Feelings

Hey folks...Well here we are last week of Jan...2009....This has been one of the tuffest month to deal with pain since I  hadall my teeth pulled way back in the 90's....I kinda think pullin teeth was easier... cept for the chiselin and drillin... standin on my chest with that jack hammer bustin out those deep rooted suckers in the back...all I have  for pain is  someting called Tramadol HCL  50 mg... gee four Bayer asprin  work and last about as long...The reall problem with the pain is the moody angery me... I snapp at everything... I'm on edge constantly...kinda like tryin to drive a car from the back set...and at the same time screamin   ...HEY IF YA DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE GET OFF THE SIDEWALK....JERK...!This is the person I so wanted not to BE...every little thing sets me off....nothing is good enuff...dang I sound like someone I know...someone I vowed to never be like....I know from the scan and X-rays nothing is  broken...but I can' t for the life of me  ... understand...this ...PAIN...I'ts way bad... I have a frown on my face...it's a constant 9 or 10...I find it very difficult to function and do the bare necessarities  of daily life....My  kids avoid me... I avoid my friends...here on DS...Maybe it a good thing pain...a way to help us face the end of our lifes to teach us not to be afraid...afraid of what ya might ask.. afraid of death...I catch my self statein under my breath..God I'm ready...how much more must I endure....?I look in the mirror and i see an old man...beaten and worn beyond his years...hollow and alone...I look at  these hands....they use to be so strong...so gentle..so very sure of them to provide....now swollen and stiff...the things they fumble...drop and break...I look at my body....WOW...how did it ever get so huge...Over 400 pounds ...that's more than two of me just nine short years ago...I look at the things I'm most proud of...the things I'm the most ashamed of...my failures so out way the better things I've done...Since 1959 when they stuffed my cryin little butt in that old Buick...and sent me to Texas...I still so recall cryin for my dad... as I watched out the rear window.... the only family I ever knew fade away in the distance...I cried myself to sleep....when I woke up I cried myself to sleep again...by the time We reach Texas from Mississippi.... I was out of tears...Just one sad little kid.. alone with a bunch of folks I'd never seen before... My older brother he seemed happy...but as he grabbed all the attention...I just stayed to myself... wondering what has happen...Where is mom and dad...I learned a lot of things about deception and betrayal... over the years...mostly from those who swore they love me most...and accused those  who really loved me of not....dang... fifty doggone years... like  the gentle breeze that blow the sweet smell of honeysuckle...It's gone all to soon...but ya gotta admitt... it was a wonderful moment..those are the things that have substained me thru the years...Little moments of joy..gifts from God that help me hang on...God know I need those little moments... Guess that's why that sweet smell of Honey Suckle just blew thru  my memories...Yeah I'm havein a tuff time... Lots of folks got it tuffer than me...I Hope they find their little moments...something to give their hearts Joy...a Feelin of Love...The Kind that can only come from The Creator Of Love...and the Wisdom, and Courage to continue  One more DAY....One Day at at time...Those are MY   Feelings....I'm a mess....always Russ