Wednesday

I'm feeling a bit panicky this morning. I think this is all due to waiting for the scan results, though before he had it I'd convinced myself that it really made no difference at this stage, and we couldn't hope for any good results yet anyway. All linked back to the fact that last time he had a scan, it was just a week before we got the very worst news we could ever have expected to hear. From thinking he had a hernia, or something muscular, we moved swiftly to a terminal diagnosis. Though,  most of the time, I don't think I accept that diagnosis,  and I hope that's not naive....is it? There are so many levels to work on apart from the purely physical/medical, and so many other avenues to explore.  It's really difficult to know whether to live as if each chance is the last, or still to allow ourselves to make plans, and think about the longterm future. (Not helped by the consultant's pronouncement at diagnosis  - you'll see this Christmas, but you probably won't be around for the next one) So in my head I keep thinking - will this be the last time we can watch the leaves turning together? etc etc. But I know that it could be the last time for any of us...I suppose it's just not at the forefront of our minds like that. D does talk as if he's going to get better, which is wonderful, and at the moment, he really does seem to have improved a lot. We saw my mum last week, and she thought he actually looked better than she'd ever seen him! Much more relaxed, somehow. He's in much less pain, and has put on some weight, and has a much better colour. And I can't stop myself trying to convince him of it  - "you're so much better than ..." "remember when you needed..." all the time. But then at the same time I've got a deep dark fear that this is just a little rally before he gets much worse. (Of course I don't say any of this to him) Ugh. So many things going round in my head.....