Pain

Well, the last three days have been awful.  All I want to do is cry.  The slightest things set it off.  My H is doing and saying the right things but deep down I don't think he understands the pain I am in.  I know he cannot understand how my heart is ripped out each time I think about his affair.  How it feels to know that I was not enough for him.  To know that I meant so little to him.  My heart breaks each time I look at him.  I can see them together!  I wonder each time he touches me if he is thinking of her.  How would I know?  OMG how it hurts! He said that it was just sex....that was the reason he had the affair.  He was not getting enough from me at home and she offered...so he jumped!  Well, now that I know and we are trying to work things out, he doesn't seem to want it now.  I ask him about it and he says that he does want me and wants to make love to me but his body is saying different.  I can't help but wonder if he is staying because he feels obligated even though he said different when I asked.  That he has no passion for me anymore even though he tells me he does.  He doesn't initiate sex anymore and his body does not respond to my touch.  He just holds me but that is all.  Nothing more.  If it was just the sex, why does he not want me.  I am beginning to feel that he misses her even though he said he doesn't. I want to know WHY he felt he could do this to me!  But I know that I will never get the answer to that question.  I want to know if I will ever get back to being happy again.  How do I get through this?  How are we to survive this?  Why did this have to happen to us?