I'm not one to journal too often, I mean to, but somehow never get started. I do read every journal entry from my friends & try to reach out to new moms. I love looking at the photos of everyone's beloved children. So, so precious. I'm here today to ask for help. I guess I feel everything in my life now will be bittersweet. I went to a wedding the other day. A close friend of mine; her 2nd marriage to a good man. I had counseled & tutored her son who has high functioning autism for many years. Ken & i were having a great time then came the mother/son dance. I had to leave the room as I had a huge meltdown & I hate to make it "all about me" especially on Elly's day.
My other friend Vivien ran after me & held me as I sobbed & cried with me. Ken looked on helplessly. I hate this. I hate my life now. I hate that everything in my life will have a black cloud over it. I hate that my only child died at 37 from a heart attack with no family history. I hate that people smoke, drink & abuse their bodies but live until 90! I hate that my son won't see his grandchildren & that his kids have to have the bitter with the sweet at such a young age.
There is a piece of me that still hopes for more. I do want to honor God & my beloved Eddie with the rest of my life. I guess I am asking does the pain lessen? Truly? Do you ever get to the point where the loss of your child isn't the first thought you wake up with & the last thought before you, if you're lucky, fall asleep. I never will forget him but I wish I could think of him more often without so much pain attached to it.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening. I love all you beautiful ladies on this site. I wish you peace.