Another Day

My husband and I talked more last night.  This seems to be a recurring theme...talk at night after the kids go to bed every night.  Not a bad thing though!  We needed to get things out in the open.  I needed to hear his thoughts and feelings on our relationship.  I need to know what HE sees for our future.  We even went to see my doctor about the main causes for my lack of interest in sex.  The doc changed my HRT (due to a full hysterectomy) and gave us some insight to what is causing most of it.  I also told my husband that he needs to remember to start with my mind and not other things.  Romance me!  It helps.  Things have been better in that department. I also needed to clarify some things in my mind about the first time when the affair started and why.  So, he told me more about the first time he had sex with her.  I didn't necessarily want to know the details but I needed too.  Sounds demented and sick to NEED the details even though I don't want to hear them.  He tells me he regrets everything that has happened since that day between them.  He tells me that until he told me about the affair, he thought that a divorce and being with her is what he wanted.  He said that after telling me, he realized that it was not and realized where he truly wanted to be.  With ME!   He has told me repeatedly that he loves me and only wants me.  He tells me that he understands the pain I am in and hates having done this to me.  He doesn't want to lose me or our family.  I agree!  I don't want to lose him either even though he has hurt me so deeply.  I do love him and I am still in love with him though I feel that it is diminished because of how he hurt me with the affair and telling me that "he had feelings for her and having told her he loved her".   That was very hard to hear.  He promised to love me forever.  He broke that promise to me. I have asked him to help make me fall passionately back in love with him.  I want to rebuild our marriage.  I know that going back to what it once was may not be possible but I hope to build a love that may be stronger since we have gone through this.  I also know that it can't be done overnight.  I hope that he can do it.  I don't want a marriage without passion anymore.  Without the trust or committment! I have told him that I want to renew our vows next year for our anniversary.  I also want to go away for the weekend without our kids to concentrate on us.  I have told him that I want him to surprise me and plan everything.  I want the surprise and romance of knowing that he did it for us. I also don't know if I want a new ring for a new beginning or try to wear the ring he gave me.  I look at it and see happy times but I also see the betrayal and hurt he caused me.  I don't know if I can ever put that ring back on.  Sometimes though, I think I would like him to surprise me with a new one and and have him put it on my finger, ask me to forgive him and to promise me that he will never hurt me like that again.  I know it sounds silly but that is what my heart wants.  I wonder if he was to put my ring back on my finger and ask me to wear it, if it would make any difference.  I would like to hope it would  I want him to be the one to do it and I don't want to have to tell him or ask him to.   I think I am heading toward forgiveness.  I hope so!  The pain is getting easier to live with.  It helps talking things out with him.  I know that I need to eventually place some trust back in him.   That is the only way our marriage will survive.  I hope he knows that even though I don't have to be here, I CHOOSE to be.