As I sat in prayer/quiet/meditation this a.m. at my baby sister's (and believe me I needed to there) the words came "Help me find the Kingdom of Heaven" in this situation. And...what came to me was my baby sister's woundedness; her rejection by Mom (HORRIBLE), her abuse of herself (never good enough; too this, too that, etc.) her self-hatred, her physical abuse by our brother when young (he was an addict), and I question her addiction to pain pills, valium/zanax (sp) etc.
We almost had a fight as night as she said her husband was staying home from work this morning (he does the sound system on Sunday's at a Methodist Church; has been with her day and night since Monday. It triggered me because she asked me to come for that very reason...to help because Andy couldn't be there/here all the time. We were able to discuss this a little bit last night. I told her I felt 'useless' and shared she asked me to come to help. (My issues) She informed me I was being helpful just being there. My inner child certainly came out; felt rejection....AGAIN!
And truly, that is not really the reason. What has been so irritating to me is she talks to me thru Andy (her husband) or her dogs. i.e. Tell 'her', let 'her', have 'her'....or when I ask her something or say something (this has always been an issue) she will not answer and then a few minutes she will bring up the question you asked several minutes ago. Yesterday in the hospital (just making conversation in general) I said "look at the jewelry I have been making and was had the camera close to her face" she turned to Andy and started talking to him. I notice Andy will ask me about what I was saying when not answered by her. Never did ask me about my jewelry. This is not because she is in the hospital and delirious; this has always been with her and I think exaggerated when she is in fear. Her husband is her safe place and I understand that. But this reason was why I had doubts coming! Yet at the same time, it is exactly WHY I AM HERE. This needed to be healed for me.
Anyway, I am feeling much better right now! As with my other sister, the healing took place when IT CAMETO MY AWARENESS and I got a glimpse of her frightened little girl/woundedness; just like mine had been and acted out at times. We all play it out differently.
I saw a wounded, frightened, scared, little girl this morning who had been rejected, abused and above all I don't think she was ever heard; matter if fact I KNOW she wasn't. I get that as I used to be the same way and still am at times. I am ok today with her talking through her husband and the dogs because something shifted this morning in this wonderful quiet. Things will be different today, because my heart feels different.
I carried this little one home from the hospital and I will continue to be there for her despite what's going on in the outer. I'm sure she is triggered by me at times, because I look at awful lot like my Mom (her abuser) I will simply keep loving her; it's up to her to accept or reject.
Have a blessed Sunday everyone!
xo
We almost had a fight as night as she said her husband was staying home from work this morning (he does the sound system on Sunday's at a Methodist Church; has been with her day and night since Monday. It triggered me because she asked me to come for that very reason...to help because Andy couldn't be there/here all the time. We were able to discuss this a little bit last night. I told her I felt 'useless' and shared she asked me to come to help. (My issues) She informed me I was being helpful just being there. My inner child certainly came out; felt rejection....AGAIN!
And truly, that is not really the reason. What has been so irritating to me is she talks to me thru Andy (her husband) or her dogs. i.e. Tell 'her', let 'her', have 'her'....or when I ask her something or say something (this has always been an issue) she will not answer and then a few minutes she will bring up the question you asked several minutes ago. Yesterday in the hospital (just making conversation in general) I said "look at the jewelry I have been making and was had the camera close to her face" she turned to Andy and started talking to him. I notice Andy will ask me about what I was saying when not answered by her. Never did ask me about my jewelry. This is not because she is in the hospital and delirious; this has always been with her and I think exaggerated when she is in fear. Her husband is her safe place and I understand that. But this reason was why I had doubts coming! Yet at the same time, it is exactly WHY I AM HERE. This needed to be healed for me.
Anyway, I am feeling much better right now! As with my other sister, the healing took place when IT CAMETO MY AWARENESS and I got a glimpse of her frightened little girl/woundedness; just like mine had been and acted out at times. We all play it out differently.
I saw a wounded, frightened, scared, little girl this morning who had been rejected, abused and above all I don't think she was ever heard; matter if fact I KNOW she wasn't. I get that as I used to be the same way and still am at times. I am ok today with her talking through her husband and the dogs because something shifted this morning in this wonderful quiet. Things will be different today, because my heart feels different.
I carried this little one home from the hospital and I will continue to be there for her despite what's going on in the outer. I'm sure she is triggered by me at times, because I look at awful lot like my Mom (her abuser) I will simply keep loving her; it's up to her to accept or reject.
Have a blessed Sunday everyone!
xo
Replies
This is very \"sweet\", to me. Only a sister like you could \"feel\" and \"understand\" her traumatic emotions, and \"be there\" with her, as she tries again to heal the same path you shared with her through similar experiences. Loving her, now, has to be therapeutic for her, on an emotional level. You, at least, \"know\" how your experiences affected you, and YOU were her Secure Base as she went through her traumatic childhood. All this healing must be going on at a spiritual level, and at a level that is not overtly visible, and the change may not be \"visible\" for sometime, if ever. Core changes seem to be evolutional, not immediate. She evidently communicates through he\'d husband since he us probably her closest confidant for voicing her feelings. I suspect she \"lost her voice about her \"feelings\" because of her chronic trauma. She probably knows your struggles too, with RA, and projects her sympathies toward you too. My guess is that her communication behaviors you describe are based on the \"unspeakable horrors\" she experiences she endured, like you did.
I hope that your being there helps her, and that she can forgive you for not rescuing her from the horrors she endured, and that you can forgive her, and yourself, for her mistaken belief that you ever had any \"magical powers\" to DO anything then, or even now, to make any different than it was.
Otherwise, Happy Sunday & Blessings. (if I am wrong in my interpretation of any of this, forgive me too.
Rich
Made me cry in a good way! Thank-you! I feel walls are coming down, but as with me, Trust is a BIG issue for her! xo
She did mention she feels bad and is concerned with me being here because of my RA. I tried to reassure her I am fine; but I don\'t know if she bought it. I really am fine with my RA; I know what I can and cannot do.
Thanks again Rich. xo
good stuff,much needed for me today to hear that there is healing.
I take solace in your words.
Thank you for them with use.
Be strong, Be blessed, be @ peace.
Eric
Wishing you both healing.....wounds are deep but the light is greater xxxx big hugs
Wishing continued healing from surgery for sister and healing to both of you and your relationship.
There\'s so many layers to these things. And each person responds and deals differently. It all takes time.
It\'s good that you have the courage to be there and do this.
She certainly does seem afraid. She and her husband are probably not tuned in to how their communication and behavior is placing an obstacle to your relationship.
I think just being there is a tremendous value. I had nobody come visit and help care for me after surgery. Your kind gesture is just priceless in my opinion.
Another thought, is your sister intimidated by you? You\'re an incredibly strong woman Vicki. You are aware of your own vulnerabilities and you\'ve expressed them to us here... but I wonder if others around you see it?
And does she have guilt? For you being there for her in her time of need and perhaps she wasn\'t there a time you needed her?
Just thoughts I had after reading this.
I really have no idea how she feels...I can connect with her darkness as I have been there. When I asked her if she was scared, she cried and e\'thing changed from that day on....And I think your right, my just being her is enough. xo
It\'s about being heard, for changed, not being fixed, as though something is wrong. As CO\'s we\'ve been taught, and led to believe, there is something wrong with us since childhood, and I\'ve spent my life trying to \"fix\" what was never wrong, meaning \"me\": My inner-child.
OR changed, not \"for changed\"!