IN THE WORDS OF MERLIN FROM TOP GUN...ENGAGE MAVERICK ENGAGE.  I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PUT MY HEAD IN THE SAND, AND HOPING THAT IF I JUST INGNORED MY PROBLEMS THAT THEY WOULD JUST GO AWAY.  I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON THE SIDELINES AND WATCHING LIFE PASS BY WITHOUT PARTICIPATING.

IT IS A SAD FACT IN THIS WORLD, BUT THIS LIFE ON EARTH IS ALL ABOUT THE CHEDDER.  AKA MONEY FOR THOSE THAT AREN'T HIP TO THE JIVE.  IT IS ALSO SAD  THAT I OFTEN BASE MY SELF-WORTH ON WHETHER I HAVE ANY CHEDDER OR NOT.

MY WIFE AND I LIVED PRETTY LAVOUSLY DURING THE FIRST 5 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE AND THE CREDIT LIMITS TO ALLOW US TO LIVE AS SUCH.  I HAD A GOOD PAYING JOB AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING PRETTY WELL AND I COULD MAKE ALL OF THE PAYMENTS TO ALL OF THE MORTGAGES AND ALL OF THE CREDIT CARDS AND ALL OF THE UTILITY, CABLE, AND PHONE BILLS...

THEN CAME THE DREADED BIPOLER AKA WE HAD OUR SON AND I CRACKED UNDER THE PRESSURE THAT I PUT ON MYSELF TO BE AS GOOD OF A DAD AS MY DAD WAS BEFORE HE DIED BEFORE I WAS 14.

I GOT DEMOTED FROM MY POSITION AT WORK WHICH CUT 40% OF MY INCOME, AND THEN I REALLY LOST IT.  IF I COULD NOT PROVIDE FINANCIALLY FOR MY FAMILY, THEN I DIDN'T DESERVE TO CONTINUE TO TAKE UP SPACE ON THIS EARTH WAS MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT BEING A "MAN" WAS.  THE TITANIC HIT AN ICEBERG, AND WAS GOING DOWN FAST AND I KNEW IT...SO I DID THE MOST VALIENT THING THAT I COULD THINK OF AT THE TIME, AND THAT WAS TO PUT MY WIFE AND MY SON ON SOLID GROUND AND FOR ME TO GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP, SO THAT IS WHAT I DID. 

I LOOK NOW AT HOW WELL MY STBX AND MY SON IS DOING, AND I ALMOST FEEL PROUD AND ALMOST LIKE A HERO.  AND AS MY PHONE JUST GOT TURNED OFF, AND THE ELECTRICITY WILL PROBABLY BE TURNED OFF TOMORROW AT MY HOUSE, THEY ARE IN A NICE LITTLE APARTMENT AND FLOURISHING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHICH MAKES ME FEEL GOOD THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS HELL THAT MY EARLIER DECISIONS IN LIFE HAS PUT ME THROUGH IN A FINANCIAL RELM.

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LIKE JESUS AND TAKE AWAY PAIN FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND PUT IT ON MYSELF, AND I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER BE THAT SIGNIFICANT, BUT IN THIS SMALL INSTANCE I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT FOR MY SON AND MY WIFE.  I DO BELIEVE THAT MY LIFE WILL SOMEDAY RESURRECT SO TO SPEAK, AND I PRAY EVERYDAY FOR THAT DAY TO COME.  UNTIL THAT DAY COMES, I WILL TRY TO PICK UP A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD FROM THE BOAT AND KEEP MY NOSE ABOVE WATER AT LEAST PART OF THE TIME TO SUSTAIN LIFE THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN AND TO ENGAGE AND BE A BLESSING TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN BEFORE MY HEART GIVES OUT JUST AS MY DAD'S DID 15 AND A HALF YEARS AGO.

I WISH YOU ALL PEACE AND LOVE FROM ROB AND MY SON DEUCE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.