10 months, an update
I wrote this as a response to a discussion. I think it's a good journal entry too.
My wife of 25 years died last July. I guess I don't count weeks/months anymore, except I counted them on my fingers just now.I'm trying to plan the traditional Jewish unveiling of the grave marker on the one year anniversary. I was out of work for a couple of months (normal for self-employed consultants) so I need to build up some funds. When I purchased her grave, from plots owned by my synagogue, I bought one for myself at the same time next to her. I'll probably put up a double stone, a modest wedge, not because of economy, because that's "right" for me. Our souls were so deeply inter-twined in life. It occurred to me that I am still young, 56, and Ihopeto find another meaningful relationship in my life. That might make things more complicated. I'll figure it out as I go.The first week I observed the Jewish tradition of "sitting shiva." I sat on a low chair, covered my mirrors, turned off the tv, and let the thoughts & feelings flow. I took the week off from work. People are supposed to make short visits & bring food. Nobody came, but our daughter & friends called me often. That was OK. I was not really close with any members of my synagogue then, but we have been building closer friendships since then. If I asked at services for visitors, I'm sure they would have come.The first 2 months? A blur. I cried every day, multiple times a day. Our daughter observed that she had seen me cry only a handful of times in her life. It was a relief to have work to do; I am a web site coder, and that work is very demanding, it distracted me for a few hours a day.Perhaps a month or so ago, I felt myself leaving the raw grief period. Now I feel deep, deep sadness. I still cry sometimes, not as much.On Mothers Day our daughter, a runner, ran to the cemetery with a friend who also lost her mom when she was young, and gave my daughter a lot of support. She sent me a photo of the bouquet they brought, on the cold hard ground. I thanked her.There is no "right" way to feel, act, mark time. I guess I got hit hard by my wife's birthday in January. I realized this Mothers Day I have no moms in my life, my mother also died last year. My daughter & son-in-law and I are going to my mom's unveiling on Friday.I wonder how her mom's death changed our daughter's birthday, forever. The anniversary comes exactly one week after her birthday. I taught her about the Yahrzeit (death anniversary) calendar. The Hebrew calendar is lunar, so the date shifts against the Gregorian calendar dates every year. There are calendar apps that send reminders.
Baby steps become steady steps.
My wife of 25 years died last July. I guess I don't count weeks/months anymore, except I counted them on my fingers just now.I'm trying to plan the traditional Jewish unveiling of the grave marker on the one year anniversary. I was out of work for a couple of months (normal for self-employed consultants) so I need to build up some funds. When I purchased her grave, from plots owned by my synagogue, I bought one for myself at the same time next to her. I'll probably put up a double stone, a modest wedge, not because of economy, because that's "right" for me. Our souls were so deeply inter-twined in life. It occurred to me that I am still young, 56, and Ihopeto find another meaningful relationship in my life. That might make things more complicated. I'll figure it out as I go.The first week I observed the Jewish tradition of "sitting shiva." I sat on a low chair, covered my mirrors, turned off the tv, and let the thoughts & feelings flow. I took the week off from work. People are supposed to make short visits & bring food. Nobody came, but our daughter & friends called me often. That was OK. I was not really close with any members of my synagogue then, but we have been building closer friendships since then. If I asked at services for visitors, I'm sure they would have come.The first 2 months? A blur. I cried every day, multiple times a day. Our daughter observed that she had seen me cry only a handful of times in her life. It was a relief to have work to do; I am a web site coder, and that work is very demanding, it distracted me for a few hours a day.Perhaps a month or so ago, I felt myself leaving the raw grief period. Now I feel deep, deep sadness. I still cry sometimes, not as much.On Mothers Day our daughter, a runner, ran to the cemetery with a friend who also lost her mom when she was young, and gave my daughter a lot of support. She sent me a photo of the bouquet they brought, on the cold hard ground. I thanked her.There is no "right" way to feel, act, mark time. I guess I got hit hard by my wife's birthday in January. I realized this Mothers Day I have no moms in my life, my mother also died last year. My daughter & son-in-law and I are going to my mom's unveiling on Friday.I wonder how her mom's death changed our daughter's birthday, forever. The anniversary comes exactly one week after her birthday. I taught her about the Yahrzeit (death anniversary) calendar. The Hebrew calendar is lunar, so the date shifts against the Gregorian calendar dates every year. There are calendar apps that send reminders.
Baby steps become steady steps.
Replies
Thank you, my friend, for sharing this. You are journaling so you have a record to refer when time passes. We all lose memories. It is only natural we don\'t remember things in the first few months because so much had happened and we were in such a shock. I found myself what eat in breakfast and lunch. I don\'t remember things my friends told me just shortly. But I hope some of my lost memories will come back with time. Sadness is what I experience now plus numbness and disbelief. I am working on acceptance but I have a long and hard way to go. I am glad you have your daughter and your son-in-law with you. She is part of you and Arlene. Hold on tight on them. Thank you again for the update and keep us posted on your progress. Hugs, Tiger
At the funeral, the rabbi told me \"some day these days will just be a blur.\" Actually, I have quite vivid memories of the chapel and service, and putting the first shovel of dirt in the grave, hearing it thump on the wood. Jews traditionally turn the shovel upside-down and use the back of the shovel blade, to signify that we are reluctant to bury, but must. And especially I remember the friends and family who joined us after at Arlene\'s favorite restaurant.
I saw the rabbi at a street fair a couple of weeks ago. I went up to her, and told her, \"You probably don\'t recognize me with the beard.\" She didn\'t until I told her Arlene\'s name. I was disappointed that she was a little cold and distant, and she was probably disappointed that I didn\'t start coming to her synagogue, I like mine. Anyway, she gave a beautiful & meaningful service, that\'s what was important.
Actually I am journaling not only for myself, because I have a good memory, but also for my friends, like you Tiger, to let them know what\'s happening with me. I\'m a little of an extrovert, but a little shy too. Being a Tour Guide on double-decker buses in NYC for 3 years cured me of a lot of shyness.