Okay so I'm writing this journal so I can see myself talk.
I can't hear myself, oh yeah i feel the vibs as I talk but I don't know the sound of my own voice... wouldn't know me from adam on a tape recording....

Nope.

I've been giving a lot of thought to what some one wrote as a reply to my whinin last week or couple days ago, too lazy to look and see. It has always been something stuck on my mind that I can't get a handle on it... (beyond my control like this dang computer and it's illegal operations and such) Well (I'm gonna enjoy takin revenge on this puter... yepp yepp yepp)

Where was I? Oh, the phrase "Living in the Past"...

I don't really live in the past, but I remember it way too often, every time it rains more than two days I'm in so much pain my mind is like a wounded animal trapped in a corner...
I'm a country boy, and believe me a wild animal aint no toy, not even a little kitten nope... trapped in a corner hurt and scared it's a Tazmanian devil from one of buggs cartoon scripts... yepp ya gonna loose some skin if ya try and grab that animal..

When I was a kid gee between 12-14, I found a young buck caught up in the abandoned chicken coop. Yepp got it little horns caught up in the chicken wire of the big cage we had built to house the chickens we once had...
Poor little buch was in a hellofamess, couldn't get loose. I figured since it wasn't very big, like everything is big in Texas,, ya rite, any way this scrunggy little buck was not happy to see me... I tried the Jedi-bullchit, way before starwars lol... any who, I tried to calm the little bugger down, no good.
He was jumpin and tuggin at the wire, kickin and screamin for its very life I suppose..

Me, I tackle the Little dude, and wrestle it to the ground, ( that was not an easy task as he seem to grow bigger as we wrestled in that chicken coop...
Any way deer can kick from the oddest angles and this little fellow was Helltopay. If I was gonna get a bite of this fellow it was coming at a high price, fact is I had to take a break, I was plum tuckerd out.
I stood there bruised and bleeding when all my mind would fantom was I'm tryin to help... that deer, was pantin and still tuggin and squealing, and just as I was about to go back and try one more time to free it.
Boom! Grandpa done snuck up behind me with his old trusty 20 gauge and well, vension do taste good... but I had to clean the dang thing,
sure wanted to save that little fellow, but I didn't...
I looked at my grandpa, (he was grinnin ear to ear like he did something fun) why he had to kill that little fellow was beyond me... must be part of that great white hunter instinct or something.
Yeah I use to hunt, had rifles and guns, love to blast little priarie dogs out of pastures cause they were there I guess... sick aint it

Well sometimes when the pain is out of control, and I don't have any real heavy duty pain meds, I feel like that wide eyed frighten little buck that was fightin for it's freedom in that chicken coop. Sad aint it...
Thank God I don't live like that everyday, but I have my moments. so any who. maybe when I die I wont act like this no more, who know, is heaven or hell really ready for me!

Be hearing the devil ask God for help cause this crazy fool done put out the fire down here... he stole my pitfork and chasin all my demons with it... ya gotta take him off my hands, i can't control this fool...
Yeah rite...

I'm jokin round, but ya know, sometime I feel like I done my time in hell here in this life... who knew....

My whole life been kinda like that little buck.. I wanted to do good, I tried to do right by everyone, even myself. Somehow I failed, My ex-brotherin-law that don't speak to me no more once asked me if I had suffered as much as JOB? ( I said yeah) He didn't want to hear no more. Least it shut him up lol...

Ya know by the time I was ten years old, I could catch kill butcher and have half a dozen chicken in the freezer in just a couple of hours. Then we had geese too, and ducks, yuck, guess grandma didn't know how to cook duck cause I never cared for duck or goose... then again it aint much fun eatin something ya just killed and cleanes no way... specially at ten years old. Did I tell ya we raised Wabbits... dem waskley little critters. We had lots of animals that's for sure. Cheaper than SAFEWAY food store I guess.

Thank goodness the subdivisions bylaws didn't allow hogs and cows lol... ya could have a horse of pony tho... I'd hate to have raised hogs, cleanin them aint no picnic, gotta scrapp the hide, well I've helped once, cause my Dad and Pappy were dressin a hog, they let me scrap the hide... I was like six back then, boy i remember the sausage they made out of that old pig... Yummy ...

Now I feel way bad when I see animals butchered, but least I aint cleanin em... sometimes I wish I was a total veggie eater, yeppers beans and peanuts... that would be a leathal combinations I reckon, specially with a cold beer.... hehehehe now ya know why I'm an old stinker....

School starts tommorrow, finally, bet I get lonely while he's gone...
The way I love my Kids, I just can't understand how a parent could ever do ill to their children, just beyond me... Thank God for Love... best wishes Russ