Struggling

Hi everyone, I haven't been on much lately. I have begun to write but feel I have nothing to say. Then I have so many emotions that I feel I have so much to write that it is overwhelming if that makes any sense at all. I have been feeling a profound sense of sadness and crying a lot again. I don't know if it is because Ed's 2nd angel date (9/4) is approaching as well as his birthday (9/22) or just the nature of the beast.
I was basking in the afterglow of the retreat. A couple of weeks later my 15 year old car finally gave up & I had to buy a new one. My ex-husband's son Adam was selling a Legacy so my ex & his son met us as they drove an hour south & us an hour north to meet so I could look at the car. My granddaughter drove Ken & I to meet them. I had asked my ex if Adam (who I'd never met) looks like Ed so I could be somewhat prepared & so I could prepare Christina. He said Adam does resemble my son. So I didn't buy the car (didn't like how the engine sounded) but met Adam & my ex, Christina & Adam all got to visit. Adam does look like Ed & he is a very nice young man and as I watched him he stood like Ed, had many of the same mannerisms and even sounds like Ed. Adam was playing with Iysabella, Christina's 5 month old baby and the way he talked to the baby - well it could have been Ed! Christina suddenly burst into tears & I tried to comfort her with something ColleenF taught me - that these reminders are "visits, not keeps."  But Christina was so hurt, missing her Dad & wishing he had gotten to meet Iysabella.
I kept it together for Christina but I am so angry that life kicked me in the teeth & my child passed away. I am happy for the ex that he has other children and I hope & pray they stay healthy but at the same time, although I am not proud of this, I admit I am truly envious.
Well, at least I wrote something. I know the writing does help and the support always helps. Thank you for listening.
Love and peace to all.