Pain
Well, the last three days have been awful. All I want to do is cry. The slightest things set it off. My H is doing and saying the right things but deep down I don't think he understands the pain I am in. I know he cannot understand how my heart is ripped out each time I think about his affair. How it feels to know that I was not enough for him. To know that I meant so little to him. My heart breaks each time I look at him. I can see them together! I wonder each time he touches me if he is thinking of her. How would I know? OMG how it hurts! He said that it was just sex....that was the reason he had the affair. He was not getting enough from me at home and she offered...so he jumped! Well, now that I know and we are trying to work things out, he doesn't seem to want it now. I ask him about it and he says that he does want me and wants to make love to me but his body is saying different. I can't help but wonder if he is staying because he feels obligated even though he said different when I asked. That he has no passion for me anymore even though he tells me he does. He doesn't initiate sex anymore and his body does not respond to my touch. He just holds me but that is all. Nothing more. If it was just the sex, why does he not want me. I am beginning to feel that he misses her even though he said he doesn't. I want to know WHY he felt he could do this to me! But I know that I will never get the answer to that question. I want to know if I will ever get back to being happy again. How do I get through this? How are we to survive this? Why did this have to happen to us?
Replies
I\'m sorry you are hurting so bad right now. Your story is one that I could write myself I have felt the same way lately. Our spouses should be reaching out to us more to make us feel desireable in their eyes. I confronted my husband on this issue last night... I miss the passion we once had where did it go?? I have felt lately like he misses his other woman as well, although he says that he really doesn\'t think of her much anymore.
Give the sex part time, I\'m sure as you continue to grow closer your sex life will bounce back I\'m counting on the same thing myself.
I think that also it is hard for them because they really do hate what they put us through. I was so encouraged when I read your post \" New Beginnings.\" Don\'t forget that you will take one step forward 2 steps back many times. It\'s a long road. I think it\'s great that you are getting new rings & going to renew your vows again. My husband bought me a new wedding ring last year at this time to show his renewed commitment to me & when I look at my hand I am reminded of that.
Keep your head up. Your husband is so lucky to have a wife who loves him & that is as committed to him after what he has put you through!
I talked to him over the last 2 days trying to tell him how I was feeling but at first I don\'t think he understood fully. I think he finally got it last night when I broke down into a mass of tears and heartwrenching sobs. I think he finally saw the PAIN I was in and how my heart was broken.
He told me he was so sorry that he had been so selfish and hurt me so badly. He told me that he didn\'t realize how destructive the affair was until he told me about it. He didn\'t realize how much he really did love me until he asked me for a divorce so he could be with her. He said that was his wake-up call that he truly loved me and what he was doing was wrong. That his place was with me...not her. That I was the love of his life and he didn\'t want to lose me.
I have asked him to help put my broken heart back together. I have asked him to help me to remember why I love him. Why I am still here! He said he would and gladly.
I just hope he can. I have good days but then I fall into the funk that I was in for the last few days and it is hard to get out of. I also know that it doesn\'t help have 2 kids that are preteens, especially a 10yr old daughter who thinks she is 15 with a mouth to boot. She and I have had some confrontations lately that are doozies and I know it is hormones on her part and the affair on mine. Emotions in our house are at a high and it takes nothing for her or me to cry now. I used to be a strong person. I guess I still am considering but geez.... I just want some peace and happiness for a while. I am tired, emotionally drained and just plain wore out.
As for the sex thing...it was great for the first 3-4 weeks after after I allowed him to touch me again (after finding out the affair) but it has steadily dropped off lately. Well, he explained that to me last night. He was enjoying the cuddling and talks with me instead of the sex. He said that he had missed that with me and he never got it with her. That was one of the things they never did. I guess I should be glad to know that. She didn\'t share that with him. HA HA HA
I am feeling somewhat better today. I am not near as emotional this morning and I had a good night\'s sleep last night. I have not slept a solid 7 hrs without changing positions in a long time. Sleep deprivation does not tend to help matters either. I actually feel rested this morning. That\'s GREAT!!!!
I think there is hope for us. Time will tell. Thanks for listening and I hope things go better for you too.
Shawnda
Oh geez, can I write a long post or what?!?! LOL :-)
Shawnda...I was really sad to read your entry. I was really thinking that things were getting better for you after deciding to get new rings and renewing your vows. But then I read your response above and it seemed a bit more positive.
I know exactly how you feel. I guess we all have to try to remember that it\'s normal to go through this rollercoaster of emotions. It\'s the same way with me. One minute I am fine and loving him and then the next minute I am crying about what he\'s done or so angry that I can barely see straight. It feels like torture to go through this...to think of them together. It\'s honestly the most painful thing I\'ve ever gone through.
Have you been reading books on how to deal with a spouses affair? I\'ve found that the \"Not Just Friends\" book has been the most helpful so far. There are exercises for you and your spouse to do. There\'s also chapters that he\'ll need to read for himself and then answer questions at the end. I think this book, combined w/ the counseling, has really him open up.
I am glad that it seems your H is finally starting to grasp the amount of pain he caused you. It\'s so frustrating when they act like we\'re exaggerating what they\'ve done or really over dramatizing the pain we feel. I wish that they could feel what we feel so they could really understand the unbelievable damage they\'ve done.
You are in my thoughts. Please know that we\'re all here for you and hoping that every day is easier than the one before.
jackie
Thanks! I know that I need to stay on the positive side of things and I am trying to but it is so hard some days. I have not started to read the book yet. I haven\'t been to a bookstore either. I need to go but I am afraid also. Afraid that I will breakdown in the store. I don\'t want that. It was all I could do to buy an Anniversary card for him. Our anniversary is Thursday. OMG I don\'t know how I am going to make it through that day. I am and not looking forward to it. Sounds odd, huh? I guess I will just have to see what happens. It should be interesting and heartbreaking at the same time.
I do love him but some days it is hard. We will get through this. I know that. I just have to keep faith and love that it will happen.
Thanks for the support!!!
Shawnda, I\'m glad you are doing a little better today. I know what you mean about sleep deprivation. A good night sleep can make alot of difference in our outlook. I actually had a good night sleep last night after 3 days of not sleeping well at all. I didn\'t remember that he had asked you for a divorce! OMG that must have been horrible!
I will be praying for a steady heart for you on Thursday. I remember our anniversary last February & even though we had a nice time it was a difficult day for me. While he was at work I gathered my thought & wrote him a letter & put it inside the anniversary card explaining my true feelings about how the day was affecting me. It was an eye opener to him I\'m sure, because with me I tend to hold my emotions inside so I don\'t rock the boat & then they just come pouring out. I am trying to be better about not doing that! It is so important to keep talking & working through your emotions.
Jackie is right, the \"Not Just Friends\" book is really insightful & helpful in dealing with situations resulting from the affair. We use to lock ourselves in our theatre & read chapters together outloud. Often I would end up in tears but it did let him know that my questions were valid ones & he did need to answer them!
Take care we are here for you!!
It was a Monday night (October 19th). He asked for the divorce first stating that my lack of affection and sex was making him unhappy. He said that it was all my fault that he wanted out. That is how it began. I asked him why now, what had changed? He said that he wanted more than what I was giving him and he was unhappy. I asked him was there someone else and he said yes. I asked who? He did not want to answer so I started throwing out names. The first name was a co-worker of his that had told me about 4 years ago that she wanted to have sex with him. He said no. I asked him the next name thinking no way could it be her but he said yes! He said YES!!! My knees went weak. I asked what had he done with her. He told me that all they had done was talk about having a relationship. That she loved my kids and he loved her and that he wanted a divorce to be with her. I asked him what he wanted from me. He said a divorce. I asked him what about our kids. He said THEY would raise them. I left the room, I was so mad and hurt.
I couldn\'t sleep that night and the more I thought about it and replayed the conversation over in my head...I knew the answer to the main question I had. He had sex with her. I asked him on Tuesday night after the kids were asleep and we were alone, \"Just how far have the two of you gone?\" He said \"we had sex.\" I then asked how long had this been going on? He said for a while... since the problem we had with his mother in February of last year. I felt like I have been sucker-punched in the gut and my legs almost didn\'t hold me up. A year and a half that he had been screwing her.
I then calmly (and angrily) without raising my voice, informed him of my options, where the kids WILL be living, how often he would see them, how far he would have to drive to see them and that she could have him.....I was not going to beg him to stay and that I would be ok without him. He said that he wanted to try and work our problems out and divorce. That he had been thinking and she was not what he wanted. I was. I told him not to stay because of a feeling of obligation. I told him that he had to break all contact with her, tell her it was over, get tested, go to counseling and I might consider staying.
So far, he immediately told her it was over - she freaked on him. He and I both were tested and though we cannot afford counseling yet (ins. does not pay much towards mental health issues), we are talking constantly about our feelings and are much closer now than before.
I do tend to also keep my emotions bottled til they errupt but I am learning to just tell him how I am feeling no matter how it hurts or embarasses either of us. He is learning to open up more and to see how his affair really affected more than just him. He told me last night that he understands now what he was losing. He does not want that.
I want to get the book and maybe I will this week. It also helps knowing that his parents will be up here next week for Christmas and his dad knows exactly how I feel. My husband\'s mother also had an affair over 20 years ago and my FIL had no one to talk to about it. He told my H exactly how I felt and that I may never trust him again. Once the trust is destroyed - it can never be fully rebuilt! His words.
His mother also called me this past Saturday just to see how I was doing. I was shocked as we did not have a like for each other. She told me that she is so grateful that I have stayed and that I am the best woman he could have picked for a wife. Blew my socks off!!!! Imagine my surprise and shock. She was told Thanksgiving weekend what happened - the whole sordid details and with whom he did it with. She said that she hoped we stayed together as a couple and was not doing it for the kids. I told her that it is not reason enough for me to stay. My husband and his parents know that my parents have a business and would like to retire. I can immediately step into it and not need him at all. I am lucky with that. So they know that I do not have to be here but that I choose to be. I think that has helped me to stay as strong as I have through this. I do have angry days and heartwrenching days.
I thank everyone here for their support. I don\'t think that I would be doing this well without talking about it with people who understand what I am going through. Thanks!!!!!