I'm officially twenty-one years old. My birthday was bitter-sweet. On the four hour drive to Las Vegas with my amazing parents and boyfriend, I kept thinking about how lucky I was to have them. To know I can go to them with everything and to know I'll have their support in all I choose to do. It's amazing how one song can change your entire attitude. I found myself thinking about many birthdays I've spent in pain. I promised myself that nothing would ruin this birthday. And it didn't. I secretly cried on the way up there and then pulled myself together, realizing I'll only turn twenty-one once. My parents made it a great birthday. I'm blessed. I have finals for school this week. It's a fast-paced program so I take seventeen credits per quarter (11 weeks long). It's exhausting and I'm so stressed. Stress does not help the pain, I know this so I'm doing the best I can to keep cool. I spent $130 on a portfolio today. This hard work better pay off or else. I want to design to make a difference. I want it to have an impact on someone's life. Otherwise, what I'm doing is completely pointless. If I can't make a difference, everything I strive for is pointless. The meaning of being in pain will be pointless. I want nothing but the opposite. I want to change someone's life for the better, I want someone to look back and appreciate what I've done, the way I appreciate those who have made a difference in mine. Some become doctors, wanting to save lives. I'm no doctor. But I do know how someone feels. I know what the deepest pain is. I know what being at the bottom means. I know what it feels like to want to stay in bed for the rest of time. I know what hurts and what an empty heart is. I know what it's like to be afraid of a painful future and how scary quiet nights are. I know what its like to be afraid of not feeling pain and afraid of living without it. Next time you see a non-profit campaign for PHN and Shingles, the next time you see posters for awareness, they'll be mine. I want someone who suffers from PHN, to know they're not alone. I want everyone to know someone else understands. Even if you don't know them, you know they're out there. At this point, I don't want to miss a moment of my life, because regardless of the hell I feel everyday... I know I'll learn more everyday and I know its for a reason. As much as I hate feeling it, it makes me stronger. And to be honest, I don't know if I'd like the person I'd be if I hadn't been forced to be humble, understanding, appreciative, and loving towards everything that has happened and will happen. I know in my heart that it will mean something. It has to. Goodnight, its back to designing and projects. Another sleepless night and another busy day ahead.
Replies
Happy Birthday, Kenna! I am so glad your parents helped to make it a good one. You are right, you only turn 21 once. Now you are officially a grown up. I sometimes wonder if others feel like I do about that. I am 54 years old, have raised two wonderful daughters and sometimes still feel like I\'m not grown up yet. When I would get overwhelmed I would think to myself \"who made me the grown up here?\". But I can laugh at myself later on days like that. I think keeping up a good sense of humor can help through times of stress and pain.
You have a wonderful attitude and I can only see you inspire people.
Anyway- Happy Happy 21st to you!
Hi Kenna and Happy Birthday. I\'ve read a few of your entries and you give me hope. There are some days when I think it\'s the end of the world. Some days where I want to run away. I\'ve had PHN for 4 months and it has impacted my life. I will be losing my job this week and that is hard for me. It\'s not fair, but such is life. I just am so new with this illness and I don\'t know how to handle it.
Hi Cindy, thanks for adding me. It\'s always nice to have someone else to talk to. Patty has been a great help as well. Some days I think to myself why me, but I\'ll never have an answer for that. And other days I feel so blessed to just be in pain and not having an illness I can\'t fight and have no hope in. So I try to stay in my blessed mode and keep going. To be honest and blunt, the only way I get through is because I\'m forced to find the strength to. There\'s no other way to deal with this unless you\'re strong. Anyone can be, including you. I\'m not a huge religious person or anything but I do have faith in a lot of things. And I have faith that I can do this, live with it, and still be happy. And I have faith that one day I\'ll be able to live the easy life, the one I had before all of this. Keep writing, it\'ll help. Even if you feel like you\'re complaining, write it down. I\'ve been writing how I feel for the past four years and I often go back and read them just to reflect on how much I\'ve learned through writing it down. I realize through what I\'ve written, that I can handle this and deal with it in a healthier and more positive way than I did then. Use it to your advantage. Good luck, and I hope today is a good one for you. :)
Patty! Thank you for the birthday wishes. I\'m pretty sure my dad feels that way, my mom says he\'s still 18. HAHA!