10/9/17 One step forward and Three steps back

Today I didn’t plan much, my first half of the day I actually spent inside of my room watching endless youtube videos. It was just last night that I had binged and purged a total of three times in just one night due to the fact that I had a horrible day helping out with the marching festival competition my high school holds. I didn’t eat anything that day until I got home, I tried to stay positive by staying around my friends and it was working for the most part. But they all ditched me after our performance, they didn’t even bother to say goodbye. So I tried my best volunteering with some of my freshmen friends but I felt very outcasted despite my friend Evan trying to cheer me up.

(Also side note, those of you who don’t get bit by bugs too often be fucking grateful, even with bug spray I got a total of 12 new bug bites that night, and I already had 5 before that!)

I was sorta glad I didn’t have many plans today because it gave me a chance to try this new app that I got called LifeSum, it’s basically a dieting app that helps you get what’s healthy for your body type based on a few quizzes. Not only does this app do that but it has a step counter and other exercise options that tell you how much calories you would burn in a 30 minute period of time. It gives you healthy recipes and you can track your food intake on there so you can see if your over eating or not.

With this app it would make it a lot easier for me to decide weather I wanted to throw up or not. And honestly this app really helps! Well sort of, I lost it after visiting my Opa (grandfather in german). He had just gotten realised from the hospital so we were finally able to visit him, but I hate going to his house because it brings up so many memories of my Oma (grandmother in german), who I was very close to as child until she started getting rapid alzheimer's and started to forget everything, which lead to her death. I remember baking cookies with her without a care in the world on how much we ate or what we ate. She was truly a best friend.

As soon as we got home from our brief visit I started my binge, I had done so well up until then! I didn’t even go over my recommended calories but I wasn’t too far under either just around 100 calories under. But I had to go and ruin it all didn’t I, I ate so much that I can’t even recall what I ate in that one hour span of time while watching The Voice with my family. It all just numbed out, which I loved, not feeling anything, it’s what I crave for.

Purging it all up was something I loved too, the feeling of getting rid of all the food that resigned in my stomach it was like emptying my troubles out. This feeling of emptiness as it left my body with the music blaring and the shower running to muffle out my disturbing grunts. By the time I’ve finished purging I am left with a sore throat and horrible regret as I clean up the mess I’ve made. And hop into the shower with my thoughts

I was so fucking close, I was literally just a few hours away from not binging and purging, but no, I feel like such a dumbass and I hate myself for what I did. Yet at the same time I wish I could’ve barfed more because I was still not happy with my weight. Just this past week I had made it all the way down the 102 and now I was back at 105 and I hate it so very much. And I hate that this is my thought process, it’s so stupid honestly why can’t I just fucking stop it already…

Welp tomorrow is a new day and I hope I can controll myself a little better than today.