Thinking...
Sitting here in class, unable to concentrate on the stupid things we're discussing. I reread old journals I've written and I hate thinking about the feelings I thought I was over.
Things are so messed up right now. Our family vehicle broke down and is costing more than $600 to fix! My parents are trying to say it'll be fine, but I can tell they are extremely worried and stressed. My younger brother is so disrespectful and is refusing to see how good he has it. He rarely gets asked to do anything. He's allowed to use vile language with no fear of repercussion. He constantly tells my mother to "fuck off" and "fuck you" and refuses to admit he's being an ass hole. He hasn't gone to school is three days even though he just had two weeks off for holidays. I'm sick of listening to him say how much he hates his life and how no one likes me and treats him like shit, when in reality, he's the one that everyone tries hard to make feel better about everything. My younger sister has become more and more addicted to marijuana and it's making it so much harder to quit. I was doing so well the last month, and now i haven't been able to go more than one or two days without smoking any..
In truth, I don't feel like I have any real reason to feel the way I do. I feel like I'm stuck in a strange limbo.. One minute I can be just fine.. Then for no reason at all I feel depressed and over stressed and just exhausted. I resisted cutting last night by going and smoking up with my sister, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to replace one urge with another. I don't want to smoke anymore. I wanted to quit and go a whole year without any, but I failed miserably the first day of New Years. I don't understand why this is happening! :(
Things are so messed up right now. Our family vehicle broke down and is costing more than $600 to fix! My parents are trying to say it'll be fine, but I can tell they are extremely worried and stressed. My younger brother is so disrespectful and is refusing to see how good he has it. He rarely gets asked to do anything. He's allowed to use vile language with no fear of repercussion. He constantly tells my mother to "fuck off" and "fuck you" and refuses to admit he's being an ass hole. He hasn't gone to school is three days even though he just had two weeks off for holidays. I'm sick of listening to him say how much he hates his life and how no one likes me and treats him like shit, when in reality, he's the one that everyone tries hard to make feel better about everything. My younger sister has become more and more addicted to marijuana and it's making it so much harder to quit. I was doing so well the last month, and now i haven't been able to go more than one or two days without smoking any..
In truth, I don't feel like I have any real reason to feel the way I do. I feel like I'm stuck in a strange limbo.. One minute I can be just fine.. Then for no reason at all I feel depressed and over stressed and just exhausted. I resisted cutting last night by going and smoking up with my sister, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to replace one urge with another. I don't want to smoke anymore. I wanted to quit and go a whole year without any, but I failed miserably the first day of New Years. I don't understand why this is happening! :(
Replies
My therapist has a saying, that we shouldn\'t \"should\" on ourselves, or tell ourselves what we should or shouldn\'t be feeling. The reality of it is you feel this way. No amount of reasons to or not to changes that you do. And sometimes when the chemicals in the brain are off it can make you feel bad for no reason. But that isn\'t a fault in personality or character, it is just being human.
It sounds like things are rough for you right now. Financial stress is a big deal and when you live in an environment that has a lot of stressed people it adds to your stress. While I don\'t honestly believe anyone needs to have justification for their feelings, it sounds like there is plenty there to justify feeling bad right now.