I DON'T KNOW
I don't know about these past four days; it was a very interesting situation. Two of my sister's and my brother-in-law got into a situation that created a lot of tension and my sister, brother-in-law, my niece and great nephew (the ones that moved to San Antonio) left my sister's house (she lives in Indianapolis) after being there Thursday around 5p.m. till 12:00 Friday. They travelled to St. Louis to stay in a motel until Sunday to attend a wedding of lifelong friends daughter; the reason the came home.
My baby sister in Indianapolis has no children and her dogs are her children; this has always been an issue for the rest of the family as she puts her dogs first and there is no if's and's or but's about it. We all know this. My niece called my baby sister two days before the trip and asked if she minded if she stayed at her house with her 9 mo. old baby and my baby sister (so she said) said "yes, but the dogs don't like kids and her youngest dog might bite." My niece, said "that's no problem" and my sister (her Mom) said "it will be ok." WELL.... it wasn't ok. The baby was very good. but the dogs barked and barked and barked. My sister took them to the bedroom several times, but they would continue to bark. Sometimes they calmed down, but not too much. It was pretty loud. One time my brother-in-law was lifting the baby above his head (you know, up and down and up and down) the dogs went nuts and my sister said "Herb don't do that, that's making the dogs worse" and he continued to do it. Nothing was said, but the tension was high.
Anyway, the next day, my baby sister and I had pedicures at 10:00 and my SA family had forgotten their shoes, so they were going to Kohl's to buy some. When we all returned around 12:30, my brother-in-law announced "it was all to much and they thought it best they head to St. Louis. I don't want anyone to be mad, but this isn't working." A lot in between...but my sister went to her bedroom, didn't say goodbye; my sister from SA and I are crying as we say goodbye; my niece is saying it's all her fault; my b-I-l is saying "why can't she just put those dogs up; can't she make them stop barking. IT WASN'T PRETTY.
On the 4 hr. trip to Indy., I listened to my Way of the Mastery tapes and it expresses from the get go how on a Spiritual Plane "Everything is neutral and our thoughts are what gives it meaning." I observed everything that was going on and watched as everyone's thoughts (including my own) gave this situation meaning. I didn't take sides, I pretty much kept my mouth shut and watched as adults became little children; just like I have millions of times.
NOT taking sides, staying at my sister's when the rest of my family left felt very awkward for me. It felt very awkward NOT to blame either one of them. It felt very awkward to stay "neutral" and not be in the middle of it all. This is a foreign place for me to be as I have pretty much always got caught up in the drama. Zoomed in as Lisa would say. I watched as I observed my b-I-l antagonize, my baby sister become angry and my SA sister and b-I-l blame my baby sister for "putting her dogs first."
One thing I did that I am struggling with and working on turning it over to the Universe is: Fr. night (the day my sister's family left) about 10:00 p.m. (I was asleep on the couch) my sister woke me by saying "your sister is texting you." She hand me the phone and I read it out loud. I don't know why I did, but I did. The text said "made it to St. Louis, tired of being in the Van but can now have some peace and quiet." OUCH! I have found out my baby sister wrote her a text and told her "she was glad she was having peace and quiet and as we know, it is all about her!" I feel terrible for reading that out loud. My sister copied me that text and sent it to me. I didn't get it; later my baby sister told me she sent it and she must have copied and sent to me. I am struggling with calling my SA sister as she probably thinks (yes, I am assuming) I read that message to my sister on purpose and am taking sides against her.
I am sitting on this and praying that I be shown what to do. I did text her Sat. night and told her all of this was very awkward for me and that I love her and have a good day tomorrow. She said "thanks, she will." I haven't been shown what to do yet. I DO NOT want to talk about my baby sister to her but I will listen without judgment if she talks to me about her.
I know in my heart of hearts this is happening for me and not to me. I know there is something bigger going on her. I know I have changed and cannot react like I used to. I know this is old behaviour from my Mom "if I am mad at you, I will side with the other one." I know this is the habit/thoughts I am breaking. I know this is uncomfortable and awkward because it is new. I know I have to let this play out between my sister's and NOT get in there and try to fix anything.
Way of Mastery talks about four things: Intention, Desire, Allowance and Surrender. My Intention is to remember we are all one and we are Spiritual Beings, my desire is to remember to come from this place and not my Ego/Pride/Roommate, etc., I allow what is going on as it is here to teach me, and I surrender this because of myself I know nothing (esp. why) but the Creator of ALL know what I must do.
Sooooo....I will continue to do my work the best I know how right now and ask that the Kingdom of Heaven be shown to me.
One thing Spirit did say in my quiet time was "remember when you were a cheerleader and you had the cheer "lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight." I said "yes" it then said "don't do that." Stay neutral. I was pretty shocked. Who would even think of something like this other than Spirit.
And the beat goes on!
xo
My baby sister in Indianapolis has no children and her dogs are her children; this has always been an issue for the rest of the family as she puts her dogs first and there is no if's and's or but's about it. We all know this. My niece called my baby sister two days before the trip and asked if she minded if she stayed at her house with her 9 mo. old baby and my baby sister (so she said) said "yes, but the dogs don't like kids and her youngest dog might bite." My niece, said "that's no problem" and my sister (her Mom) said "it will be ok." WELL.... it wasn't ok. The baby was very good. but the dogs barked and barked and barked. My sister took them to the bedroom several times, but they would continue to bark. Sometimes they calmed down, but not too much. It was pretty loud. One time my brother-in-law was lifting the baby above his head (you know, up and down and up and down) the dogs went nuts and my sister said "Herb don't do that, that's making the dogs worse" and he continued to do it. Nothing was said, but the tension was high.
Anyway, the next day, my baby sister and I had pedicures at 10:00 and my SA family had forgotten their shoes, so they were going to Kohl's to buy some. When we all returned around 12:30, my brother-in-law announced "it was all to much and they thought it best they head to St. Louis. I don't want anyone to be mad, but this isn't working." A lot in between...but my sister went to her bedroom, didn't say goodbye; my sister from SA and I are crying as we say goodbye; my niece is saying it's all her fault; my b-I-l is saying "why can't she just put those dogs up; can't she make them stop barking. IT WASN'T PRETTY.
On the 4 hr. trip to Indy., I listened to my Way of the Mastery tapes and it expresses from the get go how on a Spiritual Plane "Everything is neutral and our thoughts are what gives it meaning." I observed everything that was going on and watched as everyone's thoughts (including my own) gave this situation meaning. I didn't take sides, I pretty much kept my mouth shut and watched as adults became little children; just like I have millions of times.
NOT taking sides, staying at my sister's when the rest of my family left felt very awkward for me. It felt very awkward NOT to blame either one of them. It felt very awkward to stay "neutral" and not be in the middle of it all. This is a foreign place for me to be as I have pretty much always got caught up in the drama. Zoomed in as Lisa would say. I watched as I observed my b-I-l antagonize, my baby sister become angry and my SA sister and b-I-l blame my baby sister for "putting her dogs first."
One thing I did that I am struggling with and working on turning it over to the Universe is: Fr. night (the day my sister's family left) about 10:00 p.m. (I was asleep on the couch) my sister woke me by saying "your sister is texting you." She hand me the phone and I read it out loud. I don't know why I did, but I did. The text said "made it to St. Louis, tired of being in the Van but can now have some peace and quiet." OUCH! I have found out my baby sister wrote her a text and told her "she was glad she was having peace and quiet and as we know, it is all about her!" I feel terrible for reading that out loud. My sister copied me that text and sent it to me. I didn't get it; later my baby sister told me she sent it and she must have copied and sent to me. I am struggling with calling my SA sister as she probably thinks (yes, I am assuming) I read that message to my sister on purpose and am taking sides against her.
I am sitting on this and praying that I be shown what to do. I did text her Sat. night and told her all of this was very awkward for me and that I love her and have a good day tomorrow. She said "thanks, she will." I haven't been shown what to do yet. I DO NOT want to talk about my baby sister to her but I will listen without judgment if she talks to me about her.
I know in my heart of hearts this is happening for me and not to me. I know there is something bigger going on her. I know I have changed and cannot react like I used to. I know this is old behaviour from my Mom "if I am mad at you, I will side with the other one." I know this is the habit/thoughts I am breaking. I know this is uncomfortable and awkward because it is new. I know I have to let this play out between my sister's and NOT get in there and try to fix anything.
Way of Mastery talks about four things: Intention, Desire, Allowance and Surrender. My Intention is to remember we are all one and we are Spiritual Beings, my desire is to remember to come from this place and not my Ego/Pride/Roommate, etc., I allow what is going on as it is here to teach me, and I surrender this because of myself I know nothing (esp. why) but the Creator of ALL know what I must do.
Sooooo....I will continue to do my work the best I know how right now and ask that the Kingdom of Heaven be shown to me.
One thing Spirit did say in my quiet time was "remember when you were a cheerleader and you had the cheer "lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight." I said "yes" it then said "don't do that." Stay neutral. I was pretty shocked. Who would even think of something like this other than Spirit.
And the beat goes on!
xo
Replies
I think it\'s this simple:the dogs and baby didn\'t mix well. The drama comes.from everyone wanting to control the situation as they want. I like the idea of zooming out (as Lisa says) and leaving all the drama behind.
I\'ve been working on what my truth is and how it might not be the same as what other people believe about me.
I wonder if it would help you to apply that to this situation? I think you simply got dragged into the drama. Your truth is: you\'re taking no sides.
I have total faith that the universe was giving you an opportunity here!
Sending you big hugs xxx
Thanks Rosie! I don\'t feel I got dragged into the drama; I pretty much watched it unfold. People hold truth\'s about us (and that if their stuff)...my sister\'s want to take sides and I will not do that anymore. YES, it was all about control. I had a good therapist tell me one time \"everything is about control; from the smallest to the biggest.\" Like I said, the only regret I have is reading that text out loud. My son just said \"so you did it; there was no malice involved. Don\'t beat yourself up about it.\" He is right. Thirty-five years learning to zoom out; still catch myself wanting to zoom in. This time I didn\'t. I\'m a little slow on incorporating things in my life; or...had/have a lot of letting go to do. Lots of fear. Several years ago, I would have been in that whole mess. Getting as I like to say \"gooder and gooder\" at it! xo Awww, the gifts family gives us.
Is the Zooming-in about being triggered to calm your Roommate\'s self? I feel it is for me. It\'s a defense against feeling an old pain, but what\'s the defense? Which one? What is it protecting?
I DID NOT zoom in! When I do zoom in or want to, it\'s about being in that old place that at one time was comfortable; it\'s no longer comfortable. It all takes time for me and when I do zoom in, I no longer judge myself for it. It takes a lot of practice/time/dedication to become aware of what I am doing. How about you Rich? Do you zoom in or out? If you zoom in is it a defense against feeling an old pain, but what\'s the defense? Which one? What is it protecting? Or....do you always zoom out? I am a work in progress and I turn within to ask the questions you ask me as I usually come from a place of my woundedness..Spirit gives me much better answers. .I am better off to stop, turn within and listen to the answers.
I\'m trying to do that too Vicki. Inwards is a very spiritual place for me but it really does take practise...I haven\'t mastered it yet. I have deep wounds that surprise me at times. I think you did a good job at this family gathering..you were brave just to be there. The issue of \'control\' is fascinating...yes, it\'s everywhere!!!
Yes, I realized I was talking to myself with try those questions. My trigger to Zoom in is so quick I don\'t catch it as quickly as you and Lisa yet, and Rosie is working on it too. \"Finding the Witness\" awareness, as I would call it, is a skill I\'m only occasionally able to do. Once I\'m hooked emotionally, which I assume means to Zoom-in emotionally & defensively, I\'m all in. I guess I need to increase my awareness, and be the witness as often as possible. A good time for me is when I catch myself daydreaming; that is a signal that I am escaping reality for a moment, i. e., not present. When I am observing other people I feel more detached, zoomed-out; when someone jerks me back to reality, or asks me a question, I feel guilty; for not paying attention for being in a passive role rather than actively involved in the drama personally. Maybe it\'s from my school experiences, IDK yet. I will practice acknowledging those feelings, maybe when I meditate.
I was asking for information about how it is when you DO zoom in. I don\'t like being swept away by those knee-jerk defenses. I feel I have too many, even when I make comments here on DS. Maybe it\'s that turning-within I don\'t trust, since my authentic feelings were challenged by my mom for correctness, according to her personality & standards and coping needs? Like, I can\'t trust myself\'s feelings since they\'re often wrong according to others. But there isn\'t a standard for everyone, is there. I need to get that, so I can trust MY feelings and not defend them. They are what they are.
As Rosie said, I feel you did really good last weekend too. Thanks you sharing.
XO
Thanks for sharing...
I believe the destination we are seeking is the same; internal peace. And there are many roads to that place. I happen to believe there is in us a place that does not judge, that does not criticize, that is pure acceptance, pure unconditional LOVE. And, were either going to turn to this place or were not. I have learned over these past 35 yrs. when I am able to zoom out, so to speak, I do not judge, I do not criticize, I accept and I love unconditionally. THAT does not happen all the time; matter of fact, it has just begun happening over the past few years. As I continue to meditate, as I continue to believe this place is REAL, as I continue to believe this is where we heal, I work at coming from this place more and more. I take everything I feel to this place in my morning meditation to release it (it is not judged) and I ask to see it differently or be guided by this Divine Presence; not mine as mine come from my Ego/Roommate or my woundedness. When I zoom in, I judge, I criticize, I want to fix, I want people\'s undersanding and want to be understood, I EXPECT and actually I want to control. This all comes from a wounded place in me. Now, if there are people who are willing to share and communicate without judgment, I am more than willing to do that and listen. But, I must always own my own stuff. I\'ve zoomed in a million times wanting people to hear me, listen to me, blamed others, etc. Being able to sit back and observe/watch is tough for me..being co-dependent, I wanted to jump in there with my family and make them understand how we are all coming from a place of woundedness and want to control. BUT...I did not. I am proud of that. How egotistical of me to think I could fix the situation...or that the situation needed fixing. Or...think I had the answers! I don\'t have any answers for anyone. That\'s not my job. My job is to learn to love and accept myself and then I can learn to love and accept others. Food for thought: When I turn within and release all my feelings (and some of them have been horrific) I have NEVER felt judged; only LOVED. This place I seek is my safety place. I have never felt safer than when I connect with this place that does not condemn or judge. I find this freedom in nature also. When you spoke of all the wildlife in your yard, I would find a piece of Heaven in all of that! I love Field of Dreams when he the voice says \"build it and they will come.\" I am building my foundation of faith and my joy/peace is coming.. I don\'t know if the zooming in will ever end, but if not, at least I am aware when I do it now and am releasing it without judgment and as Lisa knows from ACIM, asking to see it differently. This is all just for me and how I am building it (my consciousness) not necessarily for everyone. xo
I know what you mean about wanting to zoom in because it\'s the comfortable thing to do. Old thought patterns are so well worn and so comfortable we don\'t even realize they are happening. The best I am able to do at this point is think, talk and journal about it after the fact because certain triggers do still put me on auto-zoom. It sounds like you saw yourself wanting to zoom in and you hovered in the background and watched the thoughts and emotions unfold. If you\'re like me, allowing space for those thoughts and emotions... Just watching them... It\'s a process that makes me reflect and take some deep breaths and maybe feel a little sad or tired sometimes... Even though I have been able to zoom out. That seems to make sense to me at least. Your journal is a great place to get outside your own head and my impression is that\'s what you\'re doing here. Just like the meditation, it helps me zoom out when I see the words I have written...
That was a long a wordy way of me just trying to say \"I get it...\" Keep zooming out!