Good Moaning Friends. each day I write a journal gives me reason to try another day... See sometimes I'm scared as hail...really spooky kind of frightening. My old heart does some weird chit now and then. The pain well ya'll know pain so... some of ya know the loneliness, having a disability can bring... Yeah I was awful mad at my ex for years, well too tell the truth I wish I could divorce all these problems and walk away...but I'd dam sure take my son with me...I don't mean to offend any one I just can't understand how a mom of dad can just walk away from their children... maybe cause my mom deserted me at 3 months of age... I just don't understand, sorry, I guess I never really got over it...Life forces us to move on...I've been told I live in the past by many relatives...but they used that fraze to avoid any conversation about child abuse...like you can just forget being darn near beat to death everyday of your life like it never happen! Awe...well kiss my can lol...On the brighter side I am happy... happy as a tornado in a trailer park....like peanut butter ona a hersey bar happy Yeah...Sometimes I wish I had someone to try for...besides my kids that is ya know...this part of life scares me too lol...I'm terrible around people in my old age...Once upon a time I had a better image of myself... now I hate the way I look... hate being reduced to a begger... at least when you work you generally have friends...when you have to stay home all the time to make ends meet... buy second hands clothes at Goodwill, go dumpster hopping to find a old chair of couch... well that kinda brings me down... all those taxes I paid as I worked for a living 26years at least... now I feel like a second class Citizen...ok i am hoppin off this here train...Gee human resources now that is depressing...You know this happens everytime I have to work on an old car... I'm sick as hail for several days later. Going to that movie with my son kick my old butt like you can't believe... but it was worth it...I'd do it again in a second...Last thing I ever want is my son to suffer because of my old a$$...At least I feel complete when I fix his meals and my back is breaking... my whole body seems like it's ready to give up...but hey I got him fed, washed his cloths... I did what had to be done... most of all he knows I love him... and when he says I love ya dad... can't beat that with a stick... When he goes off somewhere with others and I hear how nice he was, or how he helped someone do something... I feel proud as hail... cause I know he's a good kid... now I'm gonna go cry... well I might lol... i cry a lot for a male lol... I cry when i'm happy... when i'm sad... at wedding lol and sad songs... tear jerker movies... when i think of my dad or mom... and I cry because I feel so alone sometimes... Kids can't feel every void.. my wife left a awful big hole in my heart... it's deep and it's full of tears... kind of thing you could drown in if you can't swim... first love taught me how to swim lol... Now I'm smiling lol... someday I'm gonna look back at my ex... and smile... hey Debb it was fun really... guess that why it's took so long to give it up... well stick a fork in me... I'm done... russ, oh thanks sunshine :)