Update
Hi everyone, i just wanted to give everyone an update. As you know my co-worker Chris lost her second brother to a sudden cardiac death. She is doing as well as can be expected. She has 2 living brothers & her mom Jean & her dad Chet.
Her dad just had bypass surgery & is expected to make a full recovery!! The doctors are watching him closely, but all is looking good. i have been in touch with Jean and she is doing ok with the support of her family. I have spoken to her a couple of times & asked if she would like some books that were helpful to me. She accepted them and I think they are helping. i shared DS & FMO with her so maybe she'll join us. I told her if she wants to attend CF I would go with her. We just need to find a meeting midway since we live a good 45 minutes apart. Thank you all so much for your healing thoughts and prayers for this dear family.
Update on mother. I sent her the letter. 4 pages of explaining what my life & journey look like since my beloved Eddie went to Heaven. I asked her 3 things. Not to give me cliches about my loss or say cruel things, not to say cruel things about Josh & Christina (Ed's kids) or to complain about them & how they don't pay attention to her and finally to lessen her demands on me as I need to heal & cocoon right now. The letter was "I" messages as I didn't want to point the finger and I did say that I didn't want to assign a motive to her actions, that I believed her statements were not thought out & that she didn't realize the impact.
Then the calls began. i didn't answer several & then got fed up & answered. She asked why we couldn't get along? I said I get along fine. I need you to stop saying cruel things & i asked her if she even read the letter. she said, "yes". I said, "what is your understanding of it?" She replied, "that you don't want to see me." I have to laugh. I guess once a narcissist, always a narcissist. I explained its up to her. Tone it down & we can have some sort of relationship. She said she"would try". I said, "No, you need to do it." She said she would improve. For her, that's huge, lol. I'll keep you posted.
Have a peaceful day. Love to all.
Her dad just had bypass surgery & is expected to make a full recovery!! The doctors are watching him closely, but all is looking good. i have been in touch with Jean and she is doing ok with the support of her family. I have spoken to her a couple of times & asked if she would like some books that were helpful to me. She accepted them and I think they are helping. i shared DS & FMO with her so maybe she'll join us. I told her if she wants to attend CF I would go with her. We just need to find a meeting midway since we live a good 45 minutes apart. Thank you all so much for your healing thoughts and prayers for this dear family.
Update on mother. I sent her the letter. 4 pages of explaining what my life & journey look like since my beloved Eddie went to Heaven. I asked her 3 things. Not to give me cliches about my loss or say cruel things, not to say cruel things about Josh & Christina (Ed's kids) or to complain about them & how they don't pay attention to her and finally to lessen her demands on me as I need to heal & cocoon right now. The letter was "I" messages as I didn't want to point the finger and I did say that I didn't want to assign a motive to her actions, that I believed her statements were not thought out & that she didn't realize the impact.
Then the calls began. i didn't answer several & then got fed up & answered. She asked why we couldn't get along? I said I get along fine. I need you to stop saying cruel things & i asked her if she even read the letter. she said, "yes". I said, "what is your understanding of it?" She replied, "that you don't want to see me." I have to laugh. I guess once a narcissist, always a narcissist. I explained its up to her. Tone it down & we can have some sort of relationship. She said she"would try". I said, "No, you need to do it." She said she would improve. For her, that's huge, lol. I'll keep you posted.
Have a peaceful day. Love to all.
Replies
Oh Sweetie, even when we speak our hearts clear as day others just don\'t get it. I hope she truly thinks about what she\'s going to say before saying it, all you can do now is wait and see. You are a special person, an amazing woman, a loving mother, and a CHERISHED friend. I love you, I love you too Eddie!! Lynette
Well...that is something! Mom may have a bit of trouble continuing to try...but you setting the ground rules for the relationship is very good. THEN, if she misbehaves again...you can quit the relationship for a while so she gets the message...so...good for you! Love you bunches...Karen
I think you did the best thing by writing her a letter....then maybe she can refer to it if she ever over steps her boundaries again. I pray she will behave better so that you can heal without added drama. I pray for healing and peace.....you deserve it!! Love to you and to Eddie....dale, brandon\'s mom
Good move, a well thought out letter written without condemnation. An art really when someone can get under your skin so much! The written word is powerful and perhaps she will think outside of \"her\" box! You never know!
Much love to you and Eddie,
Soos
This is encouraging and time will tell. It is difficult to relearn new ways of being yet we are always invited to do just that. Try to catch her being \"good\" if you can and acknowledge it. Just like we did with our own children and our parents can become very childlike as they advance in years, can\'t they? I know you will enter very carefully into this yet as I have always believed where there is a pulse there is HOPE. :) Thank you for sharing your other news as well dear Linda. Much love, Joanie
It\'s very hard for adult mothers to have a relationship that doesn\'t poke buttons. We\'re built this way, much too intimate. I try to think of my daughter\'s point of view, it doesn\'t come naturally. I\'m sure I say many wrong things that irritate her no end. Same here! We love one another. That\'s the bottom line. You did just great!! kudos to you!!love, abby
You\'re such a good friend to your friends.
I believe you are doing the right thing to help guide your mom. Keep strong in your committment.
Hope, love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
Wow, can you send that letter to my mom? have an extra copy?
I so wish I could say those things and be that strong with mom, please tell me how!!!! Nora
Linda, all praise and respect for your healthy boundaries! WOW. Not many can hold that line. When you asked what SHE thought the letter said, you got a clear snapshot of her dysfunction, didn\'t you. Does sound like there was a little tiny glimmer of \'maybe\' though.
I remember I asked Andy a million (slight exaggeration) times to remember to turn off the heater before he went out. Dangerous, expensive, etc. Finally after hearing his apologies for the millionth time, and finding the heater on AGAIN when he had gone out, I wrote him a note that said, \"Don\'t apologize. Change. Love, Mum.\" Nice clear message. Uh, it kinda worked. But at least I felt better. I was clear about what I wanted. : )
See you soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Sarah
Hi: That letter was courageous! I am glad your mother is showing a glimmer of light.
I hope she does watch her words!!
Hugs,
Marlene
You\'ve done what you can ~ and a big bravo for your moral courage! Your mother will come around one day...or she won\'t....but you, dear Linda, have done the right thing. So glad you are taking care of YOU!
Sending much love and big hugs to you and Eddie ~ Debbie