It is 8pm on my bday. Wife has still not worked at trying to make me feel good. Instead? She ran a half marathon. Good for her, sure. Just kinda sucks that its the only thing I've heard about for the last three months n it's the only thing anybody else cares about. Fuck all of you. I don't need you to care and I don't need to be. Chase after your wind. Let me be. Oh and stop telling me I matter to you. Just let me be and spare me your obvious lies that I called out a very long time ago. Well done.
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8:20pm... I wish I had someone who thought I was worth paying attention too.
I\'m usually not a fan of making a bday a special day. I don\'t understand why any one day should mean more than another regardless. If someone loves you, you should know it all days, not just one. Yet, I\'m having a difficult time while looking at all of the days that someone has opportunity to work at me. On my bday? Wtf. This is supposedly someone who holds bday a as special dayl... Yet it meant more to her and everyone who knows us made sure she felt good on her special day... Fuck yourself world. I hate you bc you first gated me. I don\'t need to be around your fucking vain. Let me die in my modesty. Let others take for themselves. Let them have all their hearts wish.
Let the world have all it wants. I don\'t want to be here. I so hope there is more for me when I am gone from this. If not? Eh, at least I am not dealing with this stupid anxiety.
Sit. Ignore. Call it patience. Call it effort. You see the damage in front of you. You see the corrosion. You see that things are more difficult. And you refuse to see your involvement. You are the opposite of wisdom. You nurture doubt. You do the works of he we dare not mention, for how terrible would that be when you think you are such a caring person. You are no better than your grandmother. The one who thinks and pretends she is a good person and her actions are to show she thinks she is. But the fruit of her \'labor\' is where the truth is. What has the fruit of your labor shown?? How can you answer this? Good? Cause you are such a good person? Working towards others growth?????????? Working towards others? Please... Disguise it all you want. Fruit of your labor is fruit of your labor.
She wants what she is pushing me towards. I don\'t want to live anymore. When I say this she expresses distraught, yet somehow she works towards me wanting this even more. It is a game. And I\'m not sure that I care. Play your fucking game. Consider yourself the winner when I lose and do exactly what you work for. I don\'t care. I didn\'t want to play this game.
Let me die tonight. Lest I hear another lie from the mouth of the one who is supposed to build me up. Just let me die. It is what I ache and ask for.