My nerves are on full speed tonight. And by this, I mean it in a double-meaning kind of way. It's almost 1am and I have to be up by 5am, leave the house by 6:15am, be at school by 7 and finish some homework by 8am Psychology. I would looove to be sleeping right now. But my pain and my nervousness are making it impossible. Tomorrow I have to send my portfolio to a few design companies in exchange for critiques, criticism, and their expertise. There's a huge difference between having your peers at school critique your work but it's a whole different ball game when professionals in the industry are seeing your work for the first time. There's something about being a creative that makes you second guess and wonder if your creativity is good enough. A textbook will always have the same answers, but when you have to come up with new ways of thinking and displaying, it feels different. And I guess this is why I second-guess my work. I'm no perfectionist, but maybe I am more than I think. I don't want acceptance. I want the last three years of my hard work to be worth it, I want the struggle of having to be in pain to pay off, and I want to be able to say, "I did this - I did this with pain as my shadow." My pain has pushed me so hard and has given me so much motivation to make something of myself, that I'm almost hard on myself when I don't reach the finish line - or in this case, the beginning line. I know I shouldn't stress over this, and in a way, I think I'm more anxious than anything. The past three or four years have handed me everything on a dirty plate and not a silver platter. Maybe I'm mistaking this for excitement. Or maybe I'm just an average twenty-one year old about to begin a new chapter. Life is progression and being stuck in the black hole of chronic pain... It's given me a brand new insight on progression, the beginning of new things, and the future. I will admit, I'm kind of excited. I've worked hard, I've worked hard to get MYSELF this far and I'm proud of myself. I always saw college as just a name on a piece of paper, but as for myself, it's proof that I can push myself to do things I never thought I would. Proof that I can push through what seems like an impossible struggle. It's evidence that I can do things regardless of the pain that I'm forced to accept and live with. And though the needles are making their appearance as I write these words on a little Blackberry, I know I'll look back on tonight and remember how I felt. And for the first time in a long time, this struggle doesn't seem like such a struggle. And for that, I'm thankful. Now if only I could sleep - for a whole 2 hours.