07/10/17

  I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't properly connect with other people. I can't make meaningful relationships. I'm just outside of everything else. All these things they happen around me. Terrible things, and I'm just there, not feeling any of it. Well I do feel it, it's just I don't let myself feel my reality because it hurts too much. The numbness, the empty lonely feelings. It doesn't matter how close someone is to me, I still can't reach them. Even when someone looks at me they can't see me. I feel angry and I want to cause pain to those aound me. I feel sad and I want someone to comfort me. Instead I do nothing but further remove myself and cut off all of my emotional ties farther depriving myself of the help I need. I need somebody, anybody, yet at the same time I hate everyone and i just want to be alone. I've been suicidal before. I've self harmed. I may be in a more passive state now, but I know that I'm getting worse, and soon enough, I'll be so bad I won't be able to move, or to breath, I'll just lay there waiting for death to take me. I don't know..... maybe I feel that way now but am just pretending not to. I'm getting so good at pretending, I start believing the bullshit I'm feeding everyone else. No panic attacks yet...... Well I can fell the anxiety building, but I never let it out, I keep it all inside now. Sometimes people notice that something's wrong, I hate those people but love them all the same, I try to reach out, but I can't I just spew out half truths further alienating myself from the only one's who can save me from the monster within and i want out. I can't take it anymore. I just want to be me again. The weed helps, so do the booze, I know it's not right, yet still it's the path I choose, I don't even try to fight anymore cause I know that I'll loose. I just let things happen.

  I wish I could go deaf so that I wouldn't have to listen to the sounds of the battle that rages around me. I wish I didn't have to hear the abuse from my family, the ones who are supposed to love me are spewing out at me. "I can't stand her", "You're just useless", "Little bitch". I hear it, but it goes right through me, it hurts, more than anything, but I've learned not to feel it. To pretend I don't.

  My boyfriend. Another lost cause. I'm breaking up with him soon. He doesn't see me. I have to fight so hard to be noticed, just for the smallest bit of his attention, and yet he still pushes me away. He doesn't look twice at me, even when I'm being a total whore and degrading myself just so he'll look at me. I can't talk to him. I know he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I stopped going out of my way for him. I've been avoiding him. I haven't contacted him in a week and he hasn't tried to reach me, not once. I wonder what he'll say once i'm gone. I wonder how much he'll hate me for being selfish for once and doing something for myself. It doesn't matter. None of it does. I love someone else anyways, he see's me, yet I don't think he'll ever fully be there it the way that I need him to be. He cares. He's tried to be there for me, but I'm not sure if he knows how, nor am I sure if he sees me as anymore than a friend in need. He's a good person, I hope for his sake atleast that his self worth is high enough that he won't pursue me. If he follows after me, he will be shrouded in my darkness, he doesn't deserve that. A person like him deserves the light. That's why I think, perhaps I will start distancing myself from him and give up. I handle anymore pain.

  I'm spending this weekend at my supposed best friends place, though honestly, I wouldn't refer to her as that, I've known her since we were children and I still know nothing about her, and she don't give too shits about me, but whatever. Atleast I can escape my "family" atleast for a short while, plus her dad is making food and i like it when that happens :) 

 I'm such an overly sarcastic and extroverted piece of shit even though I have social anxiety and hate everybody. Oh well, anything to cope, right?

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Nash