to myself...
I wonder what I'd say to myself if I met Me...! Would we get along Or would we Clash...
I'd like to believe I'd get along with myslef...but I wonder... I seem to be hard on myself when I mess up... fail at things...
Most of my life I didn't even like myself...as a child I hated everything about me... my name...the big ears... freckles...I saw this goofy dufus everytime I looked in the mirror...only thing I hated more than myself was my Grandmother... and my Mom....
Sad aint it...thre generations of Hate... cause we all were just alike... filled with pain and anger... Oh poor old Mom had some brain cells fried... someting called shock treatment... those left her rattled for weeks on end... didn't even know where she was let along who she was...
I was like seven first time she was admitted to the State Hospital in Austin... Man you aint got to be no rocket scientist to see... Mom is in space... spaced out... for real... My grandmother was ashamed of my Mom... gee you tink...she raised her... beat her... screamed at her... same as me...
Poor old Grandma... guess she never had a clue... so filled with the same pain and anger...she blamed her Dad... and she said I looked just like him... gee that was not good...
Hate was such a big part of my life for so long... it was like a sickness... I reached a point where I was ready and willing to take my grandmothers Life... to stop the beatings and the cussin and the pain... yeppers... Oh I prayed, and clung to the Word... I was so alone and so mad and my Soul screamed for something better... Peace... control... I cried God help me and...
I got a Mexican school child therapist... hehehe aint life grand... Yeah I told him How I felt... about everything even Mexicans and why...
He suggested I run away from home....gee where... outta the pan into the fire...heck the fire looked safer... least it didn't have a life in prison written all over it... and my plans did... So I ran... to my Mom...
The next few months I struggled with myself, and my mom, and her hubby I had no respect for... he was the fellow I found in the shower years before when mom was married to someone else.. never had any respect of him or mom... cheaters... home breakers seen it so many time with foster children we kept...
So I went home to Grandma and Grandpa... and life resumed just like before...then she beat me with a garden hose.. water hose what ever you wanna call it... that was it... enuff...
Hard to be respectful when ya tellin some one ya gonna kick their ass... but I tried to show respect... she was my grandmother ya know...so that day the beatings stopped... and I didnt kill my grandmother... made her believe I would... that's so sad now thinkin about it... Awe she wasn't taken back by my ability to stop her from beatin me... but she hated me for standing up to her... the verbal abuse never stopped...and her hatred grew even more, cause now she aint got no use for a Man she can't control...
only she didn't know i was just a confused kid in a mans body... I had no Idea what life was about...
but at twelve years of age... I vowed to be a better parent... to be a better spouse... and to love my children with all my heart and never treat them like I was treated... that much I am proud to say was obtained... I'm proud I never beat my kids... I'm proud I never beat my wife...
It aint been no easy life for me... I don't feel the stronger for it either... I feel old achey and alone... cept here on DS... and my friends I have...
It's only by the Grace of God that I manage to get through the pain sometimes...
today my journal is an effort to remind myself why...I don't give up...
Why I try to make the choices of mercy... for a lack of words...
I try to cling to the things God taught me are right...
Today I'm haveing a horrible time with my pain...
I don't want to share my pain... just to find some escape from it...
oh well it's gonna be one of those days...
I'm hangin in here Russ...
I wonder what I'd say to myself if I met Me...! Would we get along Or would we Clash...
I'd like to believe I'd get along with myslef...but I wonder... I seem to be hard on myself when I mess up... fail at things...
Most of my life I didn't even like myself...as a child I hated everything about me... my name...the big ears... freckles...I saw this goofy dufus everytime I looked in the mirror...only thing I hated more than myself was my Grandmother... and my Mom....
Sad aint it...thre generations of Hate... cause we all were just alike... filled with pain and anger... Oh poor old Mom had some brain cells fried... someting called shock treatment... those left her rattled for weeks on end... didn't even know where she was let along who she was...
I was like seven first time she was admitted to the State Hospital in Austin... Man you aint got to be no rocket scientist to see... Mom is in space... spaced out... for real... My grandmother was ashamed of my Mom... gee you tink...she raised her... beat her... screamed at her... same as me...
Poor old Grandma... guess she never had a clue... so filled with the same pain and anger...she blamed her Dad... and she said I looked just like him... gee that was not good...
Hate was such a big part of my life for so long... it was like a sickness... I reached a point where I was ready and willing to take my grandmothers Life... to stop the beatings and the cussin and the pain... yeppers... Oh I prayed, and clung to the Word... I was so alone and so mad and my Soul screamed for something better... Peace... control... I cried God help me and...
I got a Mexican school child therapist... hehehe aint life grand... Yeah I told him How I felt... about everything even Mexicans and why...
He suggested I run away from home....gee where... outta the pan into the fire...heck the fire looked safer... least it didn't have a life in prison written all over it... and my plans did... So I ran... to my Mom...
The next few months I struggled with myself, and my mom, and her hubby I had no respect for... he was the fellow I found in the shower years before when mom was married to someone else.. never had any respect of him or mom... cheaters... home breakers seen it so many time with foster children we kept...
So I went home to Grandma and Grandpa... and life resumed just like before...then she beat me with a garden hose.. water hose what ever you wanna call it... that was it... enuff...
Hard to be respectful when ya tellin some one ya gonna kick their ass... but I tried to show respect... she was my grandmother ya know...so that day the beatings stopped... and I didnt kill my grandmother... made her believe I would... that's so sad now thinkin about it... Awe she wasn't taken back by my ability to stop her from beatin me... but she hated me for standing up to her... the verbal abuse never stopped...and her hatred grew even more, cause now she aint got no use for a Man she can't control...
only she didn't know i was just a confused kid in a mans body... I had no Idea what life was about...
but at twelve years of age... I vowed to be a better parent... to be a better spouse... and to love my children with all my heart and never treat them like I was treated... that much I am proud to say was obtained... I'm proud I never beat my kids... I'm proud I never beat my wife...
It aint been no easy life for me... I don't feel the stronger for it either... I feel old achey and alone... cept here on DS... and my friends I have...
It's only by the Grace of God that I manage to get through the pain sometimes...
today my journal is an effort to remind myself why...I don't give up...
Why I try to make the choices of mercy... for a lack of words...
I try to cling to the things God taught me are right...
Today I'm haveing a horrible time with my pain...
I don't want to share my pain... just to find some escape from it...
oh well it's gonna be one of those days...
I'm hangin in here Russ...
Replies
You had such a horrible child hood. But it had to stop somewhere and you were it. You finally were able to pull away, away from all the hate and make something right out of your life. I commend you. You found The Lord. That was the best thing that had happened to you and you kept your belief. You could have ended up like the rest of your family, but you didn\'t. You are a very special person, and I am proud to know someone as you. God Bless you my friend. Hope your pain subsides very soon.
Sorry to read that you are in such pain....
HOWEVER, can\'t imagine you not liking you if you met you...
that\'s an interesting thought, dah-ling....:)
Have a good one....:)
xoxoxo
Dear Russ,
Your loveable personality shines through as a mighty fine man.I believe you would like you if you met yourself and that you would make a instant friend to yourself.
You have managed to create some good memories and some good children.Thats a mighty BIG payoff from where you have been my friend.
We are here for you any time so just let the good times roll...........
HUGS!
Rachel
I think you would think you are a great friend!! I know we all do :-) As for your childhood, some things we may never understand but the good thing you got is what kind of man , husband, father, you were going to be and I must say so myself you are an incredible man!! Never give up!!! ((((((you)))))) sure hope you get to feeling better real soon!!! Hope your week starts off better!! take care of you!!!! Keep hanging in there!!
hugs,
Michelle
Yeah I might like myself... but don\'t kid yourselves.... I\'m stubborn and have harmonal disturbances... tend to yell and act like a idoit at times.... i got a temper and i\'ve been know to loose it... i don\'t mean to come off that I\'m perfect... just that I try to be better... I\'m so very human...