1 Year

Wow. Hard to wrap my brain around the fact that today marks one year since Dina died. Where did the time go? I can still recall every detail about that morning as if it were happening right now. It was a Thursday. She had just moved to rehab (for the second and hopefully last time) on Tuesday. She was clearly doing better if they moved her but she was worn down physically. And mentally. Over the course of the previous weekend her father had died suddenly and been buried. And she wasnt able to be there for any of it. All of that seemed to explain the lingering headache she had. I was with her on Wednesday per usual. She was sleeping on and off but it was really like any other day. She even got up and did some walking with the physical therapist, which was very encouraging considering how she felt. I in no way was expecting that when I said goodbye to her that afternoon that it was the last time I would be doing so.

Thursday was one of the two days I went to the office during her four month hospitalization. While driving to work that morning I got a phone call that she had been sent back to the hospital. They wanted to do a CT scan and didnt have the means to do it at the rehab facility. I really thought nothing of it. My first thought was that she was going to be pissed to be going back to the hospital already! I just figured I would put in my half day at the office and go to the hospital instead of rehab to see her. And Id assure her once again that it was just a minor bump and things were still going to be okay. About 45 minutes later I received another phone call. This time it was the ER. They told me to come there. This couldnt be good. And it wasnt. They told me that they found blood on her brain. They didnt tell me much more but they said it was serious. As luck would have it I was just about to pass the exit for the hospital. I then began making some phone calls while waiting in traffic.

When I got to the ER they directed me to where she was. As I was turning the last corner I literally almost got hit by her. She was lying on a bed and they were taking her for another test. As soon as I saw her I knew it was bad. I wasnt sure how bad but that was not Dina lying in that bed. Not even the sick version of her from the previous four months. They told me the room that they would be coming back to and told me to wait there. They never even made it to the test. Within minutes they were back in the room. Something had happened with her heart as an almost trickle-down effect from the blood in her brain. I was asked to go out to the waiting room while the neurological team came in to do some tests.

After making a few more phone calls I sat in the empty waiting room by myself. My mind was kind of blank. Was this really happening? She fought so hard for four months against terrible odds to get this farand now this? Then the neurologist came in and delivered the grim news. I did not envy him at this point and I was grateful for his straight to the point approach. She had a brain hemorrhage, which was made worse due to the fact she was on blood thinners. There was no brain stem function. Chances of survival were very low and even if she did survive there would be no quality of life. It didnt take much thinking on my part. While we didnt specifically talk about this type of situation (who would at 33?!) I knew her. She wouldnt want to live like that. She wouldnt want Hannah to see her like that. My mother-in-law agreed. So while hard to accept, the decision was quite easy. There was no reason to put her through anymore misery. This was it.

More phone calls were made. Family and friends started showing up. In the end there had to have been 25-30 people there. The ER was amazing to us. They moved her to a bigger room and kept her alive for as long as I wanted. I didnt want to prolong it but I wanted to make sure anyone that could get there was able to get there. I finally let the nurse know it was time and she shut off the machines. At 1:46PM on April 11, 2013, while I whispered to her with my head laying on hers, family members holding her hands and surround by 25-30 of the most important people in our lives and more love than I could have imagined, Dina died.

While our lives changed on 12/15/2012 when she almost died and never came home again, it became permanent on 4/11/2013. The year has been filled with ups and downs. Hannah and I have adjusted to our routine and she has made it easier on all of us to get through this. Even though so much has changed we are doing really well overall. Its not the life that we ever envisioned but were trying to make the best of it. The one thing that hasnt changed is that Dina remains the single most amazing woman I have ever known. She was so full of life, love and laughter when she was alive and that is how I will remember her. I will remember her laugh, her sense of humor, her supportiveness, her stubbornness, her likes and dislikesI will remember it all and will never forget. I will remember that throughout her four month fight she showed how she is the most courageous person I have ever known. I will remember what an inspiration she was to all that knew her. I will remember how determined she was, even at her lowest points, to get home to us. It breaks my heart that Hannah will grow up without the mother that she so adored for three years, but her life is infinitely better due to the simple fact that Dina was her mother. She will always carry part of Dina with her. And my life will be forever better for having been able to spend almost 16 years with her and calling her my wife for almost 6 years. Life will go on and, even though shes not here, Dina will forever be a part of it.