hello

Hi everyone, I am having a difficult day. Yesterday was the 18 month mark since Eddie went to Heaven. I have learned from Inga, ihart, not to place too much importance on dates but the dates always get to me. I have had a tearful week, didn't so much know or care what triggered it(too exhausted to try & figure out the triggers) & then yesterday at work when I wrote the date it hit me. A year and a half. Too long to be without my sweet son.....
I am also sad this week because I will not be going to the retreat this year. My granddaughter is too unsettled since she is not sure where she will be living. Her mom, my DIL Elaine took her back in only to tell them they have to leave again. In Elaine's defense I think the problem is not only her  but Christina's boyfriend Terrell too. I think that Elaine & Terrell are both stubborn & they engage in verbal arguments. I hate this for Christina & for the baby. i hate that Iysabella at 3 weeks old has been bounced around so much. Yikes, this is what I do for a living - help to stabilize children's homes. So at some point between my ex-husband & I, we will be probably putting up the 1st month & security on a rental for the little family. I just can't afford the plane tickets which are very expensive as you all know and the additional expenses I've had to come up with to help out Christina. I'm ok with helping out & I will just have to start planning now for next year's retreat but I am disappointed. I know it would have been a joy to meet all of you & a healing experience for me but its something to look forward to for next year.
I wish all of you the best weekend you can have and a measure of peace in the days ahead. Love you!!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I like you sometimes do not know what tiggers me then I see the date and realize. It must be so hard to see them not have a home of their own and you are an angel for helping. Sorry you will not be able to attend the retreat it truly is a healing experience hope to meet you next year love to you
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Hi Linda: I hear you. I was hoping to go to the retreat too but the timing is not good for me - we are going to Ottawa on Monday for 3 weeks and have promised to take Cevyn to Europe this summer. We are on pensions now and I have not had the energy to go to works so funds are tight.
I am assured that anticipating a date is worse than the day itself. I find them all depressing. I am not looking forward to Lisa\'s 18 months as an angel. There are so many triggers - days, trips to the mall, visiting familiar places and especially suddenly seeing familiar things at home e.g. I use the face cream that Lisa used to sell or a television program she likes. You just never know when it is coming and I have no control over the tears - they come when they want to.
I understand helping out the children. We have done and still are helping Andrew and Tiina at times (artists are notorious money managers). We help strangers so why would we not help our families as much as we can?
I have a friend who says that she believes we are where we are supposed to be. Only God knows why we are where we are now. All I know is that you and the other phenomenal women have made this journey almost bearable.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Robin4
Robin4

I do pretty well with most \"dates\", but birthdays and angel dates are dates you can\'t ignore. Sometimes those \"numbers\" just trigger the emotions a little more frequently. I\'m sorry that you are having a difficult day. Just go with the emotions and do your best to stay positive and realize that you\'ve had many days that have caused you sadness and you have gotten through them and you will get through this day too. I\'m sorry you will not be at the retreat. You can only do what\'s within your control and right now helping your family get their living situations settled is where your priorities need to be. Littly Iysabella is the most important right now. Give her squeezes for me. Love to you friend. Robin
NoraMc
NoraMc

I will miss you at the retreat. I hate the \"dates\",,they hurt... do what you need to do for your family, they need you,,Nora
MitchellsMom
MitchellsMom

Dearest Linda, I agree so much with the \"not trying to figure out the date thing\"sometimes it comes for a reason and then it just hits-for me it was this past Tuesday, after almost 5 years(in May) I cried all day-almost as much as in the beginning-couldn\'t figure it out, maybe the change of the seasons, (the whole tragedy took place on a warm sunny day)or maybe as you said, too long without my Son, anyway, I gave into it, sat with Mitch for a while at the cemetery and cried some more and woke up to a new day on Wednesday feeling like my new self.For you, Linda,18 months is still so brand new, I\'m sorry you are hurting so bad.It\'s such a blessing that you and your ex can help Christina and her new family, it is so important that our young people have a good support system as they are trying to find their way in this world,you are investing your love and resources wisley, as you well know.I will remember your family in my prayers as you are going through these transitions, I\'m so thankful we have each other during these times, Love You Lots, Your Friend, Charlene
DunneL
DunneL

Dearest Linda E, I wish there was something I could do to ease this pain. Triggers just seem to come. A date, A place. A tv show. A food. It\'s anything that brings that rush of memory. My 18 mo is this month too. Such a long time. And yet some days it feels like it all just happened. My heart goes out to you, as always, with love, Linda D
biowoman
biowoman

Days and dates should not have power...but they do...we just strive NOT let them have power. Some days you just have to go with those emotions...the sadness. Oh Linda, I am so disappointed that you are not coming to the retreat. I really looked forward to meeting you. I DO understand...but I will miss you. Take care you...love and hugs.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dearest Linda, I am so sorry to learn of this latest battle you\'ve been fighting in this \"grief war\". I had to reread the \"18 months\'\" on the journey because it seems almost incomprehensible that you give so much to so many--after 18 months of hellish loss. The first two years for me were the roughest, as a lot of moms have said. Then it was \"tolerable,\" as I adjusted to living with my loss. Much later on-- my perspectives changed dramatically for the better.
I know you give so much of yourself to so many that you help. Not only on FMO but your daily job. I wonder if you give yourself enough time --to feel and grieve.
Shortly after my loss, I became very active as a way of denying almost, my horrible loss. There was a lot of legal stuff to attend to, the trial, health insurance, getting a headstone designed and on and on. And I did a lot of volunteer type of activity. Anything to keep me busy and try to stop the thinking/reality part!
I was told by someone I respected, a new friend who \"just happened\" to be a therapist, that I had suffered such a great loss, I needed to just do things for ME, to be nice to ME to indulge ME. I didn\'t follow that advice, got remarried fairly soon (upon hindsight it would have been wiser to work through more issues first and then marry!) and then had even more to deal with IN ADDITION to what I\'d merely postponed dealing with
Another wise person ( a former nun) once told me her \"empty bucket theory.\" She said we can give and give and give. But if there\'s nothing in OUR bucket, we just can\'t \"do it\" anymore. There\'s nothing in our bucket from which to share anymore. We have to fill our bucket up againTo me that helped me to understand the need to take more time for me and my own needs.
Your family is so very lucky to have you, but don\'t forget to take time out for LInda. I always felt the desperation type of grief more deeply whenever I was extra tired. Please keep yourself as rested as you can. I believe that will also help you when these tough times come. Love and (((TIGHT HUGS)))
lynette22
lynette22

YOU are not ALONE, those days just hit some of us so much harder...18 months I\'m so sorry, it is too long to be without your sweet Eddie and I remember being where you are, counting the months, the weeks, the days without my angel...after 50 months I can say that now the angel date and his birthday hit me harder than just the 20th of every month, there have even been months in which the tears hit and I\'m confused as to why and then realize it\'s either nearing the 20th or is the 20th. Sorry about you not making the retreat because they are healing, yet theres always next year too. Hugs and love to you sweet Linda! You and Eddie are never far from my thoughts and are always in my prayers and heart! Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

A year and a half is too long! Also, the family situation is worrying you and I find that when I have other life situations going that my sorrow over Douglas compounds itself. I\'m so sorry dear Linda about all of this as I know you are always rallying to be there for everyone and I hope you feel our loving support enfolding your heart. Bummer about the retreat!!! Yet, you can only do what you can and everyone certainly understands. Lots of love dear friend and hoping you can feel Eddie\'s giving you a hug that only a son can. XO Joanie
KimRW
KimRW

Oh Linda, I am sorry that you are having a bad day. I know how they can sneak up on you and there is really nothing you can do but ride it out and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Those \"dates\" do seem to trigger these feelings and bring it to surface. I\'m sorry you won\'t be able to make it to the retreat. You are such a wonderful support on here and I would love to meet you, but I do understand and you are doing what is right. Baby Iysabella is blessed to have you! Praying for some peace for you...Love & Hugs, Kim
Abotsd
Abotsd

Linda: it\'s the whole world with economic problems today. Couldn\'t get to the retreat, either, but do enjoy the photos. I spent March 1, my son, Jake\'s, first anniversary and didn\'t know why I was suffering till my younger son called and reminded me. Our unconscious knows what\'s happening even if we don\'t. So sorry for your tears. It\'s really tragic to lose our adult kids. Nothing worse can I think of. Thank G-d, you\'re able to help the new little family. I remember being in their shoes, too. 50 years ago. love ya, abby
momjmc
momjmc

Oh do I ever hear you... Yesterday I did not want to think all day that it was two more months til two whole years.
So very sorry that you cannot go to the retreat this year but certainly understand. Great-grandbaby Iysabella is so very important and I also know how important stability is.
Sending love, prayers, and hugs your way.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I was told by a grief counselor that anniversaries just hit you whether you look at the calendar or not. It is called \"anniversary phenomenon\" you can even google it. Eighteen months is a landmark. Your psyche is programmed, whether you want it to be or not. Your psyche knows, your body knows.

I\'m sorry you have to deal with family issues when you are drained. I used to think that busying myself was good too, but when it comes to dealing with problems, my head swims.
deleted_user
deleted_user

that sent without prompting (this pc!!!!)

I so wish you could have some peace and time to yourself. We\'re here.

Love you,


Soos