Feeling better
Hi everyone,
I want to thank all my DS friends for the kind words and support regarding my last post. I haven't had a wave of grief hit like that for a long time but it hit and hit hard. I don't really know why...maybe I was just overtired from work, grief, ongoing family drama etc. I remember something from al-anon. They use the acronym H.A.L.T. - do not let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Well I was pretty angry & tired & just got so overwhelmed and cried and cried from Friday, into Saturday & into Sunday. The other social worker in my office just lost her husband who passed from a chronic illness. He was sick for 25 years and she took wonderful care of him. I think her loss brought up a lot of feelings for me and I have been covering her caseload while she is out as well.
Also, I have a lot of parents on my caseload who are really trying with their kids and are improving their parenting and then I have others who are just as I call them, "fertile Myrtles" and keep having babies and continue to neglect all these precious children that they have been blessed with. I am not norrmally judgmental but sometimes it gets to me. So all that stuff at work may have contributed to my 3 day meltdown. But honestly, who knows? Sometimes I think it just is what it is.
On Sunday morning after 2 days of sadness and rage without let up I said to Ken, "well I'm going to go to church." (nothing unusual there I go most Sundays but this Sunday I really didn't want to go). As I said to Ken, "I don't feel like going but I need to since I am turning into a bitter old woman." Anyway, I did go and God knew that I needed to be there. I happen to go to a Methodist church & we rarely have what what I refer to as an "altar call". Sunday the minister said that she felt led to have an altar call for people who wanted to be prayed over for healing. Well, I may have knocked some people out of the way running up to the altar, lol, coz I knew this angry, bitter old woman (me) needed some prayer & healing! So there I was at the altar & some tears fell & the minister prayed and I could hear others at the altar crying too and remembered that I am not the only one who is heavily burdened...I remembered others are hurting and felt compassion for them whatever they are dealing with and that reminder helped a bit to sort of lift out of some of the pain. I wish I could say I felt a lot better after the prayer but this healing stuff takes time. But God is good and I know that in the last 3 years He has begun a healing work in me and will continue the healing process.
I am better now and feeling more ok. It is true what others have said..the pain of losing my child has lightened over the last 3 years but the grief is always there. I do have more good days than bad now, but the bad days can be rough. I don't stay in the abyss nearly as long as I did before and for that I am grateful.
Miss you, Ed. Love you so...
I want to thank all my DS friends for the kind words and support regarding my last post. I haven't had a wave of grief hit like that for a long time but it hit and hit hard. I don't really know why...maybe I was just overtired from work, grief, ongoing family drama etc. I remember something from al-anon. They use the acronym H.A.L.T. - do not let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Well I was pretty angry & tired & just got so overwhelmed and cried and cried from Friday, into Saturday & into Sunday. The other social worker in my office just lost her husband who passed from a chronic illness. He was sick for 25 years and she took wonderful care of him. I think her loss brought up a lot of feelings for me and I have been covering her caseload while she is out as well.
Also, I have a lot of parents on my caseload who are really trying with their kids and are improving their parenting and then I have others who are just as I call them, "fertile Myrtles" and keep having babies and continue to neglect all these precious children that they have been blessed with. I am not norrmally judgmental but sometimes it gets to me. So all that stuff at work may have contributed to my 3 day meltdown. But honestly, who knows? Sometimes I think it just is what it is.
On Sunday morning after 2 days of sadness and rage without let up I said to Ken, "well I'm going to go to church." (nothing unusual there I go most Sundays but this Sunday I really didn't want to go). As I said to Ken, "I don't feel like going but I need to since I am turning into a bitter old woman." Anyway, I did go and God knew that I needed to be there. I happen to go to a Methodist church & we rarely have what what I refer to as an "altar call". Sunday the minister said that she felt led to have an altar call for people who wanted to be prayed over for healing. Well, I may have knocked some people out of the way running up to the altar, lol, coz I knew this angry, bitter old woman (me) needed some prayer & healing! So there I was at the altar & some tears fell & the minister prayed and I could hear others at the altar crying too and remembered that I am not the only one who is heavily burdened...I remembered others are hurting and felt compassion for them whatever they are dealing with and that reminder helped a bit to sort of lift out of some of the pain. I wish I could say I felt a lot better after the prayer but this healing stuff takes time. But God is good and I know that in the last 3 years He has begun a healing work in me and will continue the healing process.
I am better now and feeling more ok. It is true what others have said..the pain of losing my child has lightened over the last 3 years but the grief is always there. I do have more good days than bad now, but the bad days can be rough. I don't stay in the abyss nearly as long as I did before and for that I am grateful.
Miss you, Ed. Love you so...
Replies
We build up a stress load from our work or other circumstances, then other problems come to the surface. Happens to me all the time.
But maybe the key is that last part where you said you don\'t stay down as long. I\'m noticing that in myself as well...maybe we\'re healing after all.
Every day a little stronger, healing takes time for sure. May your burden grow lighter in the time ahead of you.
I understand...not too long ago while driving just a strange feeling came to me out of the blue. I fought it but at the same time ask myself just why didn\'t I or why shouldn\'t I just break down. It was an overwhelming thought of just screaming, crying asking why my son had to die. The whole episode lasted only a few moments but something just lingered that day and really several days afterward. It is hard to capture just what the feeling was other than disbelieve of it all. I am lucky that I don\'t have work to stress me or the burdens of so many others to think about. No wonder you needed the walk to the alter. Thank goodness you were given love and support. Our situation is hard to manage but it is wise to realize that \"yes, you have had it tough but others have it worse\". Try to leave your work at work. Stop and smell the roses or lick some snowflakes. Hugs, Peggy
I love you!
Healing is happening dearest Linda and yes, these tsunamis of the soul are trigggered by so many things. You have learned how to ride the wild wave with some cuts and bruises yet always remembering how to come up for air.
Oh, how wondeful to have that hands on healing and I must admit those always bring on the tears for me too. Remembering that each of us carries a burden makes for a more compassionate and loving heart and I cannot think of anyone who possesses that more than YOU.
Tend to that beautiful heart of yours gently and I\'m so glad that you knew to come here for safety and for understanding.
Love to that wonderful son of yours, Ed, who never stops holding you and sending continued prayers of healing and positive affirmations your way.
Much love dear one!
XO Joanie
So glad you are better,,,,I must giggle as I think of you running up to the alter on Sunday...I guess I would have run with you....that service sounds great...I so wish we had something like that.....love ya!
Linda, It sounds to me you had another break through. This is what I have been calling them when it happens to me. IT happens to me throughout the grieving process...All I read in your journal reminded me when you said the H.A.L.T. Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired...It all comes to a stop and we break down, then in our case, I like to think of as another break through...Like you said you were missing longing for Eddie!! I So understand, I know they say everyone grieves different, when you said you ran down to the alter to be prayed with the minister.. I KNOW, I SAW YOU, I FELT YOU, ALL OF IT!! I too Giggled as I pictured you doing that, CUZ, I to had that same very experience happen to me...The church Had a couple of awesome speakers for Moms who have lost a child, it was so powerful, they were awesome...The church people had about 10 woman there who would circle around you and they would pray and each one would pray their own prayers, it sound so relaxing and I cried, cried cried, its what I needed cuz I have a hard time crying, and I think thats why its causing all this Chaos in my body, as well of other problems I have going on with me.. I\'m so glad You were the first one I saw this morning of here cuz I have to go somewhere now and I wanted to hopefully comfort you knowing your not alone, Love you and hope to see you soon!!XO Kelly
Tight hugs friend!
I am glad that overall, you are feeling better, Linda. I know what you mean about the \"bitterness\" part. Sometimes I feel like I am giving way to that and then I tell myself to shut it down--I don\'t want to turn out like that! When I was around 11? I told myself when I grew up to never be like the older, mean/cold/hardened women I saw around me. I remind myself of what I was so adamant about when younger, and that calms me down and refocuses me.
\"The grief is always there\" --makes perfect sense to me. The reality of our children being physically dead is just that...a truth and a bitter truth at that. That can never be changed while we live, so yes, the grief we feel that our children are physically deceased will always \"be there.\" BUT as I\'ve traveled years down the grief journey-- the ADDITIONAL joyful reality that we will soon be reunited-- has overtaken the sad reality and that\'s where my focus has shifted over the years. Hang in there!
Love and Heart Hugs, Donna
Some days are so bad...but thank God some days are OK...I am so glad you have some support at home...Big hug!!
Dear Linda: Eddie has only been gone 3 ears . With me the first 4 years I thought I was going crazy. I cried and tlaked with my sister daily about Roz. and that horrible hospital. like I always say \'GRIEF IS A LIFE LONG PROCESS\' . my daughter has been gone 10 years and things are better. But I have changed alot. my marriage has broken down. and I,am just really empty. Just my sister and me. No family at all and it makes it hard. I,am glad you went to church. iI still have not went. Try and have a good week end not great but peaceful. Eddie loves you very much. I wish we could just hug them and give them quick kiss. oh well. Bless your angel big hugs love mary ann
Understand this journal all to well, just glad that I was able to read towards the end of it that you are doing better. WIsh I knew more words, just hope my friendship helps. Your friend, BW
I am glad that you are feeling somewhat better. Every little bit helps. I wish I could convince myself, to go to church. I am so happy that you were prayed over, for healing. This bitter, old woman ( me ), needs it too.
(((HUGS)))...Julia
You are right, it is what it is. We want to understand and explain away the pain, but it is what it is. When I fall into the dark, it seems to help to have a few hours or days of tears. I\'m like you and tend to hold everything back in an effort to seem normal. But what is normal about losing our child? So glad you are better. hugs, love and peace, Roselle
Linda I\'m so sorry you went through this hard melt-down. I loved reading about your faith and the blessing of peace your church and pastor brought to you. Hugs and love for peace in your heart. Terry
I am still going down the emails. This post just reminded me how we as caregivers internalize feelings without even realizing it. I can so relate to the family drama!
I remember Lisa often questioning why people who did not care about their kids kept having them. One kid practically lived at her house - until she got old enough to babysit.
We can only do what we can do. Those kids and families are so lucky to have you to care for and guide them.
Love and hugs,
Marlene