1 day sober
1 day... 1 day... 1 day at a time... today is day 2. Why have I done this to myself? Why do I allow myself to actively try and destroy every relationship I have? What is wrong with me?
I dont know whats wrong, but I do know how to fix it. All I have to do is actually go and do it. I have had enough, but really I mean it this time. I dont expect anyone to even believe me any more, but the only person I have to convince is myself. This is it. I simply dont want to go on living with this affliction. I hate myself, I am constantly under stress, I dont enjoy life at all and I am bitter about anyone that does enjoy life.
I have been in a downward spiral probably since the spring. There are a few major events that triggered a faster and faster fall. The first thing I remember, beyond the fact that I had begun to allow a "little" gambling here and there, with amounts that I could "afford" (ok I couldnt really afford it but it was smaller losses that were easy to ignore). I had started to just say ok, I am a gambler, and I just have to try and limit how much I play and how much I lose. I have been on this site for several years, and I have tried meetings and counselling off and on without very good results. In the spring however I went to Niagara Falls with a friend and my brother, and I had a great time, won some money, and didnt really think about it. My brother, who has gone through the same addiction with me, was right by my side, and he didn't make a single bet, and didn't say too much because its hard to say someone has a problem when they are winning.
Fast forward about a month and a different brother was also visiting, and we again decided to go to Niagara. This time I reluctantly agreed, I really didnt want to go, my wife didnt want me to go, and I had no money to really afford to go, even with or without gambling. So of course I made up my mind the only way I would have a good time is if I could win again. I figured maybe i could just afford like $200 or so... well the first $200 didnt work out, and I started to panic, thinking I really couldn't afford to lose even that much, so I took out more money to chase the loss. It didn't take too long to lose that too, and my whole night was ruined and I started to get a bad headache so I left my brother and friend and went to the hotel room and just went to sleep. That was just the first of many headaches to come.
Then came my vacation in August, another milestone in the downward spiral. 2 weeks with no pay, mandatory time off, and then extra expenses of course, to go visit siblings out west. When I came back from vacation I found my hours were being reduced to half time indefinitely, and I had a little extra money but I was worried because my paycheck was going to be half as much. I had also bought a car based upon being told that I should expect a raise soon... by two different managers, and that was back in January. But I was told by a new manager just after vacation that I would not be getting a raise at all.
The serious gambling started then, playing poker online, putting 50 or 100 on my account, sometimes doing ok for a day or two before losing it, or sometimes losing it right away. I couldnt believe that I could be that bad at poker. Then football season started, and although I didnt bet on it very much, I did buy a few game tickets and it fed into the whole frenzy. Then came a few casino trips here and there... Which always accelerates the losing process. I did manage to avoid the casino for a while again but kept trying the poker, and then last week when I got paid I stupidly drove myself to the casino instead of going home. I was very hungry and didnt really want to be there but I wasnt listening to my sense, the voice that kept saying LEAVE now while you still can!
Needless to say I ended up playing until I lost everything I could get my hands on... almost my entire paycheck. The last 150 I took out allowed me to play much longer than the first 750, but it only served to delay the inevitable. Winning "some" of my money back wasnt good enough, I had to make it all or nothing, so I left with nothing. that made for a very unhappy wknd, again stressing about money and wondering what I would do. I didnt have enough money for my car insurance, gas, car payments etc which of course I need in order to get to work, to get paid! So I figured I would have to borrow money from a payday loan, and told myself I can do it alone, I can solve my own problems without telling anyone or anyone else knowing how bad it had gotten.
Well, on Wednesday, Halloween, I received the cash advance I had applied to on Monday. It didnt take me long at all to convince myself I SHOULD go to the casino - not I could, not that I wanted to, but that I should. The reason is because I could have just asked for 300 on loan, but since I was approved for up to 1000 I took more. Why did I take more? So that I could gamble. So, once I had the money, if I didnt gamble I was paying interest for no reason right? Such horrible decision making and reasoning!! I ignored all the other bills and things I need to pay for, and said I would worry about those after I had won a little money.
I went figuring I would allow myself 500 to play some poker and I would do it right this time, I would play right, careful, i would be good, and maybe even get some good cards too. Well I didnt even really make it past the front door. I got stopped by the dice game I always liked to play, I said oh just a few bets here then I will go. Well a couple bets was a quick couple hundred. I did go peek into the poker room but the waiting list looked long so I went back to the dice game and quickly lost my "budgeted" money, then in anger and frustration went and took out every last dollar I could access once again.
In just over an HOUR I had blown more money than what my next paycheck would be. I felt sick. I knew it was the end but I was more afraid of my wife than anything else. I seemed to live in constant fear of her. But with or without her, whether or not she would support me, I had no choice, I couldnt run anymore and I had nowhere else to turn. My car insurance and my car payments were now going to bounce for sure.
I have already gone through this process before... several times... coming clean to family and friends, begging for loans, promising to get help and to turn myself around. Ive done it several times, and each time it seems like the end of the world. It is such a sickening feeling, all the things I have pushed down, ignored, it all starts to come to light. The lies that I forgot were even lies, it all comes out. And the sickening feeling of just how much damage I have done in terms of trust and relationships.
Well, my wife hasnt left me yet. I had to sleep in the spare room for a few nights but I slept in my own bed Saturday night. I am starting to remember what its like to enjoy simple things again, And to remember the value of a dollar! When you are forced to count your quarters to try and buy gas to get to work, it really makes you stop and think. Just having a bed and a warm house and food to eat, and people who love you, thats what really matters!
I dont know whats wrong, but I do know how to fix it. All I have to do is actually go and do it. I have had enough, but really I mean it this time. I dont expect anyone to even believe me any more, but the only person I have to convince is myself. This is it. I simply dont want to go on living with this affliction. I hate myself, I am constantly under stress, I dont enjoy life at all and I am bitter about anyone that does enjoy life.
I have been in a downward spiral probably since the spring. There are a few major events that triggered a faster and faster fall. The first thing I remember, beyond the fact that I had begun to allow a "little" gambling here and there, with amounts that I could "afford" (ok I couldnt really afford it but it was smaller losses that were easy to ignore). I had started to just say ok, I am a gambler, and I just have to try and limit how much I play and how much I lose. I have been on this site for several years, and I have tried meetings and counselling off and on without very good results. In the spring however I went to Niagara Falls with a friend and my brother, and I had a great time, won some money, and didnt really think about it. My brother, who has gone through the same addiction with me, was right by my side, and he didn't make a single bet, and didn't say too much because its hard to say someone has a problem when they are winning.
Fast forward about a month and a different brother was also visiting, and we again decided to go to Niagara. This time I reluctantly agreed, I really didnt want to go, my wife didnt want me to go, and I had no money to really afford to go, even with or without gambling. So of course I made up my mind the only way I would have a good time is if I could win again. I figured maybe i could just afford like $200 or so... well the first $200 didnt work out, and I started to panic, thinking I really couldn't afford to lose even that much, so I took out more money to chase the loss. It didn't take too long to lose that too, and my whole night was ruined and I started to get a bad headache so I left my brother and friend and went to the hotel room and just went to sleep. That was just the first of many headaches to come.
Then came my vacation in August, another milestone in the downward spiral. 2 weeks with no pay, mandatory time off, and then extra expenses of course, to go visit siblings out west. When I came back from vacation I found my hours were being reduced to half time indefinitely, and I had a little extra money but I was worried because my paycheck was going to be half as much. I had also bought a car based upon being told that I should expect a raise soon... by two different managers, and that was back in January. But I was told by a new manager just after vacation that I would not be getting a raise at all.
The serious gambling started then, playing poker online, putting 50 or 100 on my account, sometimes doing ok for a day or two before losing it, or sometimes losing it right away. I couldnt believe that I could be that bad at poker. Then football season started, and although I didnt bet on it very much, I did buy a few game tickets and it fed into the whole frenzy. Then came a few casino trips here and there... Which always accelerates the losing process. I did manage to avoid the casino for a while again but kept trying the poker, and then last week when I got paid I stupidly drove myself to the casino instead of going home. I was very hungry and didnt really want to be there but I wasnt listening to my sense, the voice that kept saying LEAVE now while you still can!
Needless to say I ended up playing until I lost everything I could get my hands on... almost my entire paycheck. The last 150 I took out allowed me to play much longer than the first 750, but it only served to delay the inevitable. Winning "some" of my money back wasnt good enough, I had to make it all or nothing, so I left with nothing. that made for a very unhappy wknd, again stressing about money and wondering what I would do. I didnt have enough money for my car insurance, gas, car payments etc which of course I need in order to get to work, to get paid! So I figured I would have to borrow money from a payday loan, and told myself I can do it alone, I can solve my own problems without telling anyone or anyone else knowing how bad it had gotten.
Well, on Wednesday, Halloween, I received the cash advance I had applied to on Monday. It didnt take me long at all to convince myself I SHOULD go to the casino - not I could, not that I wanted to, but that I should. The reason is because I could have just asked for 300 on loan, but since I was approved for up to 1000 I took more. Why did I take more? So that I could gamble. So, once I had the money, if I didnt gamble I was paying interest for no reason right? Such horrible decision making and reasoning!! I ignored all the other bills and things I need to pay for, and said I would worry about those after I had won a little money.
I went figuring I would allow myself 500 to play some poker and I would do it right this time, I would play right, careful, i would be good, and maybe even get some good cards too. Well I didnt even really make it past the front door. I got stopped by the dice game I always liked to play, I said oh just a few bets here then I will go. Well a couple bets was a quick couple hundred. I did go peek into the poker room but the waiting list looked long so I went back to the dice game and quickly lost my "budgeted" money, then in anger and frustration went and took out every last dollar I could access once again.
In just over an HOUR I had blown more money than what my next paycheck would be. I felt sick. I knew it was the end but I was more afraid of my wife than anything else. I seemed to live in constant fear of her. But with or without her, whether or not she would support me, I had no choice, I couldnt run anymore and I had nowhere else to turn. My car insurance and my car payments were now going to bounce for sure.
I have already gone through this process before... several times... coming clean to family and friends, begging for loans, promising to get help and to turn myself around. Ive done it several times, and each time it seems like the end of the world. It is such a sickening feeling, all the things I have pushed down, ignored, it all starts to come to light. The lies that I forgot were even lies, it all comes out. And the sickening feeling of just how much damage I have done in terms of trust and relationships.
Well, my wife hasnt left me yet. I had to sleep in the spare room for a few nights but I slept in my own bed Saturday night. I am starting to remember what its like to enjoy simple things again, And to remember the value of a dollar! When you are forced to count your quarters to try and buy gas to get to work, it really makes you stop and think. Just having a bed and a warm house and food to eat, and people who love you, thats what really matters!
Replies
Alex, I know how fed up and disgusted you are with yourself. I really do hope this is \"it\". The time it finally clicks, and sticks. Don\'t give up. I really believe you can be successful at quitting. Stick with it, man.
Its true, only other gamblers can really understand me, my wife certainly doesnt understand, my family at least tries to... but I need other CG\'s to help me on the road to recovery, so I am almost glad to have my brother who is one, and he is over one year now gamble free!
Alex, thousands of day 1 with me as well but I never stop quitting.... You can do it!
Fight Alex, only you can change your life.