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This is a place firstly and foremost for Support for all Women.. Whether it be every day life issues, family or emotional support, we care and we are here to listen and support, to share the good things in life as well, to smile with each other and to give gentle encouragement and pleasant thoughts along the way.. Please feel free to ask for support and post in the...

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DNA, yep it is a match

Breeze007
Breeze007
Here it goes...My husband and I have been married 37 years. Seven months ago he got a call, "I'm your daughter." She is 39 years old. I'm the wife so I feel a little different about this abrupt intrusion, but I have always supported my husband. I am alienated. My husband had a girl with his first wife. His second wife had a son that my husband never thought was his. Then this third child rounds up the other two and does a DNA. Not sure how she meet them. No privacy with computers. She sent the DNA sheet to my husband, everyone matched. Here is my problem, the first couple of months went by before I found out that they had been talking 3 to 4 times a week. Im sure my husband is curious, of course. My husband works nights. Their calls were and still are at 4:30 a.m.
We fought about this, I wanted him to start talking to her on the weekends so I could be a part of what was going on. She loves taking pictures of herself. Lots of light and lots of make up. She sends glamour shots to him. He is still calling her at 4:30 a.m. says he doesnt want me to dictate to him when to call her. I'm alienated, right? I talked to a therapist. All she said was, "don't you want him to have family." I've lost trust in my husband and it is making me crazy. For many years there had been porn mags. With the computer he had invited someone to his personal email. Saw it accidentially. Caught him sex texting. Trust is damaged. Now with this new person, she is his DNA, I know there is nothing incestial about their relationship, but because Im not included it feels wrong. We live on one coast she lives on the other, 3 hour time difference. Is it normal for a man to call his DNA, woman, stranger, every week?
ClayC
ClayC
The therapist should have been more understanding, like well you are his family too.. If it were me, I think that the shock of this would be bad enough without someone reacting like that.. I have absolutely no experience in what you are going through.. I got a dad and a step dad.. My real dad goes months without calling me and probably we wouldn't have a relationship if it weren't for my step Mum, but my step dad calls along with my mum a few times a week.I wouldn't be sending either of them glamour shots, even if I was into selfies (inappropriate, I feel ),...You as you said have been supportive.. I hope you get that support back from your husband with this issue....Wishing you all the very best.
Breeze007
Breeze007
Thank you. I needed to reach out for advise. My husband is a good man, I have always felt that even with his stupid weak moments. My parents, my family, and I are estranged, my fault, I suppose. My parents have been married 68 yrs. Remarkable, huh. My dad worked hard for his family. There was a period we never saw him, he was juggling 3 different jobs. But my father and I butt heads. So knowing who my family is but not getting the love and support one needs from parents, I am baffled by the attention My husband has given this new family member. My husband agrees, it was a shock for both of us. He says he was handling it so I wouldn't be hurt. Not logical. Withholding information is not the same as lying, right? Being left in the dark and finding out later is heart breaking. And thank you for your opinion on the glamour pics. My husband says she is a photographer and has done book covers. And that of course she is trying to impress him. I have another word for that, but I'm continuing to stay as calm as I can... Sincerely.
ClayC
ClayC
Bless you it is a difficult situation for you.. I am happy to have helped in some small way..as I say I haven't the experience personally with what you are having to deal with...But I am a good listener and fair person..Wow 68 years, that is just remarkable you are right.. it is shame they haven't been more supportive towards you.. Now I do have experience with that as it is a similar thing with my real father..Please feel free to post any-time here, everyone is very supportive and lovely.. Clay X
Breeze007
Breeze007
It's like the movie, Ground Hog Day, I wake up and it's the same over and over again. I can't seem to make my husband understand that the relationship he now has with his 39 yr.old DNA is painful because she is the other woman (logically his daughter, I do realize), but I do not know much about her. He has been talking to her for 7 months, ALONE, in the dark while he is at work, 4:30 a.m. listening to her voice. Two months into THEIR getting to know each other he told me he had affectiion for her, he was impressed by her. I don't know who she is but she has infiltrated and my husband being a kind man and feeling the guilt of never having claimed the son that was his and now a daughter he was never awhere of and he never took responsiblity for his first born daughter. His first marriage was 3 yrs. and when he left, he left. Many, many years ago. We were all young once, right? Making the only choices we thought we could make. The past has a way of coming around and biting you in the _ _ _. It is a heavy situation not only for me, for my husband also. In our 37 yrs. of marriage we would comment, "we can count on one hand how many arguments we've had," then "we can count on two hands how many arguments," we have been arguing for 7 months and its always about her. At this point I hate the way my husband has made me feel, "trying to protect me." Its heavy and multi-layered. I want to leave, I want to stay, I want to leave. Thank you Clay for responding...Take Care
Rachel59
Rachel59
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad they found each other, but it's not good that you are left out. You are her step-mom and she is now a part of the family.

If you could maybe write a letter to him just telling him how you feel, NOT insulting or being rude, but just your feelings. Maybe then he can finally understand that you are the first woman in his life. Hopefully you can all make this work out to where you can feel like you are included in the family. The way he's going about it, you are excluded and I think that would hurt and confuse most of us. ((Hugs))
pinkwaterlily
pinkwaterlily
Totally agree with Rachel59 I hope all does go well for you. Hugs
Breeze007
Breeze007
Writing a letter to my husband is a good idea, thank you Rachel. I have been extremely emotionally insulting, trying to get my point across. I don't like me very much, right now. He says I'm doing it to myself. He did not marry an osterage. I'm very awhere of the territory and it should not be confusing or painful and I keep asking myself, why isn't this alright? Wow, never thought of myself as a step-mom. I feel so distant and angry with the DNA, because of the way my husband has handled this, I don't see myself with her at all, I do not want anything to do with her. And I'm thanking my husband for that... Yes, it is good for her she found her bio-dad since she was searching. But she didn't come to us first! She gathered his other two kids, talked to his sister, talked to his mother... it was an overwhelming intrusion. She just visited with Grandma this past weekend, she still has not seen my husband. She sent a couple of pics from the visit, which were nice, family pics. Then Sunday she is home and sends a glamour shot to her bio-dad. Should I not think anything about that? (Inappropriate!) Things are always coming up that infuriates me. Im going on and on, and thanks for listening I''m trying to get it out. The Sun will come out tomorrow.