Okay Rach, I'll chalk it up to constructive criticism... But I aint growing up... least thats wat the therapist I go to seems to think.

It aint about what I really want to do. It's about dealing with control that I dont always have. I can't shake off the pain, the pain is so constant, I don't know why I can't control it like everyone else that has pain and controls it... do they?

Do you know what it feels like to be me?
What is PTSD..?
Why am I trying to explain this?

Geeesh, that's me always trying to defend what aint worth defending. Oh heck.

I looked up criticism lol... ya know I don't spell that good...

Well today is payday, I get to go grocery shoppin, oh joy...
Boy got forty dollars from his mom for his birthday, came yesterday way late... but hey he's all smiles...

I told him he needs to spend it on school supplies, not gameboys, cards, sony playstations, nintendo, or game cube, yepp he got all of em.
Funny how his mom sends him everything he ask for... too bad he don't ask for clothes, or shoes, school supplies... well it's cool, sure hope he enjoys all his toys...

Any way he came up with a compromise, half for school supplies and the other half he blows...
Me I never learned to compromise, so I'm gonna go for it... better choice than dad ever made... (skip that thought)

So after I take a nap, since I've been unable to sleep since 2 am, I'll shower and we will head of to the Mall and then to Woodmans, after a long trip to South La Crosse to buy some brake shoes and caliper bolts for the old van...
Now the next decision I have to make is which van to take... Old paint is on it's last legg... misses something fierce, and may just give up period, something about a timing sensor, it aint like them old cars with a distribitor, something I know nothing of...
Then theres old V-ger, sure runs nice, but them brakes been hangin up and over heatin and it scares me a tad to drive it... so far no problems but hey, I hate the smell of burning brake pads, rubber and or screaming people.... that's why I drive with nose plugs and ear plugs...lol like I can hear hehehehe... just stay off the side walk and ya be safe while I'm drivin...
So maybe old V-ger, I'm leanin that way now. I got a big hammer an couple jugs of water just in case. There aint no hurry, got all day. can stop tap pour and wait... yepp sounds like a plan..
Now I got to decide what to buy for vittles... like hey I'm tire of ground turkey meat. yeah it's cheeeeep... makes good chilli, and pasta.

but I'm a meat lover, need some cow or pig... I like brisket,and beans but son he loves burgers and fries lol... high dollar deli meats,and fancy kazier rolls, geesh that just snuck rite in there...

Well I guess I should just close, and go play my playstation game, I'm doint X-2 final fantasy. Its about three girls around 18 that are searching for something, each one is different YUNA, and RIKKA and PAINE... yeah it's a role playing game and the main character is female all of em, I collect the Final Fantasy games, call me crazy I like em. They aint easy for an old fart like me that has difficulties multi taskin...

Gee kinda sad me rambling about games.
Oh well I go nothing, really, just memories, and most them aint good...
but hey, what ya gonna do...
I'd grow up If I could, see funny thing about my life, is it sucked the soul right out of me... maybe that's why I'm such a mess..

I tried to figure out why, for most my life...
It aint worth worring over, I do good when I control the pain, and when it rains the pain sometimes controls me... fitful agonizing pain that sends your mind screaming to the dark ream of your imagination... yes there is a buggy man...
we battle often, sometimes i win.
sometimes i loose...
I'm use to loosing, lost everything I had, all my life my dreams, and hopes... I even lost myself once...
Amazing Grace has a special meaning to me...

I'm not whole, just a piecework man.
I'm the weak link in the chain.
I'm not, yet I am...
silly aint it.

See in the moments I been writing the pain has come to visit, so I'm gonna leave now before it gets the best of me...
At least the pain reminds me I'm alive...