Do you ever wake up and not feel at all like yourself, almost like an alien has taken over your body? That is how I feel, I have woke up in a mood the past couple days. I am not in a social mood, honestly I am just numb like I am just a shell, like I am not even here, I do not even know why I am in this mood.....Yeah I am tired have not slept good in 4 days, and ofcourse I am in horrendous pain, but none of this is new, none of this should trigger the way  that I am feeling right now. I do not feel like me at all. I feel as though there is this other being living in my body and I am trapped unable to resurface to make things right........ Although, to be honest a part of me does not want to resurface does not even care, I am numb here in this place, I do not dweal on things..... because I do not care, I do not care if I talk to anyone, I do not care if I do anything, I just do not care, I am numb and right now to be honest, it is nice.....I am like a robot I do everything as though I am programmed to do it, I smile when spoken to and act as though I am listening and care, I answer the phone in my freindly voice, but the whole time I am talking or "listening" I am in my shell.....It is kind of nice being in my shell, feeling nothing, not really caring. I am realizing numb is not so bad, here in this numbness I am safe, no one can hurt me because in order to hurt me I would have to care and I do not. Numb is ok, I can live with numb, not that I really have a choice right now. Plus to be honest I am numb so I don't care to be any way else anyways. I am just numb............

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I totally get how your feeling the numb you are the better it is, sometimes you wish you could stay in that state of mind of numb.. I have thought many times to take more pain medicine so I don\'t feel anything but then on other hand I get nervous to how much pain medicine would be okay to take at once. So, I ask myself if I\'m to that point of doubling or trippling my medicine do I have a problem controlling....?? Who know\'s and sometimes who cares. I wish I could give you a hug in person cause sometimes that what we need. I finally had a good day yesterday, it was decent of course still some pain but was more managable. My son\'s asthma has flarred up so he slept on the couch and I slept on fouton on the floor next to him. Boy I could barely move today. I\'m having to suck it up and take care of him not very easy. He\'s going to doctors today I hope they don\'t admit him. If they do I will not come home I will stay with him and I could only imagine how difficult that\'s going to be. I should be focused merely on him but I always have my pain in mind. I am not a selfish person but man does this crap have to stop! The fake smile and yeah I\'m okay gets so old, I would love just to come out and honestly share how i feel. I feel if I do that who is going to want to be my friend or want to be around me. Your in my thoughts and prayers KendraRuth.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yup! I totally understand. TOTALLY! And again, I really think depression is a big part of all this endo stuff. Constant pain and illness is more than enough to make someone just want to turn off to everything. I really get it. Sometimes you just need to be alone and be numb for a while. xoxox