10/30 - Why do you do this...

I love you

6:30 am yesterday morning (Friday), you left with nothing more than an weak, "I'm gone"...

I spoke to you, at 9:30 am...we need to talk, good talk, not bad talk, you don't even know that what I wanted to discuss with you was to benefit both of us...my plans, like God's, are to prosper you, not to hinder or hurt you...but you don't get that...

you didn't come home, it is now Saturday @ 11:15 am...no call, no show, no nothing...what happened? where are you? I can only imagine...i don't want to, but I can...I've seen you...I know what you are capable of...
I did get a LOT of studying done, staying up all night...so I guess I could thank you for that...but...I haven't had much sleep...and I have to continue to study...but I can't...because i'm asking myself all these questions...looking out the window...I hate being in situations I can't control...and God knows, I can't control this...so why do I do this to myself...why? because I love you...because what happens to you makes a difference to me...because I want you in my life...so I have to continue putting up with this crap because...I love you...

A very wise man once said: When you don't know what do, do what you know, till you know what to do...

So, again, that's what I do...I do the only thing I know to do...I pray...and I write...and I seek out help from complete strangers...and I pray....and I write...and I isolate myself from everyone...and I pray...and I write...and I study (to forget)-that's a good thing...but all the while, I keep asking myself "why?"...what did I do to deserve being treated this way? ...and I can't come up with an answer...I know I have my faults, but I also know that those faults don't include anything that deserves this kind of treatment...I love you, unconditionally...I don't nag you...I let you live your life while I live my life without being dishonest or disloyal to you...I only want the best for you and for us...so why do I get treated like I'm the worst wife in the world?

Well...my question was answered today, in your letter to me...

To My Wife (these are my words)

What Addicts Do

I am an addict and this is what I do. You can not nor will you change my behavior. You can not make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are nothing but a tool to me something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth. You see Love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't I can not and will not love you or my children.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or for anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you or take all you money.
My behavior can not or will not change until I make a decision to stop using then follow up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision I will hurt you again, again, and again.
Stop being surprised about my behavior and the things I do..... I will always blame you because of where I am in my life.
Stop being surprised~~~ I am a addict and this is what I do.

Rudeboy.

Harsh isn't it? I CRIED a river as I read those words and heard them in my head, in YOUR voice...I'm crying now as I write this...but...it the truth...and the truth hurts.

ok...well, that's it for now...I got my answer, and now I am gonna go study...see ya when I see ya.

I love you.