Loss

So much loss this last year. A good friend from suicide. My brother in-law from a crack cocaine induced heart attack, he had Hep C, thought he would have one final party before going into rehab and starting the treatment. My best friend's ex-husband from Hep C and diabetes. I'm sad and numb too. Wondering what this new year is going to bring. I have this sense that 2010 is going to be a year of change, in me. As I step out of the single digits, I reflect on the last 9 years and all that has happened in my life, how it's affected me, what I will be carrying on with me and all the things I've left behind. I'm very tearful, and I haven't figured out why yet but I spent so many years in numbness, I think that just being able to feel is the right place to be. Hep C is such a silent beast, so many people have it and don't even know it. The same with the depression, you live your entire life thinking it's normal to be sad and numb inside, then whammy, you find out it's not. And normal, I really hate that word. To struggle with addiction, depression and have people around you that don't...Are they normal or am I? I wouldn't want to go through it again, none of it. But I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't go through these things, so that's just where I'm supposed to be. Right here, right now, that's what matters. I am right here. I am right now. I cry because of the loss. I am sad because of the loss. I am feeling the loss. At least I can feel. Maybe we can put one more emotion on the scale. I am sad, but not depressed. I am tired but not weary. I am emotional but not having a breakdown. I am me.