feeling low
I never thought I would have to fight anxiety or panic attacks. I never thought I would feel so very overwhelmed inside by a conition that I try to stay on top of...but here I am tonight feeling as though i'm slowly imploding inside.
Everyday I relive my son's entry into this world and how his troubles could have been avoided if only IF ONLY the nurse would've believed me when I said I was in labor. I think of all the dreams I had for my son, all the places I would've taken him to, all the things that we would've done together...things that now seem so far from reach...
When I was pregnant I pictured us walking hand in hand down town Christmas shopping, I thought of how much trouble I would've had to get him to come inside from playing so that he could eat his dinner...Pictures that may never come to be in the sense they were originally pictured.
I watch my friends become pregnant one after the other, I smile, I bring gifts, i'm even Godmother to some, but inside i'm crying - they'll never know- why couldn't MY son be normal too???!
I watch my son who is so cognitively alert, yet trapped in a body that he just can't make do what he wants it to do...I watch his effort in trying to say 'bye bye' and he can only manage 'buh buh', or I watch him realise that he can't physically get out of bed, so every morning he says 'Uck!' which is his attempt to say 'up', and I run from what ever i'm doing to heed to his small yet powerful command..
and it hurts...it hurts so bad, to see that the son i carried for 9 months was then subjected to a life thrust upon him, one in which he will have to work twice as hard as the 'average joe' to accomplish things that come so easily and sometimes taken for granted by many.
He's my pride and joy and I try not to hate myself everyday for not screaming at the nurses harder or screaming for my doctor. I feel to blame for his now long journey in life, and whereas feeling guilty accomplishes nothing, it is how i feel and 10,000 therapists cannot take my guilt away.
But i will make sure that he knows the meaning of true happiness for as long as i am spiritually, physically and mentally able. I cannot protect him forever, so I must prepare him to protect himself and this can only be done in a nuturing environment. Whatever needs to be done I will aspire to do it, because at the end of the day, my son must be given the best possible life I can manage. He deserves so much more, but my best is all I have and God's willing my best will be good enough to make him the best that he can be....
Everyday I relive my son's entry into this world and how his troubles could have been avoided if only IF ONLY the nurse would've believed me when I said I was in labor. I think of all the dreams I had for my son, all the places I would've taken him to, all the things that we would've done together...things that now seem so far from reach...
When I was pregnant I pictured us walking hand in hand down town Christmas shopping, I thought of how much trouble I would've had to get him to come inside from playing so that he could eat his dinner...Pictures that may never come to be in the sense they were originally pictured.
I watch my friends become pregnant one after the other, I smile, I bring gifts, i'm even Godmother to some, but inside i'm crying - they'll never know- why couldn't MY son be normal too???!
I watch my son who is so cognitively alert, yet trapped in a body that he just can't make do what he wants it to do...I watch his effort in trying to say 'bye bye' and he can only manage 'buh buh', or I watch him realise that he can't physically get out of bed, so every morning he says 'Uck!' which is his attempt to say 'up', and I run from what ever i'm doing to heed to his small yet powerful command..
and it hurts...it hurts so bad, to see that the son i carried for 9 months was then subjected to a life thrust upon him, one in which he will have to work twice as hard as the 'average joe' to accomplish things that come so easily and sometimes taken for granted by many.
He's my pride and joy and I try not to hate myself everyday for not screaming at the nurses harder or screaming for my doctor. I feel to blame for his now long journey in life, and whereas feeling guilty accomplishes nothing, it is how i feel and 10,000 therapists cannot take my guilt away.
But i will make sure that he knows the meaning of true happiness for as long as i am spiritually, physically and mentally able. I cannot protect him forever, so I must prepare him to protect himself and this can only be done in a nuturing environment. Whatever needs to be done I will aspire to do it, because at the end of the day, my son must be given the best possible life I can manage. He deserves so much more, but my best is all I have and God's willing my best will be good enough to make him the best that he can be....
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