10 Months
Hard to believe that today marks 10 months since Dina died. Even harder to believe is that this was not the first thing on my mind this morning. It actually didn’t occur to me until I was in the car driving to work and passing the exit for Mass General. Funny how things change over time.
It did make me think back to a year ago at this time. Actually, a year ago this past weekend. A blizzard was forecast for Boston from Friday through Sunday last year at this time. Dina knew it would be very difficult for her regular visitors to make it in to the hospital once the snow started. With that in mind she asked me to stay the weekend with her. I made plans for Hannah to stay somewhere so I could do that. I got there Friday morning per usual and was there until late Sunday morning. It was the first time we slept in the same room in 2 months. The day nurse for the weekend was a woman we became very close with (and I still am close with) and the night nurse was a woman Dina became close with that I was able to meet for the first time after talking to her on the phone many times early on during this ordeal. Despite feeling cooped up it was nice spending all that time with Dina. At the same time, however, it was hard. I got a small dose of what it was like for her to be there around the clock. I was with her every day but I always left around 5PM to pick up our daughter. I knew her nights were not great but I never experienced them until that weekend. It was hard. She slept very little. Her mind was everywhere, including some dark places. She had panic attacks. It sucked. I thought having me there with her might help. While I know she was very glad to have me with her it wasn’t enough to make all these thoughts and feelings stop. I felt helpless looking into her eyes and not being able to say or do anything for her. And we had some very hard conversations those two nights as well. Stuff I really hoped we never would have had to talk about. Despite the hard parts it was a good to spend that weekend with her and get a better understanding of what it was like for her. And I also think some of the difficult conversations brought us even closer when all was said and done. Hard to believe that was already a year ago.
It did make me think back to a year ago at this time. Actually, a year ago this past weekend. A blizzard was forecast for Boston from Friday through Sunday last year at this time. Dina knew it would be very difficult for her regular visitors to make it in to the hospital once the snow started. With that in mind she asked me to stay the weekend with her. I made plans for Hannah to stay somewhere so I could do that. I got there Friday morning per usual and was there until late Sunday morning. It was the first time we slept in the same room in 2 months. The day nurse for the weekend was a woman we became very close with (and I still am close with) and the night nurse was a woman Dina became close with that I was able to meet for the first time after talking to her on the phone many times early on during this ordeal. Despite feeling cooped up it was nice spending all that time with Dina. At the same time, however, it was hard. I got a small dose of what it was like for her to be there around the clock. I was with her every day but I always left around 5PM to pick up our daughter. I knew her nights were not great but I never experienced them until that weekend. It was hard. She slept very little. Her mind was everywhere, including some dark places. She had panic attacks. It sucked. I thought having me there with her might help. While I know she was very glad to have me with her it wasn’t enough to make all these thoughts and feelings stop. I felt helpless looking into her eyes and not being able to say or do anything for her. And we had some very hard conversations those two nights as well. Stuff I really hoped we never would have had to talk about. Despite the hard parts it was a good to spend that weekend with her and get a better understanding of what it was like for her. And I also think some of the difficult conversations brought us even closer when all was said and done. Hard to believe that was already a year ago.
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I know how difficult it is to drive by somewhere familiar and be teleported back into a specific memory with them, when they were still alive. We had a baby this summer and last night I passed by the doctor\'s office where he accompanied me for some of my prenatal appointments. My doctor had two office locations to choose from. Aaron said he liked that location because it was right by a comic book store and he wanted to stop by after the appointment. I so clearly remember us being in the waiting room together talking and enjoying each other\'s company. I can hear still hear his voice making totally inappropriate jokes and us making plans for after picking up our boys from school. I\'m so grateful that we had those appointments together.
The experience you described sounds very painful. Its good that you were able to have that time together.