The end...
It was truly the very best and very worst of times. And after years of struggling with my conscious and heart, and with the judge's final words of: "Good luck to you both." it was over.
All of the hopes and dreams, all of the best intentions, the plans for the future, everything the two of us envisioned as we would grow old together, evaporated with the stroke of a pen.
Today, mark the end of my marriage. As I sat in court in front of the judge for our divorce (something I swore would never happen to me), I turned my mind blank. One look back in time would have been devastating. In my own mind, I tend to remember the good things instead of the bad. If I did focus on the bad, maybe it would actually make things easier for me. But that’s not the way I want to remember our time together. If I did, it would all seem like it was all for nothing. Both she and I, did a lot of growing up during our marriage. We walked together side-by-side into the unknown, and ended up apart and alone in the unknown. But the journey was worth every step… and the journey was necessary so we could become mature, enlightened adults.
When I joined this website a couple years ago, I wasn’t sure if the whole trip to gay town was worth it. It’s something I’ve heard ex-married gay men like me say over and over; “Was this really worth it?”, “I think I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.”, “I can’t believe what I’ve done to my family.”
In fact, things got so bad, I seriously contemplated suicide many times. Not simply entertained the idea, but planned it. The welfare of my son always stopped me (and it was the only thing that did). I still feel, to some degree, that I don’t fit in with the rest of the “gay community” (whatever that is), I don’t think I ever will completely. But gay or straight, many people don’t feel like they fit in. So all that’s left… is for me to be myself.
I’ve embraced my gayness, but not the other part of me… the human side… not yet anyway. But, my pity party has to end, and when it does the real work starts.
I’ve joined gay support groups, and been much more active in gay causes. I remember how difficult it was for me, and how alone I felt. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning, and reaching up out of the water, I searched for a hand to keep me from going under completely. Sometimes hands grabbed mine to help, but I pushed them away, or let go, almost if I desired to drown… or learn to swim. I think I learned to tread water, or dog paddle, more than actually swim, but my head is above the water.
After my leaving my wife, I became a student of gay culture, and was educated both with horror and delight. But I learned it isn’t good to isolate yourself to the gay world, as exciting as it was (and is). I had to join the human race as a gay man, together with everyone else. Not in hiding. Not in the closet. Not in the patio of “The Tool Shed” in Palm Springs. But with everyone else.
I appreciate everyone’s help I’ve received on this website. For the most part I’ve had the pleasure of communication with some very caring people, who truly care about the welfare of others. I hope to continue to meet kind people who are learning to swim, or teach others to.
I don’t write many journals. I just had to dump some feelings after a day leading away from a past I had so much hope for.
All of the hopes and dreams, all of the best intentions, the plans for the future, everything the two of us envisioned as we would grow old together, evaporated with the stroke of a pen.
Today, mark the end of my marriage. As I sat in court in front of the judge for our divorce (something I swore would never happen to me), I turned my mind blank. One look back in time would have been devastating. In my own mind, I tend to remember the good things instead of the bad. If I did focus on the bad, maybe it would actually make things easier for me. But that’s not the way I want to remember our time together. If I did, it would all seem like it was all for nothing. Both she and I, did a lot of growing up during our marriage. We walked together side-by-side into the unknown, and ended up apart and alone in the unknown. But the journey was worth every step… and the journey was necessary so we could become mature, enlightened adults.
When I joined this website a couple years ago, I wasn’t sure if the whole trip to gay town was worth it. It’s something I’ve heard ex-married gay men like me say over and over; “Was this really worth it?”, “I think I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.”, “I can’t believe what I’ve done to my family.”
In fact, things got so bad, I seriously contemplated suicide many times. Not simply entertained the idea, but planned it. The welfare of my son always stopped me (and it was the only thing that did). I still feel, to some degree, that I don’t fit in with the rest of the “gay community” (whatever that is), I don’t think I ever will completely. But gay or straight, many people don’t feel like they fit in. So all that’s left… is for me to be myself.
I’ve embraced my gayness, but not the other part of me… the human side… not yet anyway. But, my pity party has to end, and when it does the real work starts.
I’ve joined gay support groups, and been much more active in gay causes. I remember how difficult it was for me, and how alone I felt. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning, and reaching up out of the water, I searched for a hand to keep me from going under completely. Sometimes hands grabbed mine to help, but I pushed them away, or let go, almost if I desired to drown… or learn to swim. I think I learned to tread water, or dog paddle, more than actually swim, but my head is above the water.
After my leaving my wife, I became a student of gay culture, and was educated both with horror and delight. But I learned it isn’t good to isolate yourself to the gay world, as exciting as it was (and is). I had to join the human race as a gay man, together with everyone else. Not in hiding. Not in the closet. Not in the patio of “The Tool Shed” in Palm Springs. But with everyone else.
I appreciate everyone’s help I’ve received on this website. For the most part I’ve had the pleasure of communication with some very caring people, who truly care about the welfare of others. I hope to continue to meet kind people who are learning to swim, or teach others to.
I don’t write many journals. I just had to dump some feelings after a day leading away from a past I had so much hope for.
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