SEVERELY MENTALLY ILL Tuesday, July 28, 2009 | A Rambling story

YEP, THAT'S ME.  I'M A SINNER AND I THINK I AM MORE THAN I COULD REALLY BE IN REALITY.  FANTASY AND REALITY SURE IS EASY TO BLURR IN AN ONLINE WORLD VS. A REAL HOME LIFE.  IN HIP-HOP, IT'S MORE OF THE SAME, YOU FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT, ONLY MANY END UP FALLING FLAT ON THEIR FACE AND IN THOUSANDS OF DOLLERS WORTH OF DEBT.
 
 
 
I AM A SPIRITUAL, BI-POLAR, SEX ADDICT.  NOW THAT IS A REALLY MESSED UP COMBINATION.
SO I THINK THAT ALL I DO IS BLESSED BY GOD, WHEN IN REALITY IT GOES DIRECTLY AGAINST HIS WILL WHEN I AM FACING AN UNMEDICATED MANIC EPISODE.  I THINK I KNOW THINGS THAT I PROBABLY DON'T, AND I THINK AND DO THINGS THAT I USUALLY WOULDN'T, AND IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S TEN TIMES WORSE WHEN I GO ON VACATIONS.  THE FIRST EPISODE WAS IN CALI, AND JUST AS OF THE THE DOUBLE DEUCE OF JULY, THE SECOND ONE JUST ENDED VERY VERY BADLY.  I REALLY UFFED UP THIS TIME, AND I'M HANGING BY A STRING FOR MY LIFE TO EVER GET BACK WHAT I LOST SO FAST IN SUCH A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, BUT THEY SAY THAT GOD ALWAYS WORKS EVERY THING TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD, WELL, GOD IS GOING TO HAVE TO WORK A MIRACLE TO WORK FIX WHAT ME INFLUENCED UNKNOWINGLY BY THE DEVIL WORKED SO HARD TO BREAK AND DESTROY.  THERE IS ALWAYS A SPIRITUAL BATTLE WITHIN ME TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, AND NOT TO DO WHAT I KNOW IS WRONG DEEP IN MY HEART OF HEARTS.  I AM 100% FLESH, AND 100% SPIRIT, SO CALL IT MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES OR SCHITZO, OR WHATEVER, BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS RAGING WAR INSIDE ME.  
 
I NEED TO START LISTENING TO GOD BECAUSE THE DEVIL IS REALLY UFFIN' WITH MY MIND.  I NEED TO DO THE RIGHT THING, AND NOT THE ROB THING.  IT'S LIKE I DO ISH TO DELIBERATELY MAKE PEOPLE MAD AT ME.  I ALWAYS HAVE, I HAVE PEOPLE THAT HAVE JUST MET ME, THAT REALLY JUST DON'T LIKE ME, AND THE WORST PART IS I COMPLETELY DESERVE IT BECAUSE I CAUSED IT ALL WITH MY WORDS AND ACTIONS.
 
 
 
 
SOMEONE JUST TOLD ME SOME REALLY WISE WORDS, AND THAT IS THAT MY "SORRIES" HAVE BECOME LIKE A WORN OUT SHOE, OR LIKE THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF ONE TOO MANY TIMES TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE WORLD BELIEVE HIM.  I'M THE BOY AND THE WORN OUT SHOE.  I NEED TO WORK ON MY "BEHAVIORS," NOT MY SORRIES.  BECAUSE EVERY ONE, YES, EVEN ME HAS A CHOICE TO CHOOSE PROPER AND CONSIDERATE  BEHAVIORS, AND NOT SELFISH AND NARCISASISTIC BEHAVIORS.  ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IS THAT I AM NOBODY BUT ROBERT BISHOP ARDEN, AND ONLY GOD CAN DEFINE WHO THAT PERSON IS ALONG WITH MY CHOICES AND BEHAVIORS.  I NEED TO START TO BE ABOUT IT, AND NOT JUST SPEAK ABOUT IT.
 
 
PEOPLE DISLIKE ME REALLY BECAUSE I REALLY DISLIKE MYSELF, BUT WITH MY INSECURITY, I'M ABLE TO TAKE THAT DISLIKE FOR MYSELF, AND PUT IT ON OTHERS, SO I'M NOT HATING ME, BUT HATING OTHERS WHICH MAKES ME THE WORST HYPROCRITE THAT ANYONE COULD EVERY BE BECAUSE I DO IT REAL SNEAKY LIKE AND HIDE IT BEHIND, "OH THEY'RE JUST HATERS"  WHEN REALLY, I HATE ME SOME ME.  ONLY I DO IT WITH A SMILE AND CUT OTHERS DOWN WHEN REALLY I SHOULD BE CUTTING MYSELF DOWN.