good Moanin friends....
I'm feeling more in control of my senses...
still at about 6 on the Ouchy scale...
at least I dont feel like a woounded corned frightin animal...
(smile relief)


Remember the air bed i bought... well it's defective, cheeeep materials and workmanship just wont hold air, no leaks can I find. so I sending it back... geesh it was good while it lasted... exspensive junk. but beggers can't be choosey... nopppe...

Now it's only the twelveth of the month, I ran out yesterday in old V-ger, and spent 115 dollars out of 217 on a new mattress for myself... real one no air stuff... just a cheepy fullsize firm regular mattrress... slept good tho... now I don't know how I'm gonna make the rest of the month with groceries and doctor visits that take gas... but hey...least i aint sleepin on that old box spring no more... sleep more important that eatin lol... so it's beans and tuna fish lol, gonna cut those ground turkey meat rolls in half and stretch out the old menu as far as I can...

I'm thinkin biscuits and gravy lol Yummy just i bee told no gravy... lol aint life a hoot... ya broke and the doctors say no cheep food.. leave the taters alone, no pasta, eat salads and this and that, and hey I'm trying to get by here .... I like veggies, i eat a lot of greens...just I can stretch my budget dollar better with potatoes and pasta then I can on this fat free low salt diet section stuff that cost an arm and legg for this and that... Heck I even use the veggie protein in chilli and other prison gruell i make... yeppp i make one pan meal...

Can't use hambuger helper... heck i aint had no hambugger in several months... chicken and turkey (grounded that is under a dollar a pound so far)

Oh heck I don't mind being poor, heck my take home pay can't find it way home.. I've heard SSI call starvation income... I can't complain too much, we get by, unless something like buying a bed or repairs on a vechile comes up...It aint fun going to Human Resources... I come out feeling like chit... second hand citizen, poor little ole me.... boooo whoooooo...... I won't tell ya what I really feel like doing after seein an case worker.... but hey sometimes i think all of em need some foot and butt dease.... nuff said

I'd rename it Human Denial... okay nuff this chit

I'm just worried 100 dollars don't go far these days, i got 95 in the savings, so maybe I get by... I'd do better if they didnt take all but 68 dollars of my childsupport... and what about the two years I didnt get no support... never see them arrears lol....

Well at least I'm near the end of this miserable existance we call life... I so tire of pain and fussin with the bills, getin no respect from a government I worked and supported all my life... At least i don't have to face another 50 years of struggle... if I make 64 I'll be happy, well probably not lol... happiness for me aint the same as for some folks... me I'm just happy my kids are well and healthy, too bad I can't take their pain with me when I go...

I been wondering if after Doyle is own his own, I mean really able to support himself and make it in life, maybe I can just fade away... gosh i sound morbid this moanin...
yeah i thought about after I get him raise just go off and well, see problem is being a parent is a life time job... no retirement, can't go on vacation and dam sure don't need to be thinkin about offin ones self... but i do...sad aint it..

Be in pain so much so long you just wanna give up... guess being alone don't help much. being fat and unattractive is a plus too lol... I'm probably gonna delete this journal...

Should we as humans beings be allowed to choose when we have had enough... enough pain and suffering and loneliness...

IN ANSWER TO THAT;...PROBABLY NOT!

ya know sometimes the loneliness is worse than the pain...
seems this old heart was made to be shared with another....
oh my brain is all messed up today. foggy and well I'm gonna clean carpet today... I'll keep busy wont be dwelling on this subject no longer...

So don't non of you get all worried about it...
I've vented... typed it on this screen and read it....
I see how lame it is, guess it really helps to see how stupid a thought can be... it's a family tradition... being stupid that is...

Well I don't know it this helps my mental/health at all, but hey I'm gonna hang in here for another day... I can deal with the pain, and when it come to being alone, well I think I can... I think....

do you smell smoke?.......... ;)