1/17/16
Good morning! I just felt like writing earlier today. Still having trouble sleeping, kinda tossed and turned last night. I can't wait to get back to work on Tuesday so I can get my mind on other stuff besides my girl and the time will go faster too.
Good news is my girl did Skype me yesterday for a little bit, I showed her my piercing and she loves it. It was so nice to see her :) She said she actually tried to Skype me on Friday around 10pm, I didn't realize Skype doesn't send an alert if someone tried to call me so I thought she just didn't call, stupid me, I feel like an ass. When I checked the call log in Skype sure enough she did try to call but I was feeling sick and tired and I had already shut my phone off. I really wish I could have talked to her then. I guess I'll leave my phone on at least till 10pm now. I really hope she calls me before Saturday, but she said last night she'd call me when she gets home so maybe she won't, if not its cool. I'd just love to hear from her a few more times before Saturday.
She called me from a sports bar, I can't say I'm too thrilled about that, but its alright, she was with her Dad and sister and her sister's boyfriend. Her Dad is always taking her to bars when she sees him, I'm just not a bar hopper and I'm not sure I want my girl doing that without me because she doesn't drink and I don't want her tempted too. You get in trouble when you drink...That and I just hate the feeling that guys can hit on her constantly at a bar, again its that fear of losing her I guess. I'm trying to just block it out and not think about it because I know at least her Dad would step in if a guy hit on her, because with her disability you really can't take a chance of a guy taking advantage of her.
And I know I might just sound paranoid, but her Mom told me the whole story of what happened with her and my girl's real Dad(who she is with now in Florida). Basically it was going good, but he's a good looking guy and got a lot of attention from women. Eventually he cheated on her, and that's what broke up the marriage. So even though her Dad is a nice guy and all, I'm not a fan of cheaters at all, so after I found that out my opinion of him went way down. So that's why this situation is similar, my gal gets a lot of attention from guys because she is so beautiful and nice, and I don't want her Dad putting her in situations where she'd be tempted to cheat on me. By cheating I should say not sexual, because I have no doubts that would never happen, hard to explain, but I just know. But I mean just getting close to another guy and flirting, etc. I just don't like it, so I hope she just comes back to me without telling me this happened down there or that happened.
I think we do have a few things to work on when she gets back. I think I mentioned how she points out to me when guys are checking her out when we are in public and all, maybe I didn't. With her learning disability I don't think she means anything by it, but it really bothers me when she says oh that guy is staring at me, and sadly it happens at least once if not twice when we go out that she'll say it too me. I've kinda kept quite about it, but if she keeps doing it every time it's going to get old really fast. Because I get plenty of looks from women when we go out but I don't say it to her. I just don't know if she realizes it hurts my feelings when she says it, I feel like she's looking elsewhere.
One time early on, like a few months into our relationship she even said oh that cute guy is checking me out, I really felt like total shit the rest of the day and almost went home, but I couldn't because we were out as a group, so I let it slide partly because I don't think she realized what she said and partly because with her learning disability she might not know that's not the right thing to say in front of your boyfriend. Sadly if it happens again I'm going to have to bring it up to her and just tell her that's really hurtful and if she continues to do that this relationship might not work. I really think it comes down to her never having a steady boyfriend and her disability so she might not really know what she's doing wrong, so I don't want to get all mad, but I can't bottle it up either.
Because I've been doing that and the last time at the mall she told me a guy was checking her out I just didn't really talk to her the rest of the time we were at the mall, I felt beat down, I couldn't help it. She knew I was upset though and tried to say I love you and I'm with you, and I know she does, but its still tough. I just don't want to be spiteful and tell her women are checking me out too, but maybe I should so she knows it makes your partner feel bad, then maybe she'll stop. What got me is I actually mentioned that an older guy was checking her out at the mall because it creeped me out to her Mom and Step-Dad when we got home from the mall and my girlfriend asked her parents, "Did I do something wrong?" And we all said no, so that's what leads me to believe she doesn't even realize when she points out that these guys looking at her that she's even doing anything wrong because of her disability. I guess I should just leave it alone because I don't want to lose her over something so stupid, plus she did reassure me that she's with me and she loves me when we were at the mall.
Even after saying all that, this girl is so sweet and beautiful and I'm so much happier since I met her I think I can let the little stuff slide that bothers me, most guys can't and that's what ends relationships. Plus in all honesty with my depression I am suicidal at times, (given very rarely), but I've been to that place...I'm not sure if I'd even be alive right now if not for Jenna being in my life. I was in a really dark place before I met her and got my full-time job last year. And how I met her was through her Mom, as her Mom is my co-worker and she set us up.
Well I needed to get that off my chest I think, I feel a lot better. I do love writing these journals, sometimes when I go back and read them I can really see what bothers me, and what I worry about, what my hopes and fears are. Shows me the bigger picture. It's pretty cool, clearly right now my mind is on my girlfriend and its really ripping me apart, but I'll be alright I think...Just this damn depression I suffer from really compounds these things.
Think I'll watch some more NFL playoffs today, mess around with my car a bit, play some video games. It's all good.
3 days down, 6 to go... :)
Good news is my girl did Skype me yesterday for a little bit, I showed her my piercing and she loves it. It was so nice to see her :) She said she actually tried to Skype me on Friday around 10pm, I didn't realize Skype doesn't send an alert if someone tried to call me so I thought she just didn't call, stupid me, I feel like an ass. When I checked the call log in Skype sure enough she did try to call but I was feeling sick and tired and I had already shut my phone off. I really wish I could have talked to her then. I guess I'll leave my phone on at least till 10pm now. I really hope she calls me before Saturday, but she said last night she'd call me when she gets home so maybe she won't, if not its cool. I'd just love to hear from her a few more times before Saturday.
She called me from a sports bar, I can't say I'm too thrilled about that, but its alright, she was with her Dad and sister and her sister's boyfriend. Her Dad is always taking her to bars when she sees him, I'm just not a bar hopper and I'm not sure I want my girl doing that without me because she doesn't drink and I don't want her tempted too. You get in trouble when you drink...That and I just hate the feeling that guys can hit on her constantly at a bar, again its that fear of losing her I guess. I'm trying to just block it out and not think about it because I know at least her Dad would step in if a guy hit on her, because with her disability you really can't take a chance of a guy taking advantage of her.
And I know I might just sound paranoid, but her Mom told me the whole story of what happened with her and my girl's real Dad(who she is with now in Florida). Basically it was going good, but he's a good looking guy and got a lot of attention from women. Eventually he cheated on her, and that's what broke up the marriage. So even though her Dad is a nice guy and all, I'm not a fan of cheaters at all, so after I found that out my opinion of him went way down. So that's why this situation is similar, my gal gets a lot of attention from guys because she is so beautiful and nice, and I don't want her Dad putting her in situations where she'd be tempted to cheat on me. By cheating I should say not sexual, because I have no doubts that would never happen, hard to explain, but I just know. But I mean just getting close to another guy and flirting, etc. I just don't like it, so I hope she just comes back to me without telling me this happened down there or that happened.
I think we do have a few things to work on when she gets back. I think I mentioned how she points out to me when guys are checking her out when we are in public and all, maybe I didn't. With her learning disability I don't think she means anything by it, but it really bothers me when she says oh that guy is staring at me, and sadly it happens at least once if not twice when we go out that she'll say it too me. I've kinda kept quite about it, but if she keeps doing it every time it's going to get old really fast. Because I get plenty of looks from women when we go out but I don't say it to her. I just don't know if she realizes it hurts my feelings when she says it, I feel like she's looking elsewhere.
One time early on, like a few months into our relationship she even said oh that cute guy is checking me out, I really felt like total shit the rest of the day and almost went home, but I couldn't because we were out as a group, so I let it slide partly because I don't think she realized what she said and partly because with her learning disability she might not know that's not the right thing to say in front of your boyfriend. Sadly if it happens again I'm going to have to bring it up to her and just tell her that's really hurtful and if she continues to do that this relationship might not work. I really think it comes down to her never having a steady boyfriend and her disability so she might not really know what she's doing wrong, so I don't want to get all mad, but I can't bottle it up either.
Because I've been doing that and the last time at the mall she told me a guy was checking her out I just didn't really talk to her the rest of the time we were at the mall, I felt beat down, I couldn't help it. She knew I was upset though and tried to say I love you and I'm with you, and I know she does, but its still tough. I just don't want to be spiteful and tell her women are checking me out too, but maybe I should so she knows it makes your partner feel bad, then maybe she'll stop. What got me is I actually mentioned that an older guy was checking her out at the mall because it creeped me out to her Mom and Step-Dad when we got home from the mall and my girlfriend asked her parents, "Did I do something wrong?" And we all said no, so that's what leads me to believe she doesn't even realize when she points out that these guys looking at her that she's even doing anything wrong because of her disability. I guess I should just leave it alone because I don't want to lose her over something so stupid, plus she did reassure me that she's with me and she loves me when we were at the mall.
Even after saying all that, this girl is so sweet and beautiful and I'm so much happier since I met her I think I can let the little stuff slide that bothers me, most guys can't and that's what ends relationships. Plus in all honesty with my depression I am suicidal at times, (given very rarely), but I've been to that place...I'm not sure if I'd even be alive right now if not for Jenna being in my life. I was in a really dark place before I met her and got my full-time job last year. And how I met her was through her Mom, as her Mom is my co-worker and she set us up.
Well I needed to get that off my chest I think, I feel a lot better. I do love writing these journals, sometimes when I go back and read them I can really see what bothers me, and what I worry about, what my hopes and fears are. Shows me the bigger picture. It's pretty cool, clearly right now my mind is on my girlfriend and its really ripping me apart, but I'll be alright I think...Just this damn depression I suffer from really compounds these things.
Think I'll watch some more NFL playoffs today, mess around with my car a bit, play some video games. It's all good.
3 days down, 6 to go... :)
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