I JUST WANT TO FLIP-FLOP A LITTLE. HEY, I WOULDN'T BE BIPOLER IF I DIDN'T FLIP-FLOP. THERE IS 2 SIDES TO EVERY STORY, AND I HAVE ONLY PRESENTED MY SIDE, AND PLACED MY STBX IN A VERY NEGATIVE LIGHT. I WANT TO STEP BACK AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FOCUS ON THE 4 FINGERS POINTED BACK AT ME WHEN I POINT AT HER.
I DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE. WHETHER IT WAS THE BIPOLER DISORDER THAT CAUSED MY ACTIONS OR NOT IS IRREGUARDLESS. IT CAME FROM INSIDE ME. I LIKE TO SAY THAT IT STARTED WHEN MY SON WAS BORN, BUT I WAS ABUSIVE AND MEAN BEFORE THAT. I HAVE ALWAYS TALKED A LOT OF CRAP AND SUB-CONCIOUSLY PUT OTHERS DOWN TO LIFT MYSELF UP, AND THE GIRL THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH BECAME MY ONLY TARGET. YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE CLOSEST TO YOU THE MOST AND SHE WAS VERY MUCH SO THE CLOSEST TO ME. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND FOR THE MOST PART MY ONLY FRIEND.
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, SHE SAID THAT SOMETHING CHANGED, AND ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO SEX. INSTEAD OF BEING THE SWEET, LOVING, AND NICE GUY TO HAVE SEX, SHE SAID I BEGAN TO EXPECT SEX, AND WOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE SAME EFFORTS TO MAKE HER DESIRE ME. THAT IS A MAJOR PITFALL FOR MOST MEN. WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE A WOMAN FALL IN LOVE WITH US, BUT AFTER THEY DO, WE GET LAZY AND COMPLACENT AND DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE WE ONCE DID.
AFTER MY SON WAS BORN I TRANSFERED JOB LOCATIONS SO I COULD BE CLOSE TO HOME, AND BETWEEN MY INSECURITY ABOUT BEING A GOOD DAD AND BEING A GOOD SUPPORTER OF MY WIFE, AND FITTING IN TO THE NEW ENVIRONMENT AT WORK...I JUST LOST IT. I FELT SOOO INSECURE AND DEPRESSED WITH A FORM OF SYMPATHETIC POST PARDOM AND INSTEAD OF ADMITTING IT, I BLAMED MY WIFE.
I FREAKED OUT AT WORK, SOUGHT OUT A PSYCHIATRIST, AND GOT TREATED FOR DEPRESSION. THAT IS WHEN THINGS REALLY GOT OUT OF CONTROL. I BECAME EXTREMELY MANIC, AND THOUGHT THAT HER AND MY OTHER BEST FRIEND WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME. I WENT ON A SHOPPING SPREE, SPENT A NIGHT IN JAIL FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE AND THEN CHECKED MYSELF INTO THE PSYCH WARD. THERE THEY TOLD ME...ROB, YOU'RE NOT DEPRESSED YOU'RE BIPOLER. WELL AFTER SOME TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, I TOOK A MEDICAL LEAVE FROM WORK, AND WHEN I WAS READY TO COME BACK, I GOT TRANSFERRED AGAIN. I DID SOME DUMB THINGS THERE AND GOT DEMOTED FROM MANAGEMENT WHICH BASICLY CUT 40% OF MY INCOME.
THEN IT REALLY STARTED TO HIT THE FAN IN MY MARRIAGE. AS THE MAN I FELT THAT MY PURPOSE WAS TO BE THE FINANCIAL PROVIDER, AND I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT FOR THE FIRST 5 YEARS, AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD THAT I WAS FORFILLING A PURPOSE IN OUR MARRIAGE. ONCE THAT WAS GONE, I FELT ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS, AND ONCE AGAIN I BLAMED MY WIFE BY SAYING SHE WASN'T EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTING ME THROUGH THIS HARD TIME IN MY LIFE. I EVENTUALLY GOT FIRED FROM THERE AFTER AN 8 AND A HALF YEAR CAREER, AND I JUST DIDN'T FEEL ENCOURAGED OR SUPPORTED BY MY WIFE WHICH IN MY DILLUSION, WAS PROBABLY A BUNCH OF CRAP.
I KNEW MY SHIP WAS GOING DOWN, AND I WAS BECOMING MANIC AND DILUSIONAL ONCE AGAIN, SO I DECIDED TO PUT HER AND MY SON SAFELY ON THE SHORE AND GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP AKA I FILED FOR DIVORCE TO GET HER SAFELY OFF THIS BAD RIDE OF MY HELLACIOUS ROLLER COASTER.
THEN CAME THE DAY THAT I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BLEW IT. IT WAS DECEMBER 21, 2006 WHICH WAS THE 15TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY DAD'S DEATH. SHE WAS LIVING WITH OUR SON AT HER DAD'S, AND I HAD ASKED IF I COULD BE WITH MY SON ON THAT DAY OF MOURNING. SHE PICKED ME UP AND WE WENT TO MY DAD'S GRAVESITE. I PRAYED AND CRIED AND HELD AND TALKED TO MY SON FOR A WHILE, AND THEN WE LEFT AND WENT TO THE MALL SO I COULD SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY BOY. I HAD NOT BEEN ALLOWED BY HER TO SEE MY SON FOR OVER A MONTH UNTIL THAT DAY, AND THAT HAD REALLY HURT AND UPSET ME. WE WALKED AROUND THE MALL FOR A BIT, AND GOT INTO A ARGUEMENT ABOUT WHY SHE WAS KEEPING MY SON FROM ME, AND I LOST IT. IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG MALL 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, I THREW A FLURY OF PUNCHES WITH THE FIRST ONE BEING AT HER FACE WHILE MY SON WAS IN HIS STROLLER WITH US. I THEN EMBRACED MY SON IN THE BACK OF A CLEAR GLASS ELEVATOR UNTIL THE POLICE CAME AND DELIVERED MY SON TO HER AND I WENT TO JAIL. THAT WAS THE WORST THING BY FAR THAT I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I AM STILL AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL PAY FOR THE CONSEQUENSES OF THAT INCONCEIVEALBLE SIN. I SIT BACK TODAY, AND CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I DID THAT TO HER AND MY SON. I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY, AND I KNOW THAT I AM SORRY. NOW I NEED TO APOLOGIZE. THAT IS WHY I DESERVE EVERYTHING I GET IN THIS LIFE. ON THAT DAY I SOWED SUCH EVIL AND WILL BE REAPING THE FRUIT OF THAT UNTIL THE DAY I STAND IN JUDGMENT.
THAT IS HOW I DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE AND INJURED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SON. IT SEEMS LIKE MY SON HAS FORGIVEN ME, AND FOR THAT I AM GRATEFUL. SHE IS AFRAID OF ME, AND I WILL LIVE EVERYDAY TO TRY TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE THAT 5 SECONDS OF RAGE DID TO HER. MY CHOICES AND ACTIONS CAUSED ME TO BE IN THE PREDICAMENT THAT I AM IN NOW. SHE HAS BEEN FAVORED BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN RIGHTOUS IN THE EYES OF THE COURT, AND IN THE EYES OF GOD. LORD FORGIVE ME FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO.
GZUS THUG.
I DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE. WHETHER IT WAS THE BIPOLER DISORDER THAT CAUSED MY ACTIONS OR NOT IS IRREGUARDLESS. IT CAME FROM INSIDE ME. I LIKE TO SAY THAT IT STARTED WHEN MY SON WAS BORN, BUT I WAS ABUSIVE AND MEAN BEFORE THAT. I HAVE ALWAYS TALKED A LOT OF CRAP AND SUB-CONCIOUSLY PUT OTHERS DOWN TO LIFT MYSELF UP, AND THE GIRL THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH BECAME MY ONLY TARGET. YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE CLOSEST TO YOU THE MOST AND SHE WAS VERY MUCH SO THE CLOSEST TO ME. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND FOR THE MOST PART MY ONLY FRIEND.
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, SHE SAID THAT SOMETHING CHANGED, AND ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO SEX. INSTEAD OF BEING THE SWEET, LOVING, AND NICE GUY TO HAVE SEX, SHE SAID I BEGAN TO EXPECT SEX, AND WOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE SAME EFFORTS TO MAKE HER DESIRE ME. THAT IS A MAJOR PITFALL FOR MOST MEN. WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE A WOMAN FALL IN LOVE WITH US, BUT AFTER THEY DO, WE GET LAZY AND COMPLACENT AND DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE WE ONCE DID.
AFTER MY SON WAS BORN I TRANSFERED JOB LOCATIONS SO I COULD BE CLOSE TO HOME, AND BETWEEN MY INSECURITY ABOUT BEING A GOOD DAD AND BEING A GOOD SUPPORTER OF MY WIFE, AND FITTING IN TO THE NEW ENVIRONMENT AT WORK...I JUST LOST IT. I FELT SOOO INSECURE AND DEPRESSED WITH A FORM OF SYMPATHETIC POST PARDOM AND INSTEAD OF ADMITTING IT, I BLAMED MY WIFE.
I FREAKED OUT AT WORK, SOUGHT OUT A PSYCHIATRIST, AND GOT TREATED FOR DEPRESSION. THAT IS WHEN THINGS REALLY GOT OUT OF CONTROL. I BECAME EXTREMELY MANIC, AND THOUGHT THAT HER AND MY OTHER BEST FRIEND WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME. I WENT ON A SHOPPING SPREE, SPENT A NIGHT IN JAIL FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE AND THEN CHECKED MYSELF INTO THE PSYCH WARD. THERE THEY TOLD ME...ROB, YOU'RE NOT DEPRESSED YOU'RE BIPOLER. WELL AFTER SOME TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, I TOOK A MEDICAL LEAVE FROM WORK, AND WHEN I WAS READY TO COME BACK, I GOT TRANSFERRED AGAIN. I DID SOME DUMB THINGS THERE AND GOT DEMOTED FROM MANAGEMENT WHICH BASICLY CUT 40% OF MY INCOME.
THEN IT REALLY STARTED TO HIT THE FAN IN MY MARRIAGE. AS THE MAN I FELT THAT MY PURPOSE WAS TO BE THE FINANCIAL PROVIDER, AND I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT FOR THE FIRST 5 YEARS, AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD THAT I WAS FORFILLING A PURPOSE IN OUR MARRIAGE. ONCE THAT WAS GONE, I FELT ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS, AND ONCE AGAIN I BLAMED MY WIFE BY SAYING SHE WASN'T EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTING ME THROUGH THIS HARD TIME IN MY LIFE. I EVENTUALLY GOT FIRED FROM THERE AFTER AN 8 AND A HALF YEAR CAREER, AND I JUST DIDN'T FEEL ENCOURAGED OR SUPPORTED BY MY WIFE WHICH IN MY DILLUSION, WAS PROBABLY A BUNCH OF CRAP.
I KNEW MY SHIP WAS GOING DOWN, AND I WAS BECOMING MANIC AND DILUSIONAL ONCE AGAIN, SO I DECIDED TO PUT HER AND MY SON SAFELY ON THE SHORE AND GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP AKA I FILED FOR DIVORCE TO GET HER SAFELY OFF THIS BAD RIDE OF MY HELLACIOUS ROLLER COASTER.
THEN CAME THE DAY THAT I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BLEW IT. IT WAS DECEMBER 21, 2006 WHICH WAS THE 15TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY DAD'S DEATH. SHE WAS LIVING WITH OUR SON AT HER DAD'S, AND I HAD ASKED IF I COULD BE WITH MY SON ON THAT DAY OF MOURNING. SHE PICKED ME UP AND WE WENT TO MY DAD'S GRAVESITE. I PRAYED AND CRIED AND HELD AND TALKED TO MY SON FOR A WHILE, AND THEN WE LEFT AND WENT TO THE MALL SO I COULD SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY BOY. I HAD NOT BEEN ALLOWED BY HER TO SEE MY SON FOR OVER A MONTH UNTIL THAT DAY, AND THAT HAD REALLY HURT AND UPSET ME. WE WALKED AROUND THE MALL FOR A BIT, AND GOT INTO A ARGUEMENT ABOUT WHY SHE WAS KEEPING MY SON FROM ME, AND I LOST IT. IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG MALL 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, I THREW A FLURY OF PUNCHES WITH THE FIRST ONE BEING AT HER FACE WHILE MY SON WAS IN HIS STROLLER WITH US. I THEN EMBRACED MY SON IN THE BACK OF A CLEAR GLASS ELEVATOR UNTIL THE POLICE CAME AND DELIVERED MY SON TO HER AND I WENT TO JAIL. THAT WAS THE WORST THING BY FAR THAT I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I AM STILL AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL PAY FOR THE CONSEQUENSES OF THAT INCONCEIVEALBLE SIN. I SIT BACK TODAY, AND CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I DID THAT TO HER AND MY SON. I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY, AND I KNOW THAT I AM SORRY. NOW I NEED TO APOLOGIZE. THAT IS WHY I DESERVE EVERYTHING I GET IN THIS LIFE. ON THAT DAY I SOWED SUCH EVIL AND WILL BE REAPING THE FRUIT OF THAT UNTIL THE DAY I STAND IN JUDGMENT.
THAT IS HOW I DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE AND INJURED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SON. IT SEEMS LIKE MY SON HAS FORGIVEN ME, AND FOR THAT I AM GRATEFUL. SHE IS AFRAID OF ME, AND I WILL LIVE EVERYDAY TO TRY TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE THAT 5 SECONDS OF RAGE DID TO HER. MY CHOICES AND ACTIONS CAUSED ME TO BE IN THE PREDICAMENT THAT I AM IN NOW. SHE HAS BEEN FAVORED BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN RIGHTOUS IN THE EYES OF THE COURT, AND IN THE EYES OF GOD. LORD FORGIVE ME FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO.
GZUS THUG.
Replies
thank you for sharing that with us, even though it still sounds very painful for you. your son will forgive and forget-he still has the heart of a child. besides, he sees you for who you are before and after that event. he will not judge you by that alone.
Children love you for who you are, bipolar or not. Don\'t beat yourself up about the past, concentrate on the future.
Love Suze x
it will get better, you see what you need to change within yourself and if you pray and ask God for help you will get that!