I got a new idea this Moaning...

If you read my journal and you wanna kick my as##... just delete me as a friend, cause I'm gonna delete you if ya write some lame ask remarks about how ya just let go and move on... and how stupid I am cause I can't....

Keyword was WHY...?

I write to vent these feeling, and I reckon maybe they just too much.
Sorry I bother... I don't need much excuse to just give up. I find one real good excuse to keep trying.... My children, and most of all My son that I've raised alone with out the support of family or Friends....

It's all good might work for some, but it don't buy groceries for me.
Best wishes and words of wit, don't put clothes on my sons back. Good will and me doing without do....


What my life has been like? Geesh.... lets high light the events some this moanin....

When I was three months old my Mom took off...
At seven I was jerked out of the only loving family I ever knew and shiped off to Texas with some Big fat angry woman I never saw before again in my little life. Yeah I call my mama fat, Oh she was huge, compaired to my step mom, and she was chunky...

Then few months later I get dumped on my Grandmother cause my Mom don't want me, just wants to keep my brother, her special little son... more precious to her than ...oh yeah ME! AWE come on I was seven for pete's sake what you think I'm gonna feel...?

I ask to go home to Dad's and grandma says " YA DAD DON'T LOVE YA AND DON'T WANT YOU BACK" Yepp that's what they told me, little seven year old me... Dad don't love me!!! Aint that a hell of a thing to tell a little kid... Don't want ya back...

Okay then the beating start. Oh I was playing with my brother, oh yeah everytime Mom wound up in the STATE Hospital.. Ya startin to get a picture here... hope so...

Any way we broke a lamp rough housing in the living room... We was latch key kids cause feedin two kids was a strain on the finicial needs of my grandparents... So she grabs the nearest thing she can swing.(being the wire end of a flyswatter and beat the living whey out of me. OH? by brother, nope can't whip on him he has a heart problem... some kind of thingy, I never understood, still don't..
that's just one occassion, I'm not gonna describe the next seven years of daily beatings that left me bleeding and scared to say anything cause she tell me she'd kill me... yepp, I believed her too, reckon any kid would after they been beat till they past out and woke up still being beat, screaming mad person swearing ya faking it.... Yepp Yepp,,

Seven years of being beat and cussed and told how sorry ya are and how ya never gonna amount to chit. Yeah I go to a therapist every two weeks lol.... he laughs and seems to enjoy listening to my tales or woe... Heck I laugh at em myself now... on the good days...

GOOD DAYS... don't have a lot of them,

You know the VA won't service connect my hearing or PTSD because I suffered these before I entered the service... Aint life grand....

So go ahead tell me to tighten up,,, pull myself up by the boot strapp. MOVE ON.

I do when the pains at a level I can control myself.
Just sometimes like yesterday, It gets the best of me for no dang good reason at all... but it do, after three or four days of pain to die for... cause I don't have no pain meds... none, Oh you think a 800 mg Motrin gonna take me away, why ya think some folks use Morphin, and other strong pain relievers for this crapp....

Well at least I aint hooked on Narcs,

So anyways, If I'm too much for ya just remove me from the old friend list... Chances are you don't need the extra baggage I'm tottin around anys way..

Grandma use to say: If ya can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all... Wonder why she never praticed that one...
Oh then there was: Never believe anything you hear, or half what you see... that one works well...

Unless ya catch ya mate with her pants down with another fellow, hard not to believe what ya just saw... Hard as hell....
So I went for a nice drive, cussin my life and crying and wondering what the hell I did to deserve this crapp. How was I gonna work and raise three kids, and so on... Well I came to the conclusion, It's cheeper to keep her... Well we raised them three kids and she asked to be cut looose...

I'm hard on myself, but I'm not totally stupid, I've done real well, at least I feel like I've done as much as humanly possible to keep a roof over my kids head, food on the table, and love in their hearts...
So what if i grump, least I didn't abandon my son when others did... I think he's gonna make it no matter how much I worry... Cause I gave him to God when he was born... just like my other three, and I don't have to stand on a stump and preach it...(showy displays) check it out...

Well I totally lost it for today, Rach, and chip, sorry I don't hate ya, I just don't need the bullchit... and chip I don't need ya bible thumpin... it just aint real, catchy statements with out heart... awe come on fellow, delete me from ya list please, go fishin or something least I aint in front this computer all day lol... i got Playstation to play, and doggy to walk, and son to wait on hand and foot, cause he's been allowed to grow up, too have a childhood, and he's spoiled like I never was, I love it...

Oh yeah the weather let up, I feel mo better today, and I'm hangin in here by my old rope.... Russ