I have just gone out and bought the pills. Everyday i feel like crap and I cant help these feeling people can call me weak or whatever but i have tried so so hard if you see all the books i have in my room about overcoming this sort of thing u will see how hard i tried. I just want to be at peace, everyday here is like hell to me, people like my friends Mother and girl friend have made this place alot easier for me but I just feel like i want to rest. I feel so insecure it is unreal the anger i feel is overwhelming, i have treated people so badly like my mother my brother and my girl friend I felt like i couldnt help it. I dont want anyone to feel bad for me, cause i am better off dead, i was such a bad person.  Mum I just want to say im so so sorry to you, my illness got the better of me and i wasnt myself, you done your best for us i know that! I love you so much you were a great mum to me I have let u down so badly. I should be stronger I know, im a let down of a son. I will aways love you x  Louis and Anthony I wasnt much of a brother  I know i can make excuses but just know that im sorry. To all my good friends you helped me alot there was nothing you could have done im too ill and messed up Ive been trying hard for years and things just get worse and bleaker. Risia what im going to do has nothing to do with you babe, im just really ill, I havent been the best boyfriend to you but i tried Im really sorry. x  I hope my team Run ham raggid still do well and hope they one day win the premiership! If you see anybody thats down in the future try your best to help them as soon as possible, this illness is horrible horrible horrible, I feel like im in hell people say that im doing it to myself but if say dont think of an elephant u automatically do which means u dont control your thoughts.I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy to wake up and feel like you have no motivation or energy and feel like killing urself alot is no fun.  I will miss everybody so much x