I don`t know what to think about all of this anymore.I just sometimes wonder why things happen the way they do.I do believe in God and in his son Jesus.I just don`t get why bad things keep happening to me,is it because of something that I am not doing that I am supposed to do.We were going to go to church this past Sunday but I wound up getting sick and we didn`t go.I just don`t feel right about going to church when I am sick.I don`t want to spread what ever I have around.I know that there are some things that I don`t like about me right now but those things are because of me being in the shape I am in and it will take a while to change some of them and some of them will never change.I know that I have problems setting for long periods of time because of the back problems,and I can`t hear as well as I used to and then there is this thing about not being able to concentrate on things for to long.I know that all of these things are just excuses to some people but they are a real problem for me.I love to go to a church where there is a mix of old gospel music and contemporary music and that is hard to find around here.And then there is also this thing about me being a Baptist Deacon.I don`t know about most other types of belief`s but once you are a Baptist Deacon in one church them if someone finds out that you are one then they have a tendency to look at you as if you are some kind of leader in any Baptist church even if you are just there trying to find a new church home.I have been to some of the Christian church`s like the one we went to in Larkspur,Co.that is more of and evengecial church where you stand a lot and there a lot of things going on at once[which is very distracting and entertaining at the same time].But I like to go to church to learn and it just dosen`t feel right to go just to be entertained.I know there are a lot of different types of church`s out there with a lot to offer,but is there one out there that can understand what I am needing or talking about.I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to feel like I am a part of something but I am not very good at leading and I don`t like not being included in doing things either.I am not one of the luke warm type of Christians that God dosen`t like,or one of the holier than thou types that look down on every one else and say`s look at what I did.I just don`t understand anymore.When I first became a Child of God I hungered for anything and everything that I could learn and trying to let other people know what they were missing.Now I just need to find a place that is  both filling and working at the same time.I don`t know if that makes any sence to anyone but me.I know one of the pastors at one of the church`s here that is a very good teacher[or was the last time we went to the church he was the pastor of].But is that enough anymore.I just don`t know.Well I went off chasing those pesky rabbits agian,sorry about that but some of the time I just have to in order for me to make any sence about something.I will try to get back on track later but right now I have to go and get some other things done around here or Brendy is going to think Ihave stopped doing anything and everything.Everyone take care and God bless all of you.