1 Year to the day:(

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day I went to the Dr's to have an ultrasound just to find that there was no heartbeat. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was excited for my appointment because I had just been at the Dr's 3 days earlier and they had found the heartbeat and things were looking good! I felt so pregnant and was feeling so positive!I went into the Sonograophers room and she started doing her thing (and it took a while), she did not say anything either... after a while she finally said I am going to get the Dr. I will be right back, the Dr. Came in and they started looking at the ultrasound together. They looked for a while and I had a feeling something was wrong, so I asked, 'is there something wrong'. And the Dr. said, I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat. I said,'Are you sure'? I feel REALLY pregnant!! And she said yes, it looks like the bleeding from the chorionic hemmorage had pushed through and  the sac is torn from the placenta,  am so sorry. I remember the Dr. feeling so bad for me and hugging me, and I felt bad for her because I could tell the discomfort in her voice with having to tell me the horrible news. The Dr. left the room and left me alone for (I dont know how long, it seemed like eternity). I called my mom and dad and husband to tell them the bad news. My Husband left work and came straight to the Dr's office. But I was alone in that cold room for a LONG time. All I could think, is 'maybe she is wrong', I honestly did not believe her. It took me a while to accept reality.
So here I am a year later, and I am about to start my period:( I took 2 pregnancy  tests and both BFN's. Big Fat Nothings! On top of that I am having all types of family issues, so I am basically at work right now, and I am a basket case crying at my desk. I feel depressed, I was feeling pretty good a few days ago, but all the family issues that are going on have really put me into a slump and that on top of reliving my horrible day 1 year ago has really brought me down. I cant stop crying and I feel very alone. My husband wants to go to dinner tonight, but I am feeling very distant from him as well. The family issues have to do with him too, so the whole thing is stressing me out. I wish I was on a beach right  now sipping a cold drink and living someone elses life. Mine sucks today. I know that I am probably PMSing and that tomorrow I could wake up and feel great, but today just SUCKS! Thank You for letting me vent.