Wednesday
I'm feeling a bit panicky this morning. I think this is all due to waiting for the scan results, though before he had it I'd convinced myself that it really made no difference at this stage, and we couldn't hope for any good results yet anyway. All linked back to the fact that last time he had a scan, it was just a week before we got the very worst news we could ever have expected to hear. From thinking he had a hernia, or something muscular, we moved swiftly to a terminal diagnosis. Though, most of the time, I don't think I accept that diagnosis, and I hope that's not naive....is it? There are so many levels to work on apart from the purely physical/medical, and so many other avenues to explore. It's really difficult to know whether to live as if each chance is the last, or still to allow ourselves to make plans, and think about the longterm future. (Not helped by the consultant's pronouncement at diagnosis - you'll see this Christmas, but you probably won't be around for the next one) So in my head I keep thinking - will this be the last time we can watch the leaves turning together? etc etc. But I know that it could be the last time for any of us...I suppose it's just not at the forefront of our minds like that. D does talk as if he's going to get better, which is wonderful, and at the moment, he really does seem to have improved a lot. We saw my mum last week, and she thought he actually looked better than she'd ever seen him! Much more relaxed, somehow. He's in much less pain, and has put on some weight, and has a much better colour. And I can't stop myself trying to convince him of it - "you're so much better than ..." "remember when you needed..." all the time. But then at the same time I've got a deep dark fear that this is just a little rally before he gets much worse. (Of course I don't say any of this to him) Ugh. So many things going round in my head.....
Replies
Good morning Meriel,
i just read your journal and all these feelings i have felt before too, so your not alone... Last Christmas i wondered the same thing and i made Christmas last year so special, Tim had his surgery Nov.17th so Thanksgiving was hard for him recouperating... Even living with the d/x since last Aug, the holidays are very hard to go thru, feeling the way you do.... But you need to look at how D looks and feels today, especially his attitude, the treatments are helping and thats exactly what happened to Tim... Last Dec, Tim decided he didn\'t want to start treatment till Jan, he wanted the month of Dec off even tho the oncologist was totally against this, he talked to Tim and he respected his decision... I was scared thinking that his lungs would metastisize in that month, or the cancer would start elsewhere but those were my insecurities, he did fine, he had a great Dec and a wonderful Christmas and a even special New Years, he started his treatment Jan 11th and he was ready then.... He is doing great and thats over 10 months ago and it\'s his treatment thats doing this for him... Just try and remember take troday and live it to the best you both can, enjoy your time togeather, and try not to look into the future, it\'s hard i know, but just really look at D, how he\'s put on weight and he\'s doing so well, plus his attitude, thats whats getting him thru this, haveing such a positive attitude works with all sickness\'s, and diseases... You have a right to worry and think of the things you are thinking, but the way i look at it, i see Tim everyday, he looks great, has an appetite of a horse, and feels really good so much better than he felt before treatment, to me Torisel is a wonder drug for Tim and i an so grateful i researched it and picked that for him, i love him and i wanted him to have the best treatment that would help him....
Don\'t beat yourself up, the scan results are right around the cornor and each and every wife, fiance goes thru this terror, it\'s natual, I\'m already worrying and Tim\'s are 4 weeks away....I think if you really look at & watch D, you\'ll see how well he is doing, he\'s a fighter as Tim is too and i am strong to stand beside him because i see the positive everyday... Merial, you are doing ok and getting all this out in your journal is so healthy, so others like myself can see how you are doing, no one knows what the future holds for any of us, but we are all in this togeather to support one another, and i will always be here for you, take today and enjoy, put that beautiful smile on your face and show D, the newer way you will look at your precious life with him, it\'s so worth it, i can\'t push that enough, everyday is a great day and a special gift for everyone, even the ones who are not dealing with cancer... I wish more people could feel the way i do, especially the ones who just take advantage of love & life, i look at us as the fortunate to have found, the loves of our lives, most people will never find that, we are the lucky ones, altho we have been stricken with this disease in our lives, i have a great feeling D will be around for quite some time as i know Tim will be too, i think you will realize this the stronger he gets, but there will be lousy days too, Tim gets those days when he\'s not feeling up to par, just go with the flow and you\'ll see....
I hope this helps you, and just remwmber i am just an email way....
Love,
Becca
Love,
Becca
Hello Dear Meriel,
I\'m so proud of you for expressing all your emotions and feelings in the journal! It\'s such a healthy way of coping, and also makes your DS friends aware of what you\'re dealing with.
I, too, can totally relate to everything you are experiencing. I often wish that I was the one with the cancer, and not my precious husband. There is no way to know why certain things happen in life....only to accept them and trust the Lord and His plan.
As for as planning for the future....I don\'t let myself go there. None of us knows when God will call us home. I often tell my husband that it very well could be me first. Of course, I pray daily that we\'ll have many more years together.
Sweet Becca is such a wonderful person. She has more experience with this \"life with cancer\" than I...so is an inspiration to all of us. There are so many new treatments available....NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!
The best way I cope is to only focus on TODAY, and try to make something special of it. You are a strong lady, and D is very blessed to have you by his side. Love, Laugh, and Live!!
God bless you!
Ingrid
Thank thank you you two, for taking the time to write, and to share your thoughts so wisely and kindly.
Becca - I read your journal first, and if you see this - well, just look at what you said up here - \"I have a great feeling D will be around for some time, as I know Tim will be too\" You know it!! I\'m just thinking of you just now, so will stop here, and update later.
much love