Wow, my H is on my side.  He said he could not understand what is wrong with his aunts.  He said he was sorry that his family had acted that way.  He just held me as I cried it out.   There are days when I feel like we are not doing so well, then days like yesterday happen and I love him.  I have decided that if they have the funeral by Wednesday, we will go as a family.  Otherwise my H will be going by himself as the kids will be back to school.  Our daughter has a school-wide spelling bee that she needs to participate in.  She won the class spelling bee and Friday will be the school spelling bee.  She has been studying the words so hard and knows them well.  She is 10 yrs. old in the 5th grade.  If she wins the school spelling bee, she will go against the entire county.  She is so excited to do this.  I cannot make her miss this.  She has been practicing so hard. So, I have chosen to stay home with the kids if the funeral is later this week.  My H will have to go by himself.  I hate that I am doing that to him, but I just can't disappoint my child that way either.  Not when I know that our being at the funeral will not make a difference to that family.  It would, maybe, to the aunt but not the others. My H understands.  That is what he is telling me.  I hope it is so. I just feel so conflicted about this.  I feel that we need to go but at the same time... I don't want to.  What does that say about me as a person?  I feel so badly for the family but at the same time my own pain is almost blinding. I heard the aunt cry out when her husband passed away.  It was a horrible, gutteral sound!  That is how I feel most days except I can't let it out.  I can't let my kids see or hear it.  We do not argue in front of them.  They do not know about his affair.  How do you tell a 12 yr. old boy and 10 yr. old girl that their daddy acted this way?  I can't and don't want to.  I don't want to tarnish him in their eyes.  They love him so and he is a very good father to them.  I know that they absolutely would not understand a divorce.  I don't want a divorce either.  I am trying to get through this the best way possible, but it is so hard.  We are at least talking to each other and trying to understand what is going on.  He tells me that he understands the feelings I have.   Most days I can not concentrate on work or anything else for that matter.  Most days, I have a hard time putting 2 thoughts together.  I am trying not to wallow in the pain.  I get out of bed.  I go to work.  I cook dinner.  I take care of our kids.  I do, but the pain is always there.  I listen to the radio and any given song could put me close to tears.  I am having to reclaim every aspect of our marriage, including places we went to and things we saw.  She was with us, literally!  She was a part of many outings with us as a family.  She did a lot with us.  We included her and she betrayed us.  She took away our happy family with him.  He betrayed us! There were very few occasions over the last 3 years that did not involve her.  I felt pity for her being alone and included her in our family outings, our family fun nights...our family!  To be betrayed like this, is awful!!! I hope she thinks it was worth it.  I know he doesn't!  He regrets every moment of her being in our lives.  I do too.  I realize now that I do hate her for what she has done to our family.  I also hold some similar feelings to my H for doing this to us.  For shattering our lives!