(1) My Diary '24th January 2017"

24th January 2017 I wrote;

((( "You've got a warm heart, you've got a beautiful brain, but it's to send you crazy" - Daughter 'Medicine'. Was my favourite song for a while. Before that was 'Your Soul' by Hippie Sabotage. I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you. I keep seeing you with me. How handsome you are. I still fancy you. I still love you. I haven't felt more alone before. I'd give anything to be with you again. Always.

Whenever I talk to other people I'm constantly thinking about you and how their words are meaningless. I'm looking at your funeral card. How you're just a picture on a piece of paper. That will never be you. Not to me. You're real, I had you in my arms every night. We spoke, we kissed, we made love. Your smile is killing me. Even your flaws are making you even more perfect to me right now. Your flaws, I mean, your snoring (chainsaw snoring) your childish behaviour, like the jealousy. But I want it all so badly. I want you. )))

Hello, this is my first time using dailystrength. My names Kelly, I'm 20 years old, female, and from England UK. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to be using dailystrength for. My diary writings. My diary writings in which I've kept since the day my boyfriend died. I've kept them to myself for almost a year now. But I'm still not ready to show my family or friends, or even a professional who thinks they could help me. So I've decided to write them on here, to a bunch of strangers. They won't be in chronological order. In fact I might not write down most of them, as they're extremely personal. But maybe I just might change my mind whilst my confidence starts to grow, as the longer I'm on this support site. 

I'm not a very interesting person, and most of the things I say don't make sense. So I apologise. I also understand how most people might get bored with my readings. I don't mind. Because honestly, I've bored myself with my own mind. I wish I could purchase a new one. Oh and I often get off track really easily. My mind goes insane when I write. I simply can't get everything down. So the subject tends to change without warning. Sorry.

This post might not even make sense to you right now. Or it might not even apply to you. So I'll just say this, I lost him. I lost him before we could even live life the way we planned. I lost the one thing I was ready to die for. I lost a human being in which I thought could never exist. I lost my boyfriend to a brain aneurysm on 22nd September 2016 at 9:40pm (GA, USA Time) I also lost my mind as I knew it at that very moment. (I've paused here) I have no idea what to write right now. I've just upset myself so fucking deeply. I've just blanked out my mind with the date and time and memory of exactly what happend at that moment I lost him. 

Everything is consuming me right now! The bed I'm sitting on, the strange heat waves pulsing through my room, the noise of my older sister playing reggae on her stupidly loud stereo beneath me. The thought of publishing this is consuming me. Do I, don't I? Am I just going to hate myself when I do? What are you all going to think of me? How many people are even going to see this? Am I another human being looking for attention? Or a genuine young adult who is seriously feeling alone? Ah. I'm sorry. 

So back to the reason why I signed up. Yesterday, 26th May 2017 I typed in Google "How to deal with losing your boyfriend". I felt so pathetic writing that, I felt even more pathetic scrolling and clicking on pages 4 and 5 on Google. I found nothing but posts about dealing with breaking up. I got mad. I felt alone. Then there was one link which someone spoke about her boyfriend dying, and how she dealt with it. Pretty much what I was looking for. It was a post someone made on here, dailystrength. Instantly I knew what daily strength was about so I thought I'd sign up. I'm hoping this is going to help me. And maybe some of you. If you're still reading this right now, I really would like to know what you think. Because I think I'm just rambling and it's quite upsetting. I'll end this post here.

I'll be posting more pretty soon, and I'll be explaining more about my journey. And also why, how and when I think depression hit me. Thanks