1-19-22 -2016

So it's been a few days since I did an entry. So let's begin I did my first therapy session which was good. Began to see little patterns and themes of why I might have started to lie. All came down to my relationship with my mother she did some pretty missed up things like getting us kicked out of apartment and leaving us behind so she could go and party with friends  just kinda feeling Abandon At that age and also being cheated on by one of my ex girlfriends during the plan of our wedding.  I'm not Entirely sure if that's correct but it seemed to have started around that area.  So when a girl that I really care abouts tries to get to close I panic and red flags go off to protect myself from that kinda pain again. I'm not sure if that's the case but I'm also not denying it. So we shall see when we dig deeper on the second session.  Then I lied I forgot when it was but I lied to 1 about contacting the other girl only to say that I don't want to talk to her outside of our gym but that I would treat her like a human being at the gym we both all go to. 1 thinks I still like this girl but that that's not even true. I don't not at all. 1 said she's going to give me time and space to truly figure out what I want. She broke down and cried to me how bad she wants us to be together she just wants me to be honest with her. And I will do that. She's been so understanding about this she's so amazing to me I'm going to kick this lying habits ass.  This time around is different I can feel it deep down that I will do this time around. Anyways good buddy of mine broke up with his lady and so I know what he is feeling so I've been there for him giving advise about if you really love her make the change that you need to do be patient give her time and space and just keep it simple.  Back to me now so 1's birthday is coming in a few days same with valentine's day and I hope we can do something together on those days also there's this flooded forest paddle boat event that I would like to do with her hopefully she allows it to happen. She loves paddle boarding told her awhile we would go and this event seems fun. Anyways today isn't over yet but I almost went two days free of lying to anyone including myself.  Thanks for reading sorry it's all over the place with my thought just a good place to write what's going on.