone. If he works second shift I'm worried about what might happen, but if he works at a different job and we can barely pay the bills, I won't have the money to help him on his bad days. Like today alone we spent nearly $100 because he felt bad. I spend money like it's water when it comes to him because of how he's sad. I just want him to be happy. And I feel like I'm constantly being pressed to choose between making him happy and spoiling him or being concious of the money that we have. I always choose to spoil him. I miss his smile today. He has such a handsome smile.