09/13/08-Saturday Rant

Today I win 27-0.   My sleep is getting much better most nights.  I find when I think of things that truly upset and hurt me I just can't stop my wheels and I'm up forever.   I am letting this one ex-boyfriend - from 10 years ago-upset me so much.  He just so happens to now live close to me and I rarely see him but the times I have seen me he has set me up to steal from me.  Literally set me up to steal from me.  He has always been cruel to me and is probably the worst drunk I personally know.  He used to have it all.  Great paying job, tons of "friends"...blah, blah, blah.  In 2001 he lost his job.  We were broken up a couple years before that.  Rarely saw each other.  We lived together for 4 months before I couldn't take his crap anymore and left.  I find out later that he was out of work for 4 years and lived off of what money he had and spent it all at "his" bar.  He got 3 dui's in one year and spent time in the pokey.  He lost it all due to drinking.  He was sleeping in a mutual girlfriend's house on the kitchen floor after he exhausted all of his other friends' kindnesses.  During that time I moved on and lived my own life.  Met a wonderful man that I have been with now for 7 years.  I even moved out of state to MN for a little over a year and came back to marry my b/f.  When I came back to CA my b/f decided he couldn't follow thru with getting married - but he chose to tell me this 2 days before I moved back to MN.  In the meanwhile, while I was in MN, I quit my job to move back to CA.  But my b/f kept on telling me he hadn't found the right place for us yet.  Well months and months went by and I kept on believing him and the money I had earned there $11k was quickly going down. So when I came back to CA I had nothing left and found myself for the first time in a women's shelter.  Zero money.  After 4 months I landed a job and my b/f paid me back the $11k plus a lot more.  Within one year I had $25k between what I was making and what he was giving me.Sooooo after I was back in CA for a year my ex and I saw each other a few times socially.  He told me all the shit that had happened to him.  Jail, no license, shitty paying job, etc.  He saw that I was doing pretty okay.  As it just so happens we now live pretty close to each other.  He drinks A LOT of vodka.  I like vodka but don't drink it much.  I would go over to his place and end up getting pretty smashed.  I would have to fall asleep.  He has nothing these days.  I mean the dude counts his change.  He lives in ...I don't know what to call it...shared house?  A super small room is all he has.  Anyway what was happening is that I usually always carry oh $60 or so dollars on me and extra cigs.  I would get plowed and he would steal from me.  I would invite him over for dinner once in a while and he would steal from me.  I never really caught on because for some reason it never dawned on me he would steal and I didn't count my money before nor after seeing him.  The only reason I know is because I caught him red-handed.  I started putting pieces together.  When I would fall asleep he would insist I take my jeans off and if I didn't I had to leave.  We are not lovers and this was not about sex so I didn't understand.  Until one night I woke up and saw him holding my jeans.  He stopped moving and I was wondering what the heck he was doing with my jeans and decided he didn't like where I had them and I went back to sleep.  He's been stealing money from my pockets the whole time.  And stealing smokes too.  AND he denied it!  Unreal.  So unreal.  What really upsets me is that a mutual girlfriend told me that he is telling people that I have what I have because I stole from him.  The bastard is taking credit for what I have!!  A nice cottage with a yard.  My own fricking place with my own kitchen and my own shower and my own toilet and it is all because I stole from him.  I don't understand this bastard.  I really do not understand this fuck up!  Let's say he is so fucked up he actually believes this.  Now see here....we have been apart for 10 years!  Ten years!  When did I steal this money?  How did I steal this money?  Why is he saying this now?  Number one:  I don't steal.  Not then and not now.  I confronted him about this crap and demanded to know why he is telling these lies.  Demanded that he tell me what and when I stole from him.  I told him to look in the mirror at the alcoholic that dwindled his life and money away in a bar.  I demanded that he apologize to me and tell me how much money HE stole from ME.  He said $100.  I know it's more than that.  And when I started putting these pieces today I got to thinking way back years ago, he's been stealing from me then.  He even took a tax return check I had and held onto it for 6 months - took it right before I moved out - because he couldn't get a friend to deposit it for him.  This friend ended up telling me he had the check and she told him he better give it back to me.  Just so much crap this man has put me through.  Worse than money and cigs.  A lot worse than money and cigs.  So many things I have forgiven him for and moved on.  But this shit about him telling people that I have what I have because I stole from him makes me so fricking furious I don't know what to do with this anger.  Gawd the things I could go on and on and on about what this fuckup has done to me and I am beside myself with anger over "this".  He makes me sick.  I wanna slap him silly.  I wanna take that cheap bottle of vodka and smash his face with it.  But the real bottom line is that I am uspet with myself.  I am so fucking upset with myself and alcohol that I have allowed and dare I say adored a man who abused me in public and private. I let it happen and there is no way I would've allowed ANY of it to happen if I had not been drinking and/or drunk too.  He continues to call me to invite me over "just for a little dinner".  He thinks I am so fucking stupid and that everything he has done to me is okay.  Because it is okay.  Always has been so what's the big deal?  Just stupid Kate.  The bastard even called me today.  I don't have caller ID.  I answer the phone and I can tell immediately that it is him and he is drunk.  I answer the phone and he is talking to someone else.  Calling her dear.  Now I ask...when you call someone do you continue a conversation when the person you are calling answers the phone?  No?  Oh...well that seems to be perfect etiquette to him.  I just hung up.  I have been back in CA going on 4 years now and I have probably seen him 5 times.  Each time he has stolen from me and now tells people he has nothing and I "have it all" because I stole from him.Lowlife jerk.  He's a fucked up lowlife jerk.