WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group

A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.

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Death & Dying
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Two Steps Back

shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17

This has been a complicated last two days for me.  I got a book order from someone on Amazon - and no longer have the book.  Then I learned that Amazon had changed things up for security reasons, so I had to figure all that out.  My husband sold Christian books and still has his acount (or I do), but I may not be able to access it either.  Last night I couldn't get the heater to work in my Buick, and my new Bosch wiper blades won't go all the way back down.  I should have gone to the church to pray, but time got away.  I ended up driving all over town looking for a replacement book of the one I obviously donated.  When I need a friend, my one and only joined at the hip friend is not answering her texts.  Anyway, I forced myself to cook dinner for one tonight.  The house is just way too quiet; I can't handle it.  I am feeling so much alone, which I am.  Still not sure why God has chosen to take out two of my husbands, both in their 60's.   I almost feel like I am being punished for things I did back in my wild days.  Lord knows, I tried to be a good wife, but I probably wasn't cut out to be a preacher's wife.  I must get some noise going or get in my car and drive.

scottito
scottito
Hang in there. Seems part of the grief train ride is diminished capacity to handle normal everyday annoyances that can overwhelm us. I call it circling my wagons. I just kept reducing the number of things I did and dealt within a smaller and smaller box. But with time, I could tackle more. Now at 2 1/2 years, I think I'm at about 70% of what I was able to do before, some days more, some days less. As for faith, this has been a pruning time for me. That part of my life has been simplified to the simplicity available. The penalty of all my transgressions was paid in full, and I refuse to accept any view contrary to a loving God that only wants the best for me. There are many questions I struggled with, the answers to which I've had to defer until I find myself at the other side of eternity. It is my belief that no matter what I've done or will do, my God loves me no matter what. I am stuck only with dealing with the consequences of my actions. As for the empty house syndrome, I unwittingly solved that problem when I saw a puppy in a shopping cart at a local feed store, last of the litter being sold by 2 farm girls. They said she was a "cow dog", a Healer/Australian Shepherd mix used to herd cattle. The father had told the daughter, you either get rid of these pups or I will shoot them. When I saw Blue, I just knew she was my dog, and having her has made such an incredible difference in my life over this past year. I'm fortunate that I am able to bring her to work with me everyday. Relationships have come and gone, but my Blue is always here with me, under my desk at work, or riding beside me in the car. She is my one constant, and has proven herself to be a true "Healer". Just remember, time, time and more time is how we heal. Get's better. Get's worse. Flatlines. Way worse. Slowly better. But eventually, we all get better. Never the same. But the pain does diminish. And so I end this with how I began....hang in there. Everything will be okay :) Scottie
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
I figured out how to get the car heater going, and also the wiper blades :), but the new windshield is leaking, and I need to call them next week. I don't see how they can deny it, since the carpet is saturated. So...tomorrow is Sunday, and I try to forget my problems till Monday rolls around. I have to remind myself that I am tackling 40 plus years of accumulation. I don't have to eat the whole elephant in one day, but I do like to see a little progress as I go along. Trying to get my son to help me sell some items online. The time has come for me to budget.
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