Well since my good health left me... i try not to smell...but I be ever achin at that medicaid hotel... i get so achey baby, i get so achey I could cry... Elvis never sang it like that lol... Doctors nurses, therapist... good old primary health care. They aint out to treat my existing problems, just try to avoid more like liver and kidney, Doc said my heart had a irregular beat so did a ekg thingy, then he says the irregular beat is cause by my breathing, this is a normal thing don't worry lol... I been a little worried ever since they said I had Chronic heart failure...Ahhh wat the hail ya gonna go when it's time to go... My grandmother one raised me lived to be 86 years old with enlarged heart and chronic heart failure. I just need to get this last kid raised... oh say untill at least he thirty lol... I hopin for say 70 ssomething so I can draw my social security lol...unless they force it on me at 65, can you imagine living on 400 something dollars a month in 11 years from now???
I'm struggling on 950 a month now... well least my wallet is lean lol and mean... hehehehehe...Told my therapist...no aint no gieco commerial... I'm a neanthrall not cave man lol... (oh did they live in caves) andy who... I looked him straight in the old eye balls, and said when I look in the mirror I see a total f#@*#@$ Looser...
I don't explain that I realise that no matter what happened in my past the only person responsible for the decissions I made is the person lookin back at me from the mirror... Yeah I did everything my old grandma said I'd do...I drank smoked pot, blew my money in topless bars... Then I got religious at 24, married at 25, Man lots of folks don't like Jehovah's Wittnesses...specially my grandma lol... and my mom... she was one once, I kinda see her point of view... I'm not a member of the watch tower bible tract society any more myself... But I never gave up on Jehovah, or Jesus... nuff bout dat...I'm a southern boy born in raised... place of birth was Vicksburg Mississippi... I like spelling that... spent first six years of my life in Vicksburg. Remember some of the old shacks we lived in... Don't remember being hungry, or unloved... yeah we was poor dirt poor... hail the grass didn't grow in our yard lol...boy it grew in Long Lake where we moved, started my first year of school in Long Lake... I was in the Redwood school district so we was bussed to Redwood just north of Vicksburg...then there was a day in court, seen this big mean woman only once before, now the judge says I gotta go live with her for the summer after school is out... NO way! Why??? Oh well sure as chit stinks, after school was out there was this big mean woman... gosh don't she ever smile??? Hey these folks she came with were all smiles, this guy says he's my grandpa, and this skinny woman is my granny... Hey I'd buy that for a dollar... lol... but I don't wanna go... please don't make me gooooo...I cried till like we was half way cross Louisana then I fell asleep... woke up in Austin Texas... Yepp I grew up in texas...mist the stingin lizards (scorpions) and yellow jackets... Grandma"s hobby farm. fruit trees garden, chickens and ducks couple turkeys, oh I got some tales about these dam geese lol... seems grandpa found some eggs ( he mowed grass for the mighty state of Texas) and we put em under a sittin hen... three of em hatched... so funny three grown geese following this little chicken around... dog learned not to mess with that chicken lol...oh these memories would make a great book, Yeah I've tryed writing, maybe i need a new approach... between mom and my brother and welfare kids... yeah see someone reported my grandma for childabuse...course i was told what not to say, and knew dam well to say only what i was told too... next thing i know we got welfare kids to keep... foster parents my grandparents were... now I had seven kids to clean after, that's not easy, but hey dishes was a big pile, we only did laundry on the weekends, cause i had school during the week see... crazy old bird tried to save money by reusing the wash water over and over... this plugged the washers filter up quick... I got blamed for the machine not workin... so out came the number two wash tubs and a rub board... for two years I washed clothes on those wash board. We had up to twelve person in the house the last year... and two of those were in diapers... if i couldn't get the poop stain out there was gonna be a hole there lol.... I'm kinda proud that I made it through all that labor... was a real blast, soon as I got home from school I was on the patio washing clothes... When it rained she had to go to laundry matt... I prayed for rain lol... lots and lots of times .. I know she broke me, by the time I was 16, she found out I was more man than she could handle... she lost out lol
too bad she died hatin my old butt... then it was hard to tell how she reallly felt, maybe she just hated loving me more... know I loved her... still do... somewhere beneath all that anger and frustration was a wonderful person... It came out once in a while, and we smiled.. me and grandma... miss her! I'm done stick a fork in me Russ