I'm officially twenty-one years old. My birthday was bitter-sweet. On the four hour drive to Las Vegas with my amazing parents and boyfriend, I kept thinking about how lucky I was to have them. To know I can go to them with everything and to know I'll have their support in all I choose to do. It's amazing how one song can change your entire attitude. I found myself thinking about many birthdays I've spent in pain. I promised myself that nothing would ruin this birthday. And it didn't. I secretly cried on the way up there and then pulled myself together, realizing I'll only turn twenty-one once. My parents made it a great birthday. I'm blessed. I have finals for school this week. It's a fast-paced program so I take seventeen credits per quarter (11 weeks long). It's exhausting and I'm so stressed. Stress does not help the pain, I know this so I'm doing the best I can to keep cool. I spent $130 on a portfolio today. This hard work better pay off or else. I want to design to make a difference. I want it to have an impact on someone's life. Otherwise, what I'm doing is completely pointless. If I can't make a difference, everything I strive for is pointless. The meaning of being in pain will be pointless. I want nothing but the opposite. I want to change someone's life for the better, I want someone to look back and appreciate what I've done, the way I appreciate those who have made a difference in mine. Some become doctors, wanting to save lives. I'm no doctor. But I do know how someone feels. I know what the deepest pain is. I know what being at the bottom means. I know what it feels like to want to stay in bed for the rest of time. I know what hurts and what an empty heart is. I know what it's like to be afraid of a painful future and how scary quiet nights are. I know what its like to be afraid of not feeling pain and afraid of living without it. Next time you see a non-profit campaign for PHN and Shingles, the next time you see posters for awareness, they'll be mine. I want someone who suffers from PHN, to know they're not alone. I want everyone to know someone else understands. Even if you don't know them, you know they're out there.   At this point, I don't want to miss a moment of my life, because regardless of the hell I feel everyday... I know I'll learn more everyday and I know its for a reason. As much as I hate feeling it, it makes me stronger. And to be honest, I don't know if I'd like the person I'd be if I hadn't been forced to be humble, understanding, appreciative, and loving towards everything that has happened and will happen. I know in my heart that it will mean something. It has to.  Goodnight, its back to designing and projects. Another sleepless night and another busy day ahead.